See, this story deserves so much more than just “Gas can, cigarette cause car explosion.” How can such a tiny blurb accompanied by a collection of pictures accurately depict such a riviting tale of heroicism and self sacrifice? It can’t. So our investigative reporting team here at EDANDHEIDI.com went down to the scene to interview this brave woman.

ED: For those just tuning in, this is Ed Adkins reporting for EDANDHEIDI.com on an incredible story unfolding in our own Reno, Nevada. I’m here with local heroine, Carol Wall, who I’m told earlier today was set to become the latest Nevadan to recieve the prestigous, “Darwin Award”. Now, I’ve got to speak up, since Mrs. Wall is now 90 percent deaf due to almost killing herself and three other people while attempting to light a cigarette today- a cigarette named “fame”.

Carol: (moderately charred) My car is on fire.

Ed: Now it says here that you are not actually retarded. Isn’t that true Mrs. Wall?

Carol: WHAT? Oh yes- I’m technically not retarded. At least not enough to recieve state funding.

Ed: Now, that is amazing. So you are telling me that earlier today, you put an uncovered gas can in the back of your tiny hatchback and then tried to light a cigarette- without the aid of mental retardation? Amazing.

Carol: Well, I always was a dreamer.

Ed: And to boot- you kept the windows up. I’m supprized you even had the mental ability to ignite your little gas-bomb. Any normal person would have succomb to asphyxiation. What kept you going?

Carol: It wasn’t easy, Mr. reporter man. A couple times I came real close to just takin a nap-

Ed: While driving?

Carol: You can’t take little things like that into account when you’re going for the gold, friend. My eyes were on the prize- that shiny Darwin thingy just a’ gleamin’ on my mantle.

Ed: Or the mantle of your next of kin, naturally. Woman you are an inspiration. Here’s to your next attempt at greatness. On location in Reno, this has been Ed Adkins with an exclusive segment of EDANDHEIDI. Back to the newsroom.

Special shout-out to Jerz & Mrs. Jerz for the article.

I’ve been thinking about getting a tivo system lately, but I hate the idea of the monthly fee and all the restrictions they put on it. So i’ve been looking into building a system (see here). Anybody know anything about this stuff?

For all you nerds out there who are still trying to hold on to some small bit of cool, rejoice in the victory of one of our brothers- behold: the Humidor PC.

Dramatic Rescue Attempt by Russian Soldiers. We’ll keep you posted as events unfold.

Queer Eye for the Brawny Guy. First they made the Brawny paper towel guy look like a gay version of one of the bad guys on the Macgyver lumberjack episode. Now they want to do the same to actual men. I’ll be hiding under my jeep if you need me.

Choose your poison:

• Captain Ribman

• Get Fuzzy
• Dilbert
• Strange Brew

Had a great time this weekend. Visited Heidi’s Dad and his wife for her birthday. Turns out her daughter is in an ACDC (Bon Scott era) coverband called AC/DSHE (Check out their site). They rocked- very polished performance- if you EVER get the chance, check ‘em out. Pretty much the first time for me hanging out with Heidi’s Dad and his wife- they were a ton of fun- I can tell Heidi’s Dad and I are going to get into much trouble in the future (he’s got the same sense of humor I do). We loved San Francisco, can’t wait to go back.

Also got to hang out with my best friend and evil twin, Jason and his wife Cherie. Spent the weekend at their place- Hijinx ensued. Jason took me to check out the Googleplex- it’s like a giant Chucky Cheese’s filled with nerds. We forgot our camera or else there would be a ton of pics of me looking for stuff all through google. (doing “searches”, get it? eh? eh?)

Here’s a few links to waste quality time with:

• Gender Genie: Type some stuff and find out if you are a HE or SHE. Not a stupid intenet quiz.

• Marry Your Pet: Ohmygoodsweetlord this scares the living daylights out of me.
• Historic Tale Construction Kit: Pretty Self-explanitory.

Have a great weekend. EDANDHEIDI.com is heading out to San Francisco to hang out with Heidi’s Dad and his family. We’re also hanging with WHIPPETGOOD.

(*Today’s title was stolen directly from my good friend, Jason.)

Don’t miss out on this.

Man. Money can’t buy hapiness, but it sure can put a bid on it. Be the first on your block to own the Beastie Boys’ Old Label.

Although many are not privy to it, I have many close, personal relationships with many Hollywood stars. Just so that all of you who don’t hob-nob with major celebrities can catch a glimpse of how blindingly cool my life is, I’ve decided to include a snippet from a recent interview I did with one Mr. John Cusack…

ED: Thanks for stopping by, friend.

John: Yeah, sure man. No problem- my car wil be done soon, right?

ED: That brings me to an important question, Lane.

John: John

ED: It’s Ed, Lane. You forget your fans, so quickly? Just like you forget how to fix your own car, Lane?

