This is the kid who modified the Blaster worm. I think the first thing the FBI does when it catches these guys is dig through their house ’till they find the absolutely worst, most butt-ugly picture of them. Thus begins the humiliation campaign that will proceed his lucrative career with said FBI as soon as his probation ends. I hope they post his email address so I can forward him the 500 emails I found in my inbox the other day.

The FBI on August 29, 2003 arrested Jeffrey Lee Parson, 18, Minnesota teenager officials said admitted to making a copycat variant of the devastating Blaster Internet worm. Parson is pictured in this Hopkins High School 2003 yearbook photo. Photo by Reuters

Calling all fans of EDANDHEIDI.com: we need a new domain name. If you can help us do this then you’ll win a luxurious prize! I want an extra domain name that I can use to house other projects- media work like art, short movies and comics, and also somewhere that I can put some of my professional marketing work on display. I’m looking for something that:

• Conveys our quirky yet witty humor

• Is short and easy to remember
• Seems hip yet professional
• Is unique
• Will attract millions of dollars in sponsors

If your entry is picked, you will be eligible for a luxurious prize! Submit all ideas in the comments section just below.

Calling all fans of EDANDHEIDI.com: we need a luxurious prize! Submit your ideas below.

Still busy. BIG Strategic Planning meeting- I’m in charge. BUT, I have a treat for the viewing public- this is the coolest picture I’ve seen in at least a week. Click on it to enlarge. I call it, “Dog hauling major butt right at you.” I would not lie to be the photographer, but man, does it look cool.

No time to talk- too busy. In the meantime amuse yourself with this- Guinness World Records.

Milestone:
1. [n] stone post at side of a road to show distances
2. [n] a significant event in your life (or in a project)

The phrase “reaching a milestone” comes from the ancient Romans who used round stone columns to mark distance along their roads.

Here at EDANDHEIDI.com we’re in our eleventh week online. It may not serve as a traditional milestone, but I was pretty excited a moment ago when I looked at our original design, and noted how different the site looks now. Of course you know that this is all thanks to our readers- both of you who make all of this possible. Thank you.

Did you notice?

• Last week, one of our posts got a record amount of comments (7)!

• Both my father and my sister have posted comments!
• AND as a grand finale- EDANDHEIDI.com is making connections. Yesterday we had our first oversees post- A guy posted a comment from what looks like Germany. We’re so proud.
• NEW DIRECTIONS button at the top of the page! Having trouble? Just ask for directions!

Once again, thanks.

I can’t wait. You have no idea how badly I can’t wait. And how could you? It’s indescribable- a movie above all others is coming- one by which all others will be forever measured. At least all other Elvis/JKF team-up-monster-movie-comedy-horror-action flicks will. Believe me. Bubba Ho-Tep will hit theaters in September and you can bet your faded sequined jump-suit I’ll be there. It stars my all-time FAVORITE Bruce Campbell as Elvis- he’s apparently still alive and living in a rest home. He teams up with JFK (also alive- but he’s been turned black) as they fight off an ancient Egyptian mummy. Oh, please just TRY to think of something better that THAT, James Cameron! In tribute, I have been inspired to put together a partial list of other movies I can’t wait to see:

• Underworld- Werewolves vs vampires. Wicked-cool soundtrack.
• Once upon a time in Mexico- El Mariachi Tres
• Luther- Old-School religious reformer. He gives this list some character.
• Kill Bill Vol I & II- Tarantino movie number 4. Bloodiest scene in movie history. need I say more?
• Envy- Jack Black and Ben Stiller. I have goosebumps.
• Fletch Won (2004) Epic.
• School of Rock (2004) Jack Black teaching little kids about rock. I’m crying.
• The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) Admit it- You like Vin Deisel.
• Son of the Mask (2004) Jamie Kennedy takes on the Mask Mantle- ha.
• The Punisher (2004) WITHOUT Dolph Lundgren. This movie has much potential.
• King Kong (2004) DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON- HELLO! Prepare to lose the use of at least one of your senses as a result of how incredibly kick-butt this could be.

It’s gone far enough. What has, you ask? A sick and disturbing trend in American Culture. An Abomination- a desecration of what should be a sacred event. People have taken something magical, something beautiful and are in ever-increasing numbers smearing it with filth. They make it a dirty thing- a thing to be despised.

What is this of which I speak? I’m talking about people who talk during movies. Yes, I have gone there. What the heck are they thinking? I went to a horror flick last weekend and the audience would not shut up for a second! It’s not just horror flicks though- it’s everything. They cheer, boo, yell out comments to the screen or just about anything.

Do you remember the roar of clapping when Yoda got all sick-wicked on the bad guy in Star Wars Episode I? Who the heck are they clapping for? IT IS A MOVIE- MOOOOOVIIEE. Not a play.

At the movie last weekend, the guy next to me kept reading everything he saw on the screen. I’m sure he meant well, trying to help the rest of us illiterates enjoy the movie too. He also supplemented the film with play-by-play commentating, spewing out jewels like “Daaaang, he got hiz heead cut rite off!” and “Dat ain’t scary, dat ain’t scary…” and who could forget “She go in dere an’ she gon’ get keewed.”

To those who participate in this debasement of American Cinema, I beg you- buy a DVD player and stay home. Yes, I know you think you are adding to the film’s entertainment value, and No, I dont know why the director failed to hire you on as a narrator, but the fact remains that he didn’t. Why do you feel that you have to do this? Do you need attention or a sense of belonging or something? The theater is not the place for your cry for help.

I pay $8.50 because I want to see and hear the movie- sans commentary. When you enter the theater, be aware that it is a place of refuge for some- an escape from reality, from crying babies, ringing cel phones, and perhaps from you. Accept it. Learn to enjoy it for what it is. And for the sake of all that’s good and holy let me too.

