NO ONE BLOGS FOR THEMSELVES.

No one.

People who write a blog and try to pretend they just write it for themselves reek of the thick stench of pretentiousness. They rank along side girls who have words on their butts and people who whisper personal stuff really loudly. I see people write this crap all the time:

“I Don’t care who reads this”
“It’s so tacky- people fishing for traffic.”
“I don’t even look at my stats.”
“It’s not a popularity contest.”
“I hate Wil Wheaton.”

Sure. I believe you, you lying whore. That’s why you write your diary ON THE FREAKING INTERNET.

People who want to put their thoughts in a private place put their diaries ON PAPER, where it serves one single purpose- to teach their younger brother that girls get those thoughts too.

I write my blog because I want to be rich and famous. I don’t want everyone to like it- I want people with a sense of humor to become obsessed with it. I want them spending obscene amounts of time at work checking for my updates. I want them to neglect their personal lives, appointments, family and whatnot. I want them spreading the edadkins.com gospel to all ends of the earth until one day I’m climbing a mountain in Tibet with my horrendously large entourage when from atop a steep cliff I hear a lonely sherpa exclaim- “man i f*cking LOVE your blog.”

That’s why I do this. I would die if no one read it. I need attention. And I will stoop to some pretty low places in order to bring readers here. I’ll enter contests, visit tons of sites and leave crappy comments and kiss as much butt as I have to. And so will you.

So quit lying people and fess up. And don’t put words on your butt and try and pretend you don’t want people looking.

Lady luck has, shall we say, blown on my dice kiddos.

I headed down to the GBBC for an open mic night after a month and a half hiatus. First off, the set was money- I had a blast and fell right back into the groove I was in when I left.

But that’s not the important part.

When I got there one of the comics told me that a local booking agent thinks I have talent and wants to talk to me about opening some actual gigs.

HELLO.

I can’t beleive it. So the dude who told me hosts a comedy night on Tuesdays and he invited me to do a set this week and the booking agent will be there to talk to me.

HELLO.

That’s when I may have overstepped the bounds of a polite “thank you.” Apparently some people don’t think men should french kiss people in public.

Anyway, I’m so excited and I just can’t hide it. Now I gotta get my A-Game ready for Tuesday.

If you haven’t checked them out already, go peek at my clips in the video section. They load fast and are pretty good quality. Plus I try to be funny.

I did my first open-mic in a while on Tuesday night. It was a new one that started at this dive in downtown Reno. It was classic. There was an itsy bitsy stage, about 10 people seated right in front of it, and a few scattered folks at the bar. The audience consisted of the other 2 performers, the emcee, some old guys and a few assorted drunks.

Now, many comics will complain about a venue like this but I won’t. For a few reasons.

1. I’ve always gotten off when people stare at me. I don’t know- maybe if i was good looking I’d like to be a model. Sure, it would be cool if they laughed- but I’ll take staring.

2. Uncomfortable silence immediately following a new joke is exciting. It almost feels like suffocating.

3. Conservative Republicans are a great audience. While most comics complain about crowds full of republicans I love ‘em. Why?

Because Republicans can take a joke.

Twice.

Badum bum Tssssssshhhhhhhh! YES!

I actually used that one on them too. They continued to stare. I then made fun of retarded kids, birth control and abortion. At that point it was for my entertainment only. I had a blast. Plus the few chuckles I got out of them were the most that night I believe.

Actually I’m going to go back. I think the tiny audience- where they don’t have the anonymity they enjoy in the larger venues- that’s great training for a comic. If I can win them over & convince them to laugh- I can own a large crowd.

If you write a blog, don’t ever post about how sorry you are that you haven’t blogged lately. People aren’t angry at you. The worst they’ll do is stop reading what you post. Of course, I’m good. I could understand how people might feel a deep emptiness when I fail to post- that’s why you can dig thru the rich bounty of my archives.

