who could have avoided financial and legal ruin had he been a regular reader of this site! (link to story)

It’s almost too sad to report. Almost. This Professor scams the govt. out of $600,000 only to lose it to the Nigerian email scammers!!! He got other people in on it who mortgaged their house!!! Holy carp. I find it hard to believe that they’re not making this up, but I am so along for the ride.

Oh, “how did they catch him,” you ask? As police were questioning a suspect at a bar, HE was arguing with an accomplice at the next stinking table! Wow. You win, man. I couldn’t even come up with that. Just wow.

If only he had read this post, and this one, or even this.

Like Aggregators? Good. Like News? Bueno? Wanna see the “Spatial Newsmap?”

(link)

Yes, you do. According to its creator,

Newsmap is an application that visually reflects the constantly changing landscape of the Google News news aggregator. A treemap visualization algorithm helps display the enormous amount of information gathered by the aggregator. Treemaps are traditionally space-constrained visualizations of information. Newsmap’s objective takes that goal a step further and provides a tool to divide information into quickly recognizable bands which, when presented together, reveal underlying patterns in news reporting across cultures and within news segments in constant change around the globe.

You can check trends in the news, see what’s new/old, and go directly to the story you click. All kinds of geeky newsiness. Have fun. Found at Mark’s site.

Do you hate the movie Grease?

Do you hate America’s Funniest Home Videos?

You will absolutlely abhor this video. (link)

But somewhere deep inside, you will get a sick satisfaction- nay, an affirmation- that your life has meant something. If only because you haven’t speant the last two years of it teaching a dog to do that.

I swear to you

THIS IS THE BLUES CLUES GUY. (in all-caps, no less.)

What the crap is up with that?

If you could see me right now, I am visibly shaken.

YOu wANNA KnOW wHAT rreally freaks me out? It’s a kinda cool site. Check the FAQs. I am terrified to listen to the music tho. If he pulls this off I’m personally sending him some sort of award.

People say I look like him when I shave my goatee off.

It’s funny. Ever since I decided to do the competition I’ve found myself feeling extremely UNfunny. I usually walk around at home joking non-stop- and to the perfect audience, my wonderful wifey. She laughs at pretty much anything I do.

But lately I guess I’m just more self-conscious. Like I’m asking myself, “is that really funny?” before I say anything. I’m thinking about stuff like “what is my inspiration?” Not that I’m totally nervous- I’m just a bit off.

What helped a lot is that last night I rented Comedian. It’s a documentary Seinfeld did recently about being a stand-up. It was cool- like having someone take you backstage and de-mystify a lot of that stuff.

It reminded me of something about art or business or life or comedy. You aren’t always on. No one succeeds by being constantly on. It’s impossible. People fail because they count on being on, and sometimes it’s just a fluke.

What you can do is prepare. If you work hard, you can go from a sporadic fluke to a consistent performer. If you rely just on talent you are gambling- and you’re destined to fail.

So I’m tightening up the act. I’m going over the past posts here in the blog, which is prolly where most of it will come from, and try to see what was clicking when I’ve been on. I’m gonna make sure that enough of it is memorized, and I go over the bits with people to check their reactions- you can never really guess exactly what people laugh at. Then, whether I feel like a laugh riot on Sunday or not, it’ll be my best.

All hail the joke monkey.

Barista Action Figure.

She makes teeny, weeny overpriced coffees.

OK people, here’s some artsy fartsy stuff I found. (link) Today is nuts, so I hope this keeps you occupado.

Six days till the comedy competition and I’m a bit nervous. Since it’s a weekly thing with a few more left, I went last night to check out the competition one last time.

It still looked manageable. 19 contestants; most were mediocre with 4 that showed some real talent. It won’t be a cake walk, but I think I have a decent chance. My gig is almost all penned out, and I took a lot of notes on the atmosphere last nite too, like how the crowd reacted to different subjects, tempo and image of the contestants.

I did it once before when I was in college and it’s absolutely incredible. You get addicted to the audience reactions- when you nail a well timed joke and the crowd goes nuts- it’s like a drug. Boom, boom, boom. Just like anything else- when you’re on you’re on. Of course I’m worried about being off. I hadn’t planned on getting into stand-up before I was done with my degree and stuff- but this competition is simply too hard to pass up.

This week I’m renting a few of the greats on DVD: Seinfeld, Leary, Murphy and Rock. Any suggestions are welcomed too- if you know of a great stand-up on dvd or cd lemme know. I love studying these guys’ acts and techniques.

