Take a breath. Remove your philosophical cap from its case and fasten the chinstrap.

Grab a pad. Sharpen your pencil.

We have to work this one out. Ready?

Are complete dicks drawn to huge trucks above all other vehicles?

Do huge trucks possess an inherent evil so powerful that they can turn weaker-willed yet otherwise courteous drivers into complete dicks?

Metafilter has a post about a supposed messageboard spamming campaign to save Ashlee Simpson’s image. the concept is simple, write a comment in support of her in the fashion of a 13 year old girl, copy it and paste it to as many message boards as possible.

Test it out.

See if you can spot Tony Pierce in there giving the girl a little support.

One thing I’ve loved about this whole thing since the beginning was a quote from ashlee when the lipsynching thing exploded. No one seemed to pick up on it.

It was something to the effect of “I don’t care who makes fun of me- there are a lot of really powerful people behind my career- I have to make it.”

Notice something missing? No mention of tallent at all. It’s not “I’m so good” or “I work so hard” it’s “Rich people want to get richer selling me.”

Hmmm. Exactly. That’s why you still have a show. That’s why you sold a bazillion albums without having to to stuff like, um, sing.

HOTEL – an interactive tale by Han Hoogerbrugge

Found via the genius Ze.

It occurred to me today that I’ve never extolled the virtues of The Office.

Well, not one to exaggerate I will simply say that it is perhaps the most perfect series in all creation.

I believe that it, along with Anchorman, have come out during this dark time in order to heal the world.

That said, Tony Pierce mentioned that this Emmanuelle has reviewed the American version which I’m still not convinced won’t suck, bringing the end of all humanity.

Funny, b/c I used the face transformer to turn Michael More into a baby 3 times- and each time I couldn’t tell the diffeence from the originals.

I KNOW I can’t be the only one who did this.

Go to the face transformer NOW.

The face transformer is wayyyyy too much fun.

Found via Hunny Hive.

Oh and Heidi- I’m sorry bunny, but apparently I’m going to be a really ugly old man. My bad.

You know those mind-numbingly sweet dreams that you just don’t want to end?

Those dreams that you wake up and then start crying b/c you know you can’t go back?

I, my friends, had one last night that was so good I’m afraid to tell you about it in fear that once it’s coolness is put to the screen it will have to power to blind you.

So squint before you read on.
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Shabooty brought up an excellent point regarding my previous post.

Offensive humor is more than just fart noises and comments about bedding someone’s momma- it’s actually a deep, complex issue. Most people simply cannot wrap their minds around it, and that explains the people from my last post, and people like Miss Jones.

When you blind yourself to the implication of your words, chances are your dumb ass is gonna say something ignorant. Be it, “CUT OFF THE TV! SPONGEBOB IS SEDUCING TIMMY!” or something like the current brou-ha-ha over at HOT 97.

See, they were pushing the boundaries of decency, as most morning shows do, and went too far. They played a song making fun of the tsunami which also used racial slurs against Asians. Now when one of their own hosts spoke up on behalf of Asians they thought, “oh you silly girl, we all know black people can’t be racist.” Then they got more offensive, and eventually the Asian community, the city government, and the hip-hop community all stepped in to say “nu-uh.” Now they’re suspended.

So they question is, would I condone this and say “oh come on people, get some thick skin.” No. Because I believe I understand the continuum. There’s a difference b/t finding a sliver comedy in tragedy and exposing it gently, and mindless stunts like that. I know b/c I’ve gone there. In my own act I’ve slipped in a few Tsunami jokes (i stole from pete) and people laughed. People laughed b/c I pointed out something legitimately funny and gave them an excuse to laugh. Then I left the stage.

Here’s a great example of what I’m talking about.

A new suit, some flowers, and a pine box…

*tearing the envelope open, blowing in it to open it, and…*

What Johnny Carson has planned for tomorrow.

I read that at Tony’s site yesterday and completely ruined my desk with coffee spray. That’s funny. I could see Carson himself doing that one. He made light of a sad situation- but he wasn’t an idiot about it.