John: I think you have me confused with someone else. My name is John Cusack.

ED: Oh I remember names just fine, LANE, just like I remember seeing you fix your Camaro in Better off Dead!

John: Ohhhhhh. OK, you mean the part I played in the movie. Thanks, it’s always nice to meet a fan. I’ve really got to be go- (trying to side step me for the door)

ED: (blocking the way) What’s the hurry, Lane- Or should I say Lloyd? Oh.. What’s wrong, tough guy- What- you gonna try a little of your kick-boxing on me? Huh? (akwardly makes dodging moves)

John: What?

ED: Or are you gonna just hold up a boom box ’til I just forget I’m even mad and fall back in love with you?

John: It was just a movie, man. Now get outta my way.

ED: Hey man, you can’t just brush me aside. I remember when you were just some wierd infra-red goggle wearing geek, man! Remember? Huh? Or back when you drew all those stupid comics? And who kept their mouth shut when you found all that money? Huh? That’s right, Gib, you’d never have made it cross-country without me.

John: I just want to get my car. It only needed an oil change.

ED: You just can’t keep track of things, can you? Lose your car, lose your girlfriend on some Tropical Island, what next, Dan?

John: Look, what do you want? Money? An autograph? Just let me out of this room!

ED: Hey, what ever you want, Ivan Alexeev!!!

John: OMG! I had no idea anyone saw that one! Man, I loved making that… wait… Tapeheads!

ED: Dude! I just watched it on DVD the other day! It was like 5 bucks at Kmart!

John: Wow! I didn’t even know it was on DVD. Wow. That was the first time I worked with that nut Tim Robbins- we were nuts. Wasn’t it shot so cool? And that video for the chicken place? OMG that cracks me up still! Jeez. Man. And what was up with my hair?

ED: And the mustache? That thing was straight outta whack.

John: Man, thanks for letting me know that movie’s still out there. We ticked off the reporters and it ended up not getting any press. Otherwise it would’ve been a hit. Man, I know it.

Ed: Just like One Crazy Summer?

John: Touche.

Ed: They can’t all be gems. Here’s your keys. Keep it real, G.

John: Peace out, Mah Brutha. (we exchange the manly pat-hug and he’s gone)

For anyone who hasn’t checked these guys out in a while. Gotta love the HTF.

I think I just CMP. This is either going to be really good or really bad.

At the risk of beginning a “where are they now” segment, here goes: Have you ever wondered what hapened to the Camaro from Better Off Dead? Rest that weary head- it has been found (here). You may now use all that energy worrying about whatever happened to KITT.

Yesssss mah Bruuuthas and Sistahs! Step right up and prepare to have your humor Reborn! I have seen the most wonderful of comics- and it is goooood.

What has renewed my faith in the funny pages, you ask? I will answer you with a simple, yet clear “get fuzzy.”

Ever wonder what happened to that “Captain Lard’s Crunchy Burgers” place down the streeet from your house? Wonder no more.

Today is a good day. Last night, while shopping with Heidi, I picked up this little gem:

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Price: Used:

Been listening all day. Turn on your heartlights, people. Turn ‘em on.

Hi-Tech update! Through the Miracle of Modern Technology, scientists have found a way to replicate one of our favorite childhood toys. Check it.

A while back a buddy of mine, Rob, sent me a cd complilation of his current favorites. Rob is that guy who always knows the best music before you do. All these CDs are AWESOME. Although I promised to review them all, I recently decided that I will no longer do serious reviews of any media. All future reviews by ED will be presented in full Joke-MONKEY flavor. That stated, I asked Rob to review all the CDs himself, and he obliged. So, now it is my utmost honor to present you:

Sincerely,
Rob the Music Swami

At the retreat this week I made a grave mistake. We had to do those “explain yourself in one minute” deals (57 seconds, thank you) and I was mentioning my penchant for humor. Figured I’d just get that out of the way first- “Hey, I think I’m funny.” I mentioned that I had done a bit of stand-up. What a mistake. I’ve mentioned it before and no one has ever cared; it was a dream realized, but it’s not my life’s work.

The whole time everyone was trying their best to get me to perform on command. Forget that. I’m not being anyone’s little joke-monkey. I like to make jokes; in fact I have considerable trouble holding it in, therefore they pop out all day. But when someone is like “Dance, joke-monkey, dance!” I can’t take it. Not to mention, once pigeon-holed into that label it’s near-impossible for anyone to see you as anything BUT the joke-monkey.

Humor is a good friend and probably the only thing that got me through highschool alive. It’s what I use to frame my reality, and the vehicle through which I connect with people, but I can’t stand just being the funny guy. Of course, I say this now, but go somewhere with me and in ten minutes you’ll wonder where I am. I’m probably up on a table with 20 people around me, jumping around to the tune of “Dance, joke-monkey, dance!”