Bloglines is the Shaz-Nat. With it, you can:

• Share the blogs you read

• Access your blogs via mobile PDA interface
• Post a blogroll on your site separated by category
• Synch your home and office RSS aggregators
• Allow people to search your subscriptions for info
• Find out how many people subscribe to your blog via their service
• Choose which subscriptions are public and private
• Cut the federal budget
• Eliminate your morning traffic
• Impress everyone at your high school reunion
• Reconcile your estranged relationship with your parents
• Earn a degree in heating and cooling

What more could you possibly ask for???? Hmmmm? I think it kicks the crap out of blogrolling and “share your opml.”

I don’t want a pet.

Pet people a just so darn weird. (link)

Three games which will render you useless the rest of the day:

• Tanks: It’s a super-beefed-up version of the Tank Attack game for the C64.

• Zombie Kittens: Need I say more?
• Blob: Another rip-off of a similar blob game but these ones look like WW Nerds.
  

From this moment on, all fat children willl heretofore be referred to as…

MCKIDS.

The picture is amazing.

Thank you so much BBC and ASV.

Richard Simmons, Bad@$$- With Flair!

Yes. It is the rise of the CeWEBerty. People who are Celebrities of the Internet. Most of whom live in relative obscurity until their web appeal unleashes a torrent of websites devoted to them including doctored pictures, soundboards, animations, fanclubs and fan fiction.

From nothing to internet icon, it is the phenomenon only seen on the web where the cult of personality can sweep continents in a day.

Known CeWEBerties:

• William Hung The American Idol “She Bangs” guy.

• Star Wars Kid A mop handle and a camera and a star was born.
• Bubb Rubb Woo Woo my friend. Woo woo indeed.
• Robert Hamburger The author of the infamous “ninja site.
• Henry Earl Town drunk of the net.

I think there’s a lot here to write about. Like what makes these people so contagious? Or why do some people become ceWEBerties while others never catch on? If you are aware of any more ceWEBerties than I have mentioned, please add them below.

Imagine if the net was this popular ten years ago. The little girl in the bumblebee outfit in the No Rain video would rule the world.

P.S. I like CeWEBerty better than CeWEBrity, so don’t try to correct my spelling.

“Hey! Your Feedster got in my Share Your OPML!”
“I’m afraid you are mistaken- it was your Share My OPML that got in my Feedster!”

And thus a neat little toy was created.

(link)

Uh oh. Theres only a few more days left to pre-register for Gnomedex. For those of you who have (interesting) lives, Gnomedex is a conference for internet dweebs where we can learn about all kinds of ultra-nerdy stuff and pay homage to the leaders of our kingdom- the elite techno people who paved the way for all of us lesser geeks. And this year there’s an open bar.

Well, it’s being held in Tahoe which is only about 30-45 minutes away. Nice. Who’s with me?

where Bones had to do surgery on Spock’s brain? Oh. Well I do. Jason sent me this article (link) about brain experiments that could someday help people suffering of Parkinson’s Disease.

Now, he sent it to me for material to use in my comedy act on APRIL 4th, and while I immediately extracted what I needed, I also took note of one sentence in particular which really freaked me out.

“The patients are awake during surgery so they can guide the surgeon.”

What the heck is up with that!?! Guide the surgeon? How? “Ohh yeah Doc- riiiightt there- yeah- now a little to the- *UUUGHhhhhhchhhhttt* … Who am I?” It’s not a back rub- it’s neurosurgery. That’s some freaky stuff.

ANYWAY, if you’re still reading this- feel free to send me anything you think would aide me in completing my routine. Either use the comments below or email me (info in contact link on right). Many thanks.

Sunday, April 4th.

I’m doing it.

Be there.

Jason sent me this incredible article that pairs up the “Rumsfeld Fighting Styles” site with Enter the Dragon. It’s a must for anyone with a sense of humor and an afinity for Kung-Fu. Gwen, you’re sure to love it. (READ)

Favorite Exerpt:

“Man, they ain’t seen unorthodox-but-effective until they seen me,” said the languid Jack “Chocolate Lightning” Garrison, the two-time East Coast Freestyle Kung-Fu champion once described by SuckaPunch magazine as “six feet of stone-cold brotha and 10 inches of afro barely contained in a fly lemon-yellow jumpsuit.”

“I won’t waste my time with defeat,” Garrison added. “I’ll be too busy looking good.”

Waste some time. You deserve it.

Play.