HA. Well, it seems our friend Dr. Atkins was a fatty in poor health. HA! That’s got to be the best story of 2004. Atkins dieteers are worse than some new religious converts. I half expect to see a couple of them at my door Saturday morning, asking:

“Friend, are you truely happy with your carbs? Have you thought about what you’ll weigh when you die? I was a miserable wreck before Dr. Atkins showed me way out of danishes and into the light.”

Or even better, on the plane…

“Everyone on the Atkins diet raise your hand. Everyone else, you’re crazy.”

They act like its ushering in the second coming. Most of you aren’t even doing it right- you’re just starving their body of the stuff it needs: and why? Because it’s a heck of a lot easier than say, EATING A BALANCED DIET AND, OH I DON’T KNOW, GOING FOR A JOG OR TWO?!?!?? So not only do you put unnecessary strain on your organs with massive loads of protein and cholesterol, you shock it and take away a major energy source in order to lose a few quick pounds. Ugh. Then it’s just a matter of time before you give in to the massive cravings you’ve kick started and you go on a bender eating whole loaves at a time.

Actually, all that isn’t even bad. It’s the fact that you try to tell everyone its the cure to all their problems. Junkies lose weight too. Not only that but they get to eat bread too. Maybe the next one after the South Beach should be the Back-Alley Meth diet. Go promote that one.

I understand we eat too many carbs, so don’t try to educate me on that one. BUT I also don’t want to hear that I should cut out the one constant PART OF EVERY CIVILIZATION’S MEALS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF RECORDED HISTORY because a portly man in poor health wrote a book on it. I’ve stopped trying to cram what makes me happy down people’s throats, if it really works people will go for it. Besides, you don’t need more people to subscribe just to make it seem more valid.

Fads like low-carb diets and Orkut services are teaming up to make the new millennium unbearable already. Next we’re gonna hear that the creators of Friendster are lonely hermits.

Dear Lord it’s a miracle. I used to be a huge Peeps (or as I like to call them, ‘kiddie crack’) fan. Then Heidi enrolled me into the fanclub and bought me like a half a ton each holiday. That’s another post tho.

The big news now is you can roll your own.

OMG. The instructions for every transformer ever made (link found at boing boing). My first transformer? Jazz.

Man, this is sooooo taking me back.

…are going off somewhere because they finally said what we all knew was inevitable: They’re making a Simpsons movie.

Jerz just settled something for me. I’ve been trying to put something to words for a while, but it’s sat on the backburner ’til it had some substance. Simply put, jerks tend to react to vehicles the same as they do alchohol. Both, when in the hands of a jerk become a personality amplifier. Jerz summed up the reason for me when discussing the use of the middle finger:

“it tends to get used only when there is an easy, impersonal barrier between the two parties.”

That’s it. Both automobiles and alchohol act as buffers between the user and their enviornment. In both cases jerks feel indestructible. This realizaiton not only explains people who cut you off, drive slow in the left lane, or steal your parking space, but also idiots who try to start fights at shows or clubs.

So, with this connection made, I ask SHOULD STUPID DRIVERS GET DUIs? YES. Oh, for the love of all thats good and holy, yes. It’s the ultimate solution.

I JUST GOT TEXT-MESSAGE SPAM ON MY PHONE!!! Arrrrgggghhhhhh! What the heck. Man! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr. OK. Back to work.

Well, Saturday was the big day. We went to get a kitten. The trek began at the Humane Society where we saw a few little ones. Pretty cute. They were all mixed up brown and black and white and one had a really unique look. I’m pretty particular, not being a cat person and all. Plus I lived at this appartment complex once where like 80 cats lived in the dumpster, all inbreeding and re-creating several scenes from Deliverance daily. It was nasty. So, I wanted to make sure we didn’t get stuck with a freak. We continued shopping.

As we drove we began to get serious about names. Heres the tally so far:

• Cuddles McSugglepuss

• Cow
• Some Rapper (i.e. EZ, Dre or Snoop)
• Corky

You can tell we were getting real excited. Well, then we decided to check with the landlord just to make sure it was cool. Heidi called since I was driving. Thats when the phone erupted sparks and smoke. He wasn’t real keen on the idea. Seems his daughter who manages the house is allergic- deathly allergic. That sucked. BAM. All the sudden the day sucked real bad. Heidi was pretty sad- Heck, I had started to warm up to the idea of a little one.

