It’s snowing on Halloween. Like crazy snowing. That stinks cause now we’ll have a sorry trick-or-treater turnout. What the heck is up with snowing on Halloween?

Reality TV is absolutely ridiculous. I haven’t been able to stand it since its inception- “The Real World.” I just couldn’t get over the title. Let’s put a bunch of selfish attractive young people with negligible intelligence and tiny world-views together in a huge day-glo apartment where all furniture, rent and food is paid for and tape them as they go out clubbin’. I’ll choose bizzaro-world, thank you.

This story tells you just how low it’s currently sunk. “Hey guys? Wanna compete for the affections of an oddly low-voiced gal with a heck of a throwing arm and a suspiciously large adam’s apple?” “HA! Joke’s on you- she’s a HE!!!” Entertainment. My prediction is that we’re about one season away from the apocalypse.

I’ve prepared a list of new reality show ideas. Please add your ideas to the list via the comments section and we’ll do a poll next month to determine the favorite. The winner will receive a DVD and I will personally compose a letter to Endemol to pitch the idea for your show. Here goes…

• Escape From a Deadly Prison Riot: 10 contestants and 3,000 angry felons. Hijinks ensue.

• Respect Your Elders: Spend a season watching two stark white Mormon missionaries attempt to convert a housing project in Compton.
• Cat Got My Tongue: A heartwarming cast of doctors, nurses and specialists assist Roy Horn recover from a devastating tiger attack. See the softer side of Siegfried Fischbacher.
• The Real Baghdad: Contestants try to hold up against the persuasion tactics of Saddaam’s ex-secret police- all for fame and fortune.
• The Homeless Eye: Five former Enron managers pick a different famous executive each week and teach him hard skills like dumpster diving and squatting.
• I’m With Kim Chong: A cameraman and a quirky host hang out with sadistic ruthless dictator of North Korea- lots of laughs.

I can’t believe I didn’t think of this.

According to leading authorities, everything is bad for you. Don’t do stuff anymore, cause you really don’t know what will cause migraines, bad breath, anti-nationalism, or randomly exploding tonsils. I’ll see you later- I’ve got to go smoke an asbestos tile while cleaning my assault rifle.

• Starbucks coffee has a lot of caffeine. Oh poo- and all this time I’ve been drinking coffee for it’s homeopathic curing effects.

• Harry Potter Makes People Sick. It’s not just a figure of speech anymore.
• Watching Simpsons is Dangerous… for people who are afraid of satirical animation.

Hey! A pal o’ mine just sent me a movie he did called “Kill Phill.” So I thought this was a good time to try my hand at streaming video. Great Job, Brian- keep ‘em coming. See Kill Phill by clicking here.

By the way, Kill Bill was the best thing I’ve seen this year. IN FACT, it got me so pumped I finally told some people to shut up. It was awesome- I leaned in between two people who were yapping thru the movie, put my hand on one’s seat and calmly said, “hey fellas- you mind waiting ’til after the movie?” Then I gave the crazy eye to one who seemed like he’d act up. They sat right back. You have no idea what kind of a release that was. Rise up America, and take back your theatres!

Spooky week at EDANDHEIDI continues with something really exciting. You get a little perspective on my upbringing. It seems that the World Championship Pumpkin Chunkin contest is getting national attention again. What is it, you ask? Only the biggest celebration of white trash the country has to offer. It’s amazing. It’s mystifying. It smells like stale Budweiser. Pumpkin Chunkin is one of the few “claims to fame” that my hometown can boast of.

The day after Halloween thousands of drunk white people converge on a small airfield in rural Delaware to show off their pumpkin hurling prowess. The contraptions they use range from huge mechanical armatures designed by MIT, to powerful cannons that can spew the orange orbs a mile, to a bunch of inebriated hicks tossing pumpkins out of a school bus (my personal fav). In case you haven’t figured out by now I come from a slightly rural area. It was an acceptable excuse to be late for school because your cows go out.

Back around ‘93 I worked for a booth there selling cider and stuff. It was a touching tribute to toothless America- it could have passed for “Mulletfest.” It looked like some sort of RV autoshow- with literally miles of mobile homes parked for some sort of Hee Haw Woodstock. As I walked the grounds, I encountered families who had made this airstrip their home for the weekend. 12 thousand strong, they had come from around the whole nation; this was their Mecca, and they were honkytonk pilgrims. Kids tossed empty Coors party balls like beach balls, while their parents relived their glory days touring with the Oakridge Boys. I actually received more beer than cash as payment for the cider.

Anyway, it was an incredible experience. And I wouldn’t trade my heritage for anything. Hooray for you Lewes, Delaware, for you have created a national tradition. And Hooray for you Milwaukee’s Best, for you probably inspired it.

• Official Pumpkin Chunkin Website. This will give you enormous insight on my past.

• Click here if you want more perspective on the contest.

Since I didn’t post yesterday, here’s a bit of SPOOKY NEWS. THis is “spooky week” and all. Seems there was a little car crash in Germany- a body got flown across the road, but no one was killed. Cause it was dead already. Heh. It looks like a great potential movie scene.

