Found this site yesterday, Cox and Forkum. Pretty funny stuff.

I think I’ve said it before, but back in highschool I had my sights set on being a political cartoonist. I really dig ‘em. But there’s such a glut of lefty stuff out there with no balance that they start turning me off no matter how funny.

This site offers a view from the right, and they’re mad funny to boot. I also like that while they seem to have that leaning, they’re not afraid to criticize the President like many righties are.

I dissagree with them on some of their stance on Islam. From what I’ve read they lump all muslims into the “radical” group. They seem to take far too simplistic of a view of a religious and cultural group that is comprised of millions and millions fo people.

But if I worried too much about ignorance I’d probably never read another cartoon again. They’re funny. Check it.

Over at Buddah’s Den they’re talking about, um, “super-sized” people wearing tight clothing. It reminded me of a wee little phrase I coined the other day while talking to Heidi about that very subject.

Regarding the phenomenon of McWomen who wear the tiny tiny halter tops with tight low rise jeans and the accompanying bulge it creates which overlaps said low risers:

It is… are you ready for it?
(more…)

Stop whatever you’re doing. Go check out danecook.com. Unless, of course, you were already checking out danecook.com, or you happen to be Dane Cook yourself. In that case, um, give me a job on your new show or something.

This guy is hilarious. His act is what I’m like when I’m just farting around. It’s totally the direction I want to take my routine once I’m more comfortable. When I showed the site to Heidi she was like, “hey thats you!” To which I replied, “No, that’s Wil Ferell’s prettied-up little brother on crack. Isn’t he awesome?” (note: no actual relation to WF.)

He’s on Comedy Central this weekend, so do youself a favor and check him out. For now, just root around his site a while and lemme know what you think of him.

Whats the blog-o-verse yapping about today? Think the stuff I talk about is original? You don’t read many blogs, then.

Bloglines: Top links.

This feature lets you know what subjects are currently popular and who’s talking about them. Nice- I see a few things I’ve posted about lately. (check out that Khaan one- it’s worth a look-see)

We all rape and pillage one another for material, and sometimes we let you know who we got it from. I was taught by someone once in regarding public speaking that “the secret to being original is hiding your sources.” Nothing is original, this blog is simply my take on all the stuff I see flying about the net, the TV, the paper and whatnot.

(BTW, I’ve changed the “Blogs We Read” link in the top right to my bloglines page.)

Jason and I both agree, this guy is reason enought that the internet is worth having.

Jay Maynard’s TRON costume

Every time I look at him I think Milton from Office Space. This is classic. Keep chasing your dreams, folks.

Thanks to Seanbonner for this little gem.

Listening to NPR this morning, I heard a rather bizarre story about one schizophrenic rapist murderer who just can’t catch a break. Homie’s name is Warren Wesley Summerlin and he’s on death row out in Arizona but his case is being appealed in front of the Supreme Court today on account of a whole mess of screw-ups in the US justice system. Now, I’m not for the death penalty, but I’m also not all “David Gale” either. I figure you know that it’s out there, so if you go around killing people and stuff you know full well what’s coming to you. I just find this guy’s case an interesting symphony of errors.

Here’s the low-down:

• April of 1981 a collection officer stops by Summerlin’s house to inquire about a late-payment on his wife’s Piano. Things go awry he rapes her and bashes her head in, wrapping her in his step-daughter’s bed sheet and dumps her in a trunk. Heinous deed, no doubt- but then things become increasingly strange.

• Summerlin’s mother in law tips off the police, claiming psychic premonition.
• His first defender wrangles a plea bargain, but it falls through when it’s discovered that she is sleeping with the prosecutor
• The new defender basically argued nothing for the case- even neglecting to mention that the guy is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who is considered mildly retarded and unable to control his anger.
• The judge who sentenced him was later disbarred for getting high all the time. Apparently he was reportedly looking confused during the sentencing hearing, uttering stuff no one could understand and may have confused the case with another death penalty case that day with a victim that had the same last name.

Dang. You’d have a hard time making up a story this good. This case is being used as a basis to see if a court ruling that juries, not judges, should make the final decision as to whether a person should be put to death or not will be applied retroactively to re-sentence 111 inmates across the US.

I’m against the death penalty, but mostly since it costs a lot more than life in prison. The new ruling about juries doling it out seems like a reasonable safe-guard against the guilty getting the chair (or needle or firing squad) due to errors in the process, but there’s still the chance that an innocent person could wind up on death row and make it all the way to the great beyond. Any takers on this one?

The problem with reality TV isn’t the drama, it isn’t the fact that most of it’s staged, and it isn’t the fact that the majority of these people are ghetto enough to qualify as Springer material. The problem is the Prize. None of these shows gives them what they really need. Sure, they get a few bucks- or I guess one of them does. But, let’s face it- if they were the kind of person who could make or save that kind of money they wouldn’t have whored themselves on national TV for it. It’s as good as gone.