It’s a fine line kiddos. I’d love to hear what ya’ll think about it.

“People who get offended by humor can feel free to roll around in barbed wire with Magic Johnson.”
- Jim Norton

I’ve always been a bit of a, shall we say, idiot. In high school I was a class clown. The same proved for most of my undergrad college classes, and sadly also my MBA. If there was one type of person I couldn’t help but pick on mercilessly in high school it was people whose buttons were easily pushed.

I see funny things constantly. It’s like a constant cartoon in my head. A grossly perverted cartoon with nightmarish scenes of gore, and some butterflies and daisies.

What I’ve never respected though are people who walk around with a big HUGE glaring button on their foreheads labeled “please push so i can get offended.” I abuse people like that every chance I get. I understand if your sensitivity comes from serous baggage like daddy left when you were 4 and you spent years fending off constant advances from your uncle. Fine, you get a free pass. It’s the people who act like “oohhh my word! I never think thoughts like that!” that I just want to trip into a steaming pile of rabies.

Give up the act, relax, and admit that you thought it was funny when the kid with downs fell off the swing. You bastard.

Shecky posted an article a while back about some lady who wrote a letter to her local paper b/c she got offended at comedy show.

A comedy show.

When you go to a comedy show, that button should be disconnected, resting in your purse between your prozac and your stungun. If you can’t do that you shouldn’t expose yourself to humor. Or me.

Here’s a thought: Maybe- just maybe- something you find knee-slapping hilarious is totally offensive to someone else. Actually, it’s a given. So please dismount from your lofty steed.

Some of my favorite comics are horrible, horrible, black-hearted miserable wretches of human beings. In a nice way tho.

For instance, I think Murph is the funniest, hardest working guy in Hollywood today. I seriously cry each time I read his blog.

Anyway, there’s my philosophy on getting all flustered over humor. All I ever wanted was for you to admit that funny is funny no matter how it’s presented. Sorry I made you cry in Mrs. Klausen’s class tho.

Wait scratch that. I still crack up thinking about it you pretentious twit.

After finally watching City of God (Cidade de Deus) last night I have one thing to say. We have no more use for Martin Scorsese. While he keeps making junk movies with that DiCaprio chick, two people I’ve never heard of made the coolest gangster flick to come out in the last 15 years. De Palma can also feel free to hang up his gloves.

City of God is real. It is gritty. It doesn’t have the suicidally annoying banter of Joe Pesci.

But the real kicker is what the Directors, Fernando Meirelles and Kátia Lund, did for the locals. They were so into using the real kids who live in the frightening conditions in the film that they cast and trained the local rugrats. Then, when it dawned on them how great of an experience it was for the kids, they established an acting school for them that’s still going on.

Rent the movie. Now. And totally fuggetabout everything you were taught about gangster films.

This one is strictly for all the other losers out there who blog.

We need someone to write the plugin which will end the problem of expired material.

I think I have it in concept. I use trillian as an IM client. As I write, it adds hyperlinks to words that link back to wikipedia entries on the subject.

We need a similar plugin for blogs and our archives.

What if, as we posted, hyperlinks were added to our most used words- linking to dynamically created archives of all the other posts which used that same word or phrase.

Hello.

It would have to have a few features to make it work. First off, it would have to offer a blacklist of too-common words like “and” and “the” that we could add to and personalize. It’s sensitivity would have to be adjustable also.

I really think it would solve the problem of outdated material. Once something is posted it’s forgotten and that sucks. When I’m in a conversation I’m alaways pulling up pieces of old thoughts and making them new again. That’s how we think, how we communicate- why not make it a more natural process for blogging?

Something’s up. I did a little self-censoring earlier this week and omitted a couple posts.

Sometimes I worry that people aren’t ready for me to unload some of the more, shall we say, unrefined aspects of my humor.

But since then I just haven’t been able to write. Nothing seems compelling. I even bombed horribly at an open mic last night b/c I just don’t feel passionate about writing humor.