BUT, happy ending. We got a fish yesterday. Plus a little frog. Right now they go by “fishy” and “froggy,” respectively. If you have a minute, you might want to hit the contact info link and drop Heidi a line, just to cheer her up a bit. Thanks.

As promised, here they are in all their glory:

• The Halfbakery: A collection of ideas and inventions and ideas about inventions. Just chect out the about section if you’re confused.

• The Human Clock: It’s been around a while, it’s cool.
• Helvetica VS Arial: Give that upstart font whats been coming to him.
• Death Clock: Find out when you’ll most likely die!!! Wohoo! Party!
• Zefrank: Hours, upon hours, upon hours could be spent on this site. It’s the coolest ever.

Enjoy.

Earlier today…

jasonadrian: did you hear about the baby with 2 heads?
EdSAdkinsIII: no
jasonadrian: Story Here
EdSAdkinsIII: dang- i thought it was the opening for a joke
jasonadrian: i know
jasonadrian: it could be
EdSAdkinsIII: you should post it like that
EdSAdkinsIII: “hear the one about the baby with two heads?”
jasonadrian: i know
jasonadrian: but i feel bad
jasonadrian: the other head actually works a little bit too
jasonadrian: eyes move and stuff
EdSAdkinsIII: i know- thats SO FREAKY
EdSAdkinsIII: “…attached on top and facing up”
jasonadrian: yeah
jasonadrian: theres a couple movies about this
EdSAdkinsIII: yeah
EdSAdkinsIII: like that Stephen Sing one
EdSAdkinsIII: the pic is kinda funny tho
jasonadrian: ewww
EdSAdkinsIII: like you can hear the muffled “hhhuuummpphhh, hummmmpppphhhh”
EdSAdkinsIII: from the one under the hat
jasonadrian: heh
EdSAdkinsIII: they take it off and she’s like “jeez! I could hardly breathe with that thing!”
jasonadrian: the music is like “duhn duhn duhn!!!
EdSAdkinsIII: i cant believe how messed up that is-its gotta be giving those parents the worst nightmares
jasonadrian: yeah
EdSAdkinsIII: (shudder)
jasonadrian: like what if the head is removed but then grows into another body
jasonadrian: an evil blood eating body
EdSAdkinsIII: and starts killing people
jasonadrian: and it lives in the doctors basement
jasonadrian: yeah
EdSAdkinsIII: or becomes a freaky ventriloquist act
EdSAdkinsIII: with the creepiest laugh EVER
jasonadrian: (shudder)

Ever dream of a house where Neil Gaiman, Tim Burton, Danny Elfman, Robert Smith and Andrew Eldritch lived together? Ever thought that would make one heck of a comic? Dream no more.

NICE HAIR: a comic. It’s definately an interesting idea. BTW- don’t know who they are? That’s what google is for, my friend.

OK, I’ll put more up later, but I thought this one deserved its own post.

Caught the last part of an expose the other night on those kids who nearly beat the crap out of you to sell you magazine subscriptions. You know what I’m talking about. You come home and there’s one in your living room sitting in the dark. “I knew you’d show up some time, Mr. Adkins,” he says, swiveling the chair to face me. “I understand how you deterred my associates who visited your office building today- but how do you plan to MAKE IT PAST ME!” At this he jumps up, throwing back his trenchcoat (IN SLOW MOTION) to reveal a gleaming arsenal of machineguns and anti-aircraft weapons.

I dive behind the livingroom wall JUST AS HE SPRAYS A LINE OF BULLETS right above my head. Scrambling for the kitchen, I dart to the pantry, detecting the faint metal clink clink clink of a stun grenade bouncing around the corner! I slam open the pantry, fumbling for a meat cleaver- or skewers- ANYTHING. All I get is a pizza cutter… AND my sawed off shotgun! I dive thru the window into the backyard just as the grenade takes out all the new italian decor Heidi got to redo the kitchen.

“You don’t understand, Mr. Adkins! I’m in second place to win a trip to Tahiti. If you just get one subscription to Vibe or something I could WIN!!! Don’t you want me to win?”