What they need is a show where they get something they really need. How ’bout next time we round up 60 men and women to flaunt their insecurities, get into petty fights and totally pretend to become head-over-heals, smear-your-mascara, catfight-in-the-hot-tub in love with someone- we give them the chance to win what they really need: dignity.

I think I imagine this about 4 or five times each night before going to bed. It’s a pretty vulnerable situation- here you are about to close your eyes and ears to the world for 6 to eight hours or so. Just before allowing sleep to take over each night I picture what I would do if I wake up to see an ominous silhouette in the doorway.

(ED. note: Of course lately they take the form of a lifeless zombie- most likely the initial representative of thousands searching out a warm meal in my neighborhood in the event that the world has been taken over by the living dead, but it could easily be exchanged for a normal burglar or something.)

Well, I’m pretty sure that it’s a regular thought for most men- at least once in the last few months you’ve got up from peaceful slumber to do a security sweep of your house at your wife’s request. I grab various things for the patrol. I’ve donned the brass candlestick from the nightstand, I used to keep my old lacrosse stick under the bed, and more times than not I’ll wrap this really heavy belt around one hand ’cause I imagine the buckle would make a healthy impression on any would-be intruder.

Well, this guy is my hero (story). In the process of beating the ever-living crap out of the guy who broke into his house and tried to kidnap his son, he broke not just one golf club, but two- and a fire poker- over this guy. Nice work. The police found the dude later wandering the neighborhood- prolly delirious. Greg McMurray, you have now been entered into the running for the 2004 Manly Man Award

What was that guy thinking breaking into a house on “Wild Irishman Lane,” anyway?

Thanks to Dave Barry for the story.

Well you can’t blame them for trying.

So I’m doing this whole overhaul of the site soon and included will be a change of our domain name. So here I am looking for insiration and I stumble accross some rather, um, interesting ones for sale over at ebay.

MICHAELJACKSONISDEAD.com: it reminds me of an old techno song- anyone remember that one? You have to admit- while morbid, this is a rather enterprising individual who definately thinks ahead.

EVYLUTION.com: This beauty is going for the bargain basement price of 99 grand. A quote from the seller explains, “People have told us we could be asking much, much more for this name…who is to say? Let me ask you this: Which is “worth” more? Beetles (proper spelling) or Beatles (invented spelling)?”

NAMEGOAT.com: This rounds off the collection with a starting bit of about 10 bucks. “This is just what you have been waiting for,” says the owner, “a UNIQUE web address that will make you stand out above the others.” In my opinion, the logo alone is worth at least 75 cents.

That’s right. I’m just plain crazy about health. You could say that the very subject of healthy living consumes my very thoughts. I often find myself thinking, “How long before I can get off work and pour myself a frosty glass of my favorite health drink?”

That is, ever since Glen over at Instapundit informed me that Guiness is good for you.

Read more about the health benifits of the Beer that Drinks Like A Meal. (story)

whoa- there’s been this crazy sound going off for a while, i thought it was someon’s phone off the hook.

I guess its a fire alarm.

The Fire Department is here.

We’re on the eleventh floor.

I guess I should go.

Update: No fire. Still alive. We all got to go back to work but the stupid alarm system is still going off.

Made another go at standup last night. At first I didn’t want to, considering the events of the last week, but I figured it might be therapeutic. This time went much better- I didn’t bother with the notes and I wasn’t so nervious. I was comfortable with the crowd, and even when they didn’t respond to the one I thought I could end on, I pulled out a few of my alternate jokes and ended strong.

But I didn’t win. There were two pros in the crowd and one of them took home the gold. He’s been doing stand-up for 20 years. The other guy has been doing it for 10 and he drove out from Sacramento where he has a regular paying gig. So, I felt pretty good for having stood my ground against them with all of two weeks under my belt.

Not that it wasn’t a bit of a blow to the ego tho. The crowd was real small b/c of Easter, and I was one of the first to go up which can be real hard too. But when came down I thougt, “heck yeah! that kicks the crap out of my set from last week!” But there’s always someone who can raise the bar higher- and those guys were both on.

Oh well, it was a blast again (I’ll put the video up this week for anyone who wants to check it out). And I’ve said it before; as much as I would love to come right out of the gates as the funniest guy in history, it’s going to take practice and persistance. Crap.

For those who have just recently come to E&H.com, the “serious face” category is reserved for the truely serious stuff. It’s basically the only way people know I’m not joking.

Well, the jokemonkey isn’t feeling too great today. One of my buddies is gone, and it’s an awfully confusing story as to why. Right now, it’s not time to figure that out though- it’s just a tough time and tough times happen.

So enjoy yourself today- we’ve all got a ton to be thankful for. For me it’s going to be a weekend of counting all that stuff and taking stock of where my life is at and catching up with the freinds who are also affected.

If I don’t get around to posting, make sure to have a great weekend.

So Heidi and I are at what experienced couples would call an impasse.