Now of course I can’t post the outdated previously censored stuff b/c it won’t be funny now. But I think I’ll come up with a disclaimer to toss up here so that I can spit out more of a free flow of whatever find haha, without worrying if someone may get upset.

Not that I’m terribly worried about people getting upset, but since I don’t enjoy the luxury of anonymity here I risk a bit professionally and personally if i push stuff too far.

Why is it that media sources- usually the official gate-keepers and transmitters of the latest trends, coolness and hippitude are so ancient in their thinking.

They believe that they can dick consumers around forever with no repercussions. Then, when consumers fight back they push for legislation to beat them down.

I see media now like the last Russian Czar. Clueless about the power of the people.

They’re old dusty white men wearing masks that say MTV and HBO. But stuff like last night is where their oldmanness starts to show bigtime.

I watched Desperate Housewives last night to see what all the hubbub was about, but mostly b/c I needed to fill the void between Battlestar Galactica and Huff. It wasn’t too bad. Until the end. The extended two minute end. That was L A M E.

Two aggravating extra minutes. Don’t think we don’t know why you’re doing this.

Then I read this story where NBC tries to say, “oh, that’s just, um, a new thing for ad revenue.”

Yeah, it’s just a coincidence that PVRs are sorta on the rise. Then TIVO chimes in with “ABC is our friend. NBC wouldn’t lie to us.”

Since when is TIVO ABC’s bitch? And at what benefit?

I don’t know about you, but when as soon as I get the feeling that I’m getting played I split. I don’t care about your show, I don’t care about your words, I care about my power as a consumer. Quit making it hard to access your subpar CRAP. Quit pretending that you don’t need to be consumer-focused.

I hear you loud and clear, Mr. Network Excutive.

“It’s not my job to make it easy for people to leave our network,” -ABC scheduling chief Jeff Bader

= “It’s not my job to meet consumer needs”

= “It’s not my job to pull my head out of my butt in time to see the market taken over by a competitor/substitute who will.”

And it’s not our job to watch your crappy show.

Plus they’re so not hot. Isn’t Terry Hatcher like 52 or something?

Heidi and I go out this weekend to Tahoe. The pics are pretty cool if you want to check them out here.

Warning: Tool Ahead.

As seen on seanbonner’s site: Why I asked bloglines to remove my site from it’s service.

Yeah! I asked bloglines to do the same. Then I asked every online user in the whole world to never share a file again. I also called each “ed” in the phone book and let them know that I have fist dibbs on our name. I still thought I had a little pretentious bastard left in me so I went ahead and sued an orphan who used one of the jokes I casually told in public without referencing me.

If I am not mistaken, isn’t it your RSS FEED that bloglines is showing people?

AND IF I MAY GO FURTHER WITH MY CONJECTURE, DIDN’T YOU PUT IT THERE FOR FEEDREADERS TO AGGREGATE IT, YOU RIDICULOUS GREEDY TOOL?

Ugh. People are so funny. And here we all thought that only organizations like the RIAA were myopic and self-serving enough to limit the use of their content.

Obviously he thinks he’s losing ad revenue and possibly risking having his content dangerously close to ads from another competitor. Um, ok. He tosses people a bone with the following:

For the 190 of you who subscribe to this site through Bloglines, I apologize for any inconvenience, but I think that you will still find my site easily accessible, here.

Screw that- I would like to extend a warm invitation to all 190 of his previous subscribers: YOU CAN SUBSCRIBE TO ME INSTEAD. You’ll laugh a hell of a lot more and be able to use bloglines until you puke. Bloglines kicks much ass. I’m not afraid to let them MAKE ME ACCESSIBLE TO HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE- AT THEIR CONVIENIENCE. So subscribe away. There’s a link on the right- click it into submission.

That was the motto for WHFS. Evolve.

WHFS was a modern rock station in DC. It gave those of us in the outlying rural areas hope that someday, we could move to a place where people knew what cool was.

I remember finding cassettes at people’s houses marked “WHFS” and begging to hear what was on them. It was like the last person with gasoline in the post apocalypse movies.