“Never!!!” I scream, just before I raise the Shotgun to pump a few shots backwards over my head into the kitchen, “It’s all a clever rouse- THERE IS NO TRIP TO TAHITI!” and you were NEVER IN SECOND PLACE!!!.” Silence. I begin to backstep towards the shed…

“So…” he begins as he steps from the bushes behind me. “It seems this game of cat and mouse has come to an end.” Hands up, I drop my gun. I know when I’m beat. “I have your checkbook right here- I hope you don’t mind but I took the liberty of ordering you seventeen subscriptions to Reader’s Digest. With this in the system, I’m sure to win fir- ahhhhh yes, you and I both know there was no contest. BUT this is just enough to meet my quota and keep my supervisor off my back for one more day. Thank you Mr. Adkins”

Bang. One shot in the back. As he falls to his knees in complete surprise a red bead begins to grow on his chest. “That’s for the Italian decor, Punk.” Heidi was just in time- now we don’t have to figure out who to give all those Reader’s Digests to.

I found this President Match thingy over at transploration. I don’t know how it happened, but it told me I’m gonna vote for Kerry. What the heck? I’ve voted Republican for a while now. I favor less government. I’m mostly conservative on the issues. What the crap. I’m trying it again.

Check it out and tell me if you think it’s a glitch. I’m worried I’m gonna find myself out back hugging a tree, listening to Dead albums and trading in my Jeep for a Geo Metro.

Update: I’m pretty sure it’s rigged.

Don’t feel like you’ve wasted enuf time at the expense of short flightless birds this winter? Here’s yet another game with penguins.

I just added a new syndication link that includes full posts + comments.

It’s right here.

If you don’t understand this, you need to read up on RSS feeds. It will change your life.

Dangit. It’s been just two days since I caved and She’s already planned that by Satuday we’ll have a cat. Crap, crap, crap. Crap plus one. Man, I’ve lived through cats before. There was the deformed six-toed psycho-cat, the insane pregnant cat that had a thing for stealing steak and spraying crap on the wall- need I go on? Cats are useless, conceited, wretched, hairy beasts who wouldn’t think twice before eating you if you died. They just perch on the fridge and stare smugly down at you. Dogs, man. Now there’s a pet you can trust. You sit down to watch television and they’re like “so, whats say you pet me, eh?” That’s it. If they’re fed and walked and you occasionally throw them some attention they like you. Like me.

So I’ve come up with a few rules for this “pet” as follows:

1. It must never enter the bedroom. It has got to be one of the lamest things to have the cat sleep in your bed, Thats something the Bradys would do.
2. I don’t have to learn it’s name. Cats don’t come when you call, so why bother. Whatever colorful nickname I come up with at the time will suffice.
3. If it gets real sick, I’m not paying for some superexpensive vet bill. They make new cats all the time; we’ll just get a new one.
4. I can torment it. Why have a hell-beast like that if you can’t have a little fun… like “kitty darts” or “feline bowling?”
5. One word: de-clawed.

I’m a fair man. I think this cat and me, we’ll get along just fine. Or else it’ll besome the “other white meat.”

Oh my (story here). One moment while I let out a guttural scream of utter disgust mixed with anguish over the imminent collapse of American society…
AAAIIIIHGGHHGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! huff hufff…

Another moment while I laugh my butt clean off.
HHHAAA HAAHHH HAhh hahahah hahah ha heh heh… heh.. ehhhhh. heh.

I think if you dig a bit, you’ll find that the ancient Romans came up with this exact same show just before the fall.

Wow. If you’re into music you need to check out musicplasma. If you’re not into music you need to check out musicplasma. Everyone- Everyone must check out musicplasma.

Many thanks, ariped.

So I gave in to Heidi’s persitant requests and agreed to it. I keep on saying, “let’s wait” and “we’re just not at that point in our lives yet.” But as much as I say that I’m not ready for a new addition to the Adkins household… I caved in on Saturday and reluctantly agreed. I know, I know- it’s not the attitude to have. But you don’t understand. She’s at that point where she longs for a little one to raise and snuggle and play with. Me, I’d rather wait till we’re in a better financial position- and most importantly I just don’t feel ready.

So now it’s all about making it happen. We’ll probably start working on it this weekend. I’ve gotta tell you, I’m not looking forward to it. She’s the one that’s going to have all the fun- I’ll just go along with it, hoping it ends and we can relax in front of the TV. Bad attitude, you say? PPFFFFTTT. Nonsense. I’ve never wanted a cat. But if that’s what it takes to make her happy, so be it.

BUT, here are a couple things I will never take part in.

Thing one
Thing two
Thing three

Go ahead. Call me a bad daddy.

You know dat, baby. New Terry Tate Office Linebacker movie came out today up in dis humpty bumpty- Check it out here.