We don’t see eye to eye on a particular subject and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Now, I’m not calling it an argument for a few reasons. First, neither of us have intentional hurt the other’s feelings over it- and I respect the fact that she stands by her opinion, I just don’t like it. I dunno how many of our readers have had a similar discussion with their significant others, but let me tell you- don’t open this Pandora’s box unless you’re totally prepared to hear the answer.

Heidi says that if I were to become a flesh-eating zombie that she’d have no problem blowing my brains to kingdom come.

That’s just kind of hard to hear, you know? I mean I asked the question knowing full well that she’d be honest about it but I just don’t look at her the same now. I’d have a heck of a hard time putting her down if she was a zombie.

I don’t know how I could possible reconcile it. There she’d be- all cute and snuggly- my little bunny-bear, except she’d be the walking dead. She’d probably have a little bit of our neighbor hanging on her chin or something, and a touch of the crazy eye- but come on, she’d still be my wife. How could I take a shotgun or a shovel or something to the soulless shell that used to be my wife?

But of course, she says that she wouldn’t think twice. According to her, the moment she catches me feasting on the warm corpse of another human being the bonds of holy matrimony are effectively severed. I don’t know. It just seems cold.

When she says it there’s just this steely resolve in her eye, like she’s already counted the cost. I can tell you this- I wouldn’t do it. I couldn’t. I’d probably keep her locked up in the basement or something. Perhaps send her a neighborhood dog once and a while to keep her happy, but I’d never intentionally send her cute little lifeless body into the sweet hereafter. Maybe it’s a guy thing- we’re far more influenced by looks than women are.

A few times I’ve entertained the idea of letting her munch on a forearm or something in a attempt to join her in zombiedom, but it’s a bridge I don’t want to cross till I come to it. For now, I just have to live with a woman who is fully prepared to finish me off if and when the time comes.

If you can offer any helpful advice or insight, please do.

Everyone can relate to this:

Accidentally making a little fart sound with your shoe.

That’s a sweet piece of blogging right there. I was gonna get around to covering that subject myself, but I just thought Buzz did a much finer job. Classic.

What do you guys do in that situation? I immediately try to re-create it- if that doesn’t work I’ll either announce it to everyone that it was a false alarm. Tends to shatter that tension pretty well.

This just in: Break out your TPS report coversheets because Mike Judge, my personal mentor and hero, is working on a new movie. It was first to be titled “Uhmerica” but is now being called 3001. Quick, but something absorbant between you and your chair:

It’s gonna star Luke Wilson and SNL’s Maya Rudolph. Yes, brass trumpets are once again ringing throughout the land.

Also heard yesterday that John Woo is bringing Metriod to the big screen. Lets hope he stays off the crack pipe this time and gets something right.

Dang. I didn’t know that April 7 was send-your-infected-email-attachements-day. It’s a good thing I never open that crap.

Man, reality TV continues to find societal lows that neither Reality nor TV could ever hope to reach alone. MTV has now got this show, “I Want A Famous Face,” documenting what they call a phenomenon of people getting plastic surgery to look like celebs. First, how big does something have to be before it’s called a phenomenon? Six people? Does a bakers dozen qualify as an epidemic? Perhaps I missed it when all my friends went under the knife to look like movie stars. Reality is becoming an increasingly diluted word.

The message is by no means subtle- “plastic surgery is now officially out.” Ya think? But, is this really the best you could do? Um… I dunno. Maybe show a few less image augmentation spokespeople? Hello, I believe you spawned Jenny Macarthy and Carmen Electra. Now you’re telling us that what you probably pressured hundreds of more like them to do in the past may not be good for the rest of us?

So far most of the show’s subjects don’t go for the famous face as much as the famous boobs, but still the concept is freakshow. You cant help but shiver when you see high-schoolers going under the knife to fit some warped stereotype. Now, I’m not saying the show isn’t worth watching. It’s very much like a nasty car accident you get a chance to rubberneck. It’s disturbingly interesting and it fills you with a profound sense of safety that you missed getting involved.

It kind of becomes a game too- at least for me. I try to figure out just which of Mr. Potato Head’s parts they’re going to try to inject or place inside or cut off of said subject in order to make the transformation. The next episode looks to have this twig of a guy who wants to look like Jennifer Lopez. Thanks MTV. I’ve never felt so content being me.

Update: It looks as if FOX (surprise surprise) is trying to outdo them. (swan) Stop this crazy thing.

“You Know What I Mean?”

There, my friends, is a trap. Eeeeevile: as in the frewets of the devile- eeeeeevil. What are my choices?

Either:
A. Yes, I agree with everything you just said. or…
B. I am a complete retard who cannot comprehend a word that came out of your mouth.

We all have at least one friend who ends every opinion with that phrase. How do you counter it? I’ve tried a few like “…well, I understand what you’re saying…” But nothing seems to send the message home that while I don’t agree with you it doesnt mean that what you said was so incredibly deep that I had no hope of grasping its meaning.

You’re tricky, you people. I have my eye on you if you know what I mean.

That makes sense. (story) (mattsharp.net)

I do dig country, tho. And come on- even polka would be better than that “Friends of P” song that his other band The Rentals did.