I remember going to WHFStival- and seeing the best band in all of recorded sound- Too Much Joy. I remember 30 thousand people chilling out, playing volleyball in their doc martins, sliding in mud and playing Frisbee with pizza boxes and jumping around listening to some of the coolest bands out there- bands who didn’t need MTV- all for 7 measly bucks.

Hell, “yeah baby, I’m totally into HFS” could be used to impress the right chicks in the right circles. This is back when modern rock wasn’t cool with the post Reagan preppies, so brief moments of cool were a reason to live.

Well, HFS did indeed evolve. As I learned over at Shab00ty and Sledge’s blogs today. It evolved into a Spanish-only station.

Actually, it de-volved over the years. What began as an independent upstart, slowly sold out to the man, bought a suit and cut his hair and bedded the devil- pimping good charlotte and avril. HFS had long since fallen off. They died an ignoble X-Files death, rather than a proud Buffy one like 97X.

Anyway, give me a minute while I relive my youth and listen to Long Haired Guys From England.

What do you call a music player where you can’t find your music or even see what’s playing?

Broken?

Not if you’re Apple.

Not only did they come out with the Ipod Shuffle today, but I got my hands on their next big thing- the iCrap. (click for bigger pic.)

Shecky Magazine posted this Time article by Dave Chappelle that I really dug. I found I related a lot to the feelings he expressed regarding writing and performing.

The evolution of my jokes happens very organically. If there’s something I see on the news or something I’m thinking about, I might go down to the club and just talk it out, almost conversationally, and funny things will arise. I don’t sit at a desk and think, “I want to tackle the issue of AIDS” or “I want to tackle the issue of racism.” I don’t look at things that way. Sometimes I’ll think up things just because I know they’re inappropriate, which is kind of the fun of comedy. It’s liberating.

That’s pretty much how I develop stuff for the site and my standup- just stuff that seems funny in conversation. Since I try to do new material each week, I’ll get anxious when it’s half-way thru and I haven’t had a really funny conversation. I’ll just be cracking up with someone now and have to run around looking for a pen. Or Heidi and I will be in Wal-Mart and the person next to us is cracking me up & I’ll just whip out my phone and record something about them. She gets a bit embarrassed by that.

Something else he says about appropriateness struck a cord too.

There are some things you don’t want to do to get a laugh. Every once in a while, you’ll have what my writing partner Neal Brennan calls “buyer’s remorse,” where I’ll say something, and it’ll get a laugh, and after that I’ll regret it and think, “Oh, I shouldn’t have said that.” Sometimes it’s obvious to you, and you’ve got to call foul on yourself. Generally, I like the jokes to be empowering or enlightening on some level. But then again, part of being a comic is saying things that people haven’t said before—so you’re gonna say inappropriate things from time to time. The trick is not to pay too much attention to the boundaries. When your humor becomes too self-aware, you might be less effective.

I think that when you try to stay too far on either side of the appropriateness fence you risk your comedy. I don’t try to be lewd or squeaky clean- but like Chapelle says, usually inappropriate stuff is funny.

The rest of the article offers some great insight. I don’t know enough other comics to know if this is how we all feel, but I totally relate to what he’s saying.

sarcasomatic: I’m going to learn how to play an instrument

sarcasomatic: and how to sing.

sarcasomatic: and I’ll start a band and we’re going to do a cover of “Maxwell’s silver hammer” by the Beatles.

jasonadrian: uh?

sarcasomatic: ive just been getting annoyed with people

[EDitor's note: the following lines explaining your average 9-5 frustration we're deleted to protect my financial future. Just place your own in to supplement the storyline.]

jasonadrian: why the Beatles comment

sarcasomatic: oh b/c that song makes me feel better when i want to kill everyone.

sarcasomatic: i just picture myself popping their heads open with the gentle “whack” from a silver tack hammer.

sarcasomatic: and i smile

jasonadrian: psychotic

sarcasomatic: its worked since middle school
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