I’ve been doing alot of “Bizzaro News” posts lately. Perhaps that’s because people out there are doing things like making fake severed heads out of bacon, or attempting to shower in car washes. As long as Russian bears make their way into secret nuclear sites or there are still women who take 4 FINALS IN ONE DAY WHILE IN LABOR, I’ll be here posting it (by the way, she has to be the most hard-core person since the german subway lady). Whlie sad, it is amazing that the prized fish that was about to make a boy famous made a last-ditched attempt at revenge and lodged itself in his throat- I imagine John Woo filming it. My favorite part about the doctor who sold drugged mental patients as wives- that some of the husbands demanded refunds. “What, you mean that I can’t trust my illegal wife broker? What’s this world comming to?”

• Burglar Finds Bacon Head, Calls Police

• Woman Staves Off Labor to Finish Tests
• Teen Dies After Prized Fish Stuck in Throat
• Naked Man Nabbed for Seeking Shower in Car Wash
• Bear and cub breach security at Russian nuclear site
• Doctor Arrested for Selling Patients as Wives

I just love it when a mime gets what’s comming to him.

People who hope that next year will be better: The first story shows why surprise parties shouldn’t exist- I’m no fan of these. The second story sends the point home- SCREEN your party guests. El numero tres points out just how much damage reality TV has wrecked on society, while the fourth is just a funny contradiction- it seems to belong in that silly “isn’t it ironic” song. BUT to leave you on an up-note I’ve included a bonus track about a magic elf.

• Man Shoots Six at Surprise Party

• Teen Trashes Home with Pals, Feigns Robbery
• Mother Takes Applications from Daughter’s Suitors
• Toyota tells employees not to drive their cars to work
  
  and the feel-good hit of the summer…

• Minneapolis Elf Has All the Right Answers

Have you registered with the government’s “Do Not Call” registry? (Click here to do so) I’m doing it. Apparently, if you’re on the list, telemarketers can’t call you after October 1st (my birthday). Personally, I’m torn tho- I love telemarketers. As soon as I realized how hard it was to get them to take no for an answer, or even let me get off the phone, I developed this little game. I make all sorts of embarrassing noises until THEY hang up on ME. It’s a blast. I’ve actually found myself waiting for them to call. Have any cool ways you like to torture telemarketers? Post them in the comments.

Just click on this link for today’s comic.

Paid the piper today- to the tune of about 225 bucks.

First the story… We got here last year and eventually I go to register the Jeep. Now, the vehicle is under someone else’s name- and I’m making the payments. (My credit was far too screwed up after all college to get a car loan). SO, when I go to register, the DMV tells me I can’t. I’ve got to be on the title. Poo. Car loan people then tell me I can’t get on the title. Panic. Now, I call DMV again, they suggest I renew back in New Mexico.

LENGTHY process ensues. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when one of Reno’s finest pulls me over. He listens to about 1.5 words of that previous story before slapping me a fat ticket. Apparently you CAN re-register in another state with a vehicle you don’t own. Silly me. Silly DMV. TODAY, a judge decided that since the DMV gave me faulty info he would do me a favor and cut the fine in half. Thanks, Judge. Maybe the DMV will pay the other half- think so?

Wow! I really got chewed out by our landlord tonight. I mean, it’s not often when someone just yells at you and flat out chews you out to your face! I asked him a simple question…”what is our lawn maintenence guys name and number so I can ask him about our service” and he just went off!…saying I wanted to interview him and didn’t trust him and that he’s given us a heck of a good deal already and that if we want we can get our butts out right now and put in our 30 days… Wow! From just one little question. You know, after all that…it makes me wonder now, just who is this lawn maintenence guy, and what is he REALLY doing to our lawn? Hmm……….sounds kinda fishy to me….:)

LEFT-HANDERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! Click on this article about left handed day. That’s right- “DOWN WITH RIGHTY” What’s up now fool? I bet I’m tickin’ off a whole bunch of good right folks with this post, but you need to know the plight of the left-handed man. We have to use YOUR spiral notebooks, YOUR corkscrews, YOUR CARROT PEELERS! Dangit. It gets me all worked up just thinking about what I’ve been through livin’ in a right-man’s world.

August 13th may mark international left-handed day, but I tell you- my lefty brothers and sisters- I live it every day. Every time I walk into a schoolroom and see all the desks for right people- where’s the lefty desk? In the corner, all broken down and graffiti covered- THATS what I gotta go through. And don’t even get me started about those STUPID gel pens- rightie invented that goofy thing, I’m glad they don’t work for me.

It hasn’t always been like this. we used to be on TOP! Ever heard of a little somebody named Napoleon Bonaparte? How ’bout Benjamin Franklin, Alexander the Great, Charlemagne or Julius Caesar? All lefties. Take that righty! Also, Ron Reagan, George Bush Sr., Harry Truman and James Garfield. And it just goes on and on… watch yourself righty.

Here’s some links for all my left-handed brothers and sisters in the fight:

• The Left Hand Store

• More Left-Handed Products
• The Left-Handed Experience
• Famous Left-Handers
• Left-Handed Writing Tips

Well, it’s been over a week and no one has returned my camera. It’s time I came to the realization that it’s gone. The only consolation I can have now is that somehow, it found it’s way into a good home where it’s taken care of and given lots of attention- not staring out a lonely pawnshop window, smeared with grease stains and cigarette ashes and so many broken dreams. In order to finish the grieving process, I have fashioned this tribute page- just CLICK ON THE CAMERA PIC- I hope it helps you cope like it has me.