Video Game: Evil Dead- Fist Full of Boomstick
Genres: Action, Comedy, Bruce Campbell Fix,
Rating: 4.3 Snappy quips out of 5

Since Friday is Halloween, this is “spooky week” at EDANDHEIDI.com. To kick it off I have a review for the most anticipated game for PS2- at least for me. Evil Dead fans will note that this is the second ED game, the first being Evil Dead: Hail to the King for PS1. I’m not counting the C64 computer game, or the Doom and Warcraft add-ons. The problems sited with the first game (poor control, slow progression) have been taken care of, and whats left is one killer game.

Fans of the ED franchise should be satisfied with this game. It has decent gameplay, great graphics, a cool storyline and of course- the reason you buy it- Bruce Campbell. He does the voice of Ash- the chainsaw-for-a-hand main character who has been to “hell and back and then back and then back again.”

The game runs on the same engine as HALO, so it works like any other resident Evil type slaeh’em-up game. Only thing is- you’re Ash. How cool is that? You’ve even got a button for one-liners. You get to run around, talking like Ash and hack up deadites like a giant Bruce Campbell Cuisinart- you can do’em one limb at a time or just cut’em right in half. It doesn’t get much better. Since they won’t be coming out with any new ED movies, this is a great alternative. Plus it’s only about twenty bucks. I highly reccomend it.

• Official Site for the game

• Deadites Online. Get the latest info on the franchise.
• OMG someone made Evil Dead the Musical

This just in: Scientists have found something slightly easier to watch than Old Navy commercials. I imagine you could use these to wipe your memory of their effects.

Check it out here.

By any means possible. I’m serious as Ebola, here, folks. There’s a crisis that cannot be avoided- one that is threatening to destroy the very fabric of this great nation. What, you ask, poses this great threat?

Those stupid Old Navy Commercials. AARRRHRGGGG- DANGIT it makes me crazy just thinking about those things. They’re a blight on popular culture- a weeping sore infecting primetime television. And no one’s safe, either. I can avoid Friends, Hollywood Squares and JAG, but these things come out of nowhere like a pimp slap of tacky.

That new Fran Dresher one is disgusting. When I have kids they’re watching PBS or something before I ever let them get exposed to crap like this. The Morgan Fairchild Hew Haw ones actually caused vomiting and seizures for kids in Kentucky from what I hear.

I just wonder what kind of sad shape does your career have to be in before you sell your soul and dignity to these guys? Especially for the “men” on these things- It’s gotta be like having the tape of your “urinary incontinence mishap” win on America’s Funniest Home Videos. These commercials are the only thing that makes the Queer Eye guys go, “OMG That’s SO gay.”

Any way, I’m no fan of these things and I found a couple people who agree here and here. If you also feel strongly about ensuring the survival of our species, you can go here and beg them to be pulled from the air.

So at 27 I’ve started to think about getting healthy. Not the kind the vegan/granola weirdness healthy, but longevity healthy. Heidi works at this retirement home and comes home with all these stories about old people and their oldness, and I’ve started wondering, “just how long can is this body gonna make it?” An old Bloom County strip had Binkley’s Dad wondering how his heart kept pumping when his car couldn’t go two months without busting something.

I’ve decided to quit crack.

So admittedly I’m starting small, but it’s not proving easy. The other day I thought, “If I stop some of my bad habits now, maybe I’ll be ahead of the game come 30- and I’ll be able to cheat death a little. Now, I’m a big cracker- wait, that’s true on so many levels. But the point is, I like to crack stuff: my knuckles, my neck, my back- I even get my shoulders, toes and knees once in a while. And I know it’s not good for you- so I’m trying to quit-but man, it’s tough.

I thought smoking was supposed to be the toughest habit to break- whatever. cracking stuff has got to be the worst. There’s Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, even Over-Eater’s Anonymous- but just try to find Crackers Anonymous. You can’t- because no one’s got a death wish big enuf to try that. It’s stinkin impossible to quit. I’ve cracked my knuckles three times already just writing this.

The best I’ve managed has been almost a week before I fell head first off the wagon. I can’t decide which is harder to quit- my neck or my knuckles. It just feels so darn goooooood to do a nice neck crack. And you know what I’m talking about- when you’re all tense, nothing feels as good as the cik cik cik cik craaack as you twist your head left to right and back again. And then there’s the one where you impress everyone cause it sounded like you broke a frozen cat in half. But you don’t dare look around the room to address your fans- you just act like it’s business as usual. Dangit- I’m not supposed to glamorize the habit- I’m trying to kick it.

Oh well. I’m trying and I guess that’s all you can ask. I’ll keep you guys updated while I continue to get my healthy on. Your job is just to keep pouring in all the support and stories of how you’ve overcome this terrible burden yourselves.

Apparently no one likes the Dell Interns- almost everyone wants to see them dead in Matrix:Revolutions. At least according to our highly scientific poll on the right. Since you all feel so strongly, I’ve found a link to a petition you can sign to express your feelings. Go ahead- get it all out.

That title should draw a crowd. These are some of the funniest stinkin things I’ve seen all week.

• MAME JUMP A touching tribute both to classic Nintendo Games and Van Halen.

• Cat Town Someone very funny got ahold of the pics off one of those cat clothing sites. Hijinks ensued.
• If Simpsons Characters Mated Pretty much self-explanitory. If you don’t check this out you’ll only have yourself to blame.
• The Brick Testament Whoa. The Bible in lego format. I know it’s a bit on the blasphemous side, but hey- do you really think Moses wouldn’t laugh?
• Toxic Teddies These look like great stocking stuffers.

The owners of this site take no responsibility for the content of the following sites, no matter how funny. If you don’t think a link is prolly a good idea, don’t go there.

Welcome to a brand new category at EDANDHEIDI.com: From the Mailbag. From time to time, we get cool stuff from people we want to post, so here’s the first batch.

John Tiesi sent me the comic on the left durring the height of the “do not call registry” drama. Good stuff.

Brian Kuttle sent me this cool link. It’s definately worth a full post when I get a chance. It’s really hard not to find dancing trousers entertaining.

Here’s to our readers- your humorous web-finds and newspaper clippings always have a home at EDANDHEIDI.com.

What news could be more important than the remake of Dawn of the Dead? (Romero fans *Gil* just salivate over that one for a while.) Well, just ask the guy who hopped over Niagra Falls and lived. He joins a rather distinguised list, eh? My favorite part is the quote from an onlooker who actually watched him get ready and take the plunge, “It was really freaky, actually. He was smiling.”

Well, not to be outdone, here’s a few more oddities:

• Extreme Sports Nut Saved by a Crane When Parachute Fails

• Man Shot in Neck By His Dog
• Bored to Tears, Woman Hurls TV Out Window Funny, I feel like that every time I watch Lifetime too.
• Odd Pic I found of Soldiers and Dogs on Strings

This is probably one of our most eclectic (pardon the buzzword) bizzaro news posts. We have a discussion board on snail feces, the FIRST DAY you can get a VIRTUAL BOBBLEHEAD, and the SCARIEST INVENTION EVER according to popular science. Also in the category “scariest”, my bud Matt (see: the mettens) sent me everything you’d ever not want to know about daylight savings time. Lastly, we leave you with one of the coolest things I’ve heard lately- shrinks prescribing video games to their loonies. I think I just might have to get my crazy on.

• Snail Poo (don’t ask)

• Virtual Bobblehead for your desktop
• SCARIEST TOY EVER the possibilities are endless
• Become a DST buff
• Active Ingredient: QUAKE

It’s something I’ve always struggled with in education- why don’t they teach more basic social skills? It may sound unnessicary, but think about how many people just don’t connect with those simple concepts like “don’t spit your food all over the place when you speak” or “people don’t like being around you if you are a total butt to them”? It’s amazing. I come across so many people who just don’t seem to pick up on what the whole world sees in them.

I was talking to a freind of mine the other day who couldn’t understand why colleges require students to take a liberal arts core of classes. “I know what classes I need- I don’t need to take stupid stuff like psychology- that’s a joke.” Now, there were courses I wish I didn’t have to take, but some of my psych classes and sociology classes were incredibly helpful. And the vast majority of people desperately need them. I’m talking about Interpersonal Communication, Social Psychology, and Cultural Communicaion- and my favorite, Abnormal Behavior. I soooo wish half the people I’ve ever worked around took Organizational Behavior- it was basically psychology of the workplace.

The point of all this is that we’ve all got a lot to learn about interaction with others. I dig stuff like the personality test because it tells you a little something about yourself and your neighbor. Usually the person who feels they have all that stuff down would learn a lot from an informal poll of the people closest them. Here’s a couple more things I found on the personality types:

• Explanation of the 16 Types

• Learning Styles of the 16 Types
• This Movie Thing about the 16 Types

I didn’t check the movie thing out but it looks kinda cool. If anyone downloads it lemme know how it is. Oh, by the way- my regular biting sarcasm should be back on monday.

Just who the heck are you? Here’s a link to a variation of the Myers-Briggs standard personality test.

• Use this one first. Take the test and get your results.

• Then go here. You can scroll down this site to learn more about your personality type and the others. You can find out different famous people in history whose personality matched yours.

Cool stuff. I come up as an ENTJ or an ENTP (very few of us buggers around). I suppose thats why I work in Marketing and Business Strategy… and perhaps why I bury the bodies of my victims under the porch. Anyway, after you take it come back and post your results- I wanna find out just what kind of people read this site.

So my post-for-the-year is about my hair. I finally got what i consider the perfect haircut (at Express Cuts, of course), and I went back last week…just to get a TRIM…but what happens? The girl who did it before wasn’t there, so I took a chance. The lady totally chops my hair all funky. So this whole week I’m walking around all dorky thinking that after a couple days of styling I could get it to work. nope. So I went back a couple days ago and found my favorite haircutter to save the day. Ahhh…I can walk around not feeling like such a huge dork again. Well, at least the hair part….:)

Need a laugh? Check out this (www.japander.com) site of American celebs doing commercials in Japan. I recommend checking out Ahnold, Brad Pitt and definitely the Simpsons.