Seeing so many of these apologies on the web lately inspired me to pull this one out and dust it off…

Originally posted June 29, 2004:

It’s funny. I have a lot going on lately, but I haven’t been hitting the blog. It’s like a friend I’m not really avoiding, but when I see them out-and-about while I’m getting errands done I feel a bit guilty ’cause I haven’t called.

BLOG: Ed!
ED: (feigning surprise) Oh, heeeeeey- Blog!

*awkward silence* (this space would be filled with some emotional song if my life was a teen drama)

ED: wow. soooo… what have you been doing lately?
BLOG: Not much. (meaning not much since I’m used to doing stuff with you) How’s Heidi?
ED: Nauseous. (holds hands on stomach) You know she’s pregnant right?
BLOG: What? Congratulations!!!! (added excitement meant to twist the knife of guilt further in my gut since I didn’t tell him) well, I heard- that’s just amazing.
ED: You know I’ve been really busy lately.

(conversation stops. very awkward silence since that statement was totally unprovoked. so i continue)

ED: Yeah, whew! It’s just been work, and Heidi throwing up and school- well, not this summer but I’ve been thinking about it a lot and sheesh, just a whirlwind.
BLOG: Yeah.
ED: Wrrrrrrrrr (makes fake whirlwind with hands and sound effects. lame laugh)
BLOG: Well cool, hey I gotta pick up come dandruff shampoo.
ED: Hey it was cool seeing you.
BLOG: Yeah.
ED: I’ll call.

When we last left our hero (and his various bodyparts) he was trapped high in his office building in an elevator filled with a FART- a fart he was somehow responsible for! Dun dun dunnnnnn… AND theres more! The elevator is coming to a stop ON THE NINTH FLOOR!!!!! (dramatic organ music)

We return to the elevator- a scene of utter chaos.

(FLOOR 9) (Sudden stop- ding)

MIND: We’re stopping! What do we do?

EARS: I told you! I told you!

FACE: Happy place happy place…

NOSE: I’m burrrrrrrning!

MOUTH: Not to worry men! I’ll get us out of this!

EARS: Not again-

EYES: Oh CRAP!

BUTT: What?

EVERYONE: NOT YOU!!!!

MOUTH: I think I can blow us out of this mess!

MIND: I know there’s a joke there…

LEFT HAND: I’m with you Mouth- I’ll wave the smell around!

LEGS: We can hop around or something!

RIGHT HAND: You can count on my steel!

EARS: What?!?

RIGHT HAND: It seemed cool before i said it.

NOSE: Dammit Hand- I thought you were going to close me up!

LEFT HAND: That’s enough out of you woman!

NOSE: I hate you.

MOUTH: (bweeeew bweeeeeeew)

NOSE: Pathetic.

MOUTH: I’ve almost got it! (bweeeeeewwwwwww)

MIND: Dude, I’m going to pass out!

EARS: Mouth is going off again- stop him!

MOUTH: (bweeew bweew) Just one more! (bweeeee- CLAP!)

LEFT HAND: Enough, son.

MOUTH: Mmmpppuummph!

LEFT HAND: Are you cool?

MOUTH: MMMMMmmmmmHHH!!!

LEFT HAND: I SAID are you COOL?

MOUTH: mm hm.

LEFT HAND: Alright. (releases grip)

EARS: Holy crap! The door- we forgot about the door!

MIND: Eyes! Open up!

EYES: No

MIND: DO IT!

EYES: I’m afraid.

NOSE: I CAN’T TAKE IT! SOMEONE HANDLE EYES!

HEART: I think we all know he’s right- we must face the music.

EARS: Helooooo- my department.

EYES: Okkkaaayyy… but.

MOUTH: (gasp!)

EYES: Dear. Sweet. Lord.

NOSE: What!?!? What is it!

EYES: Nothing-

MIND: My God, man. You’re right. There’s no one there!

RIGHT HAND: High Five!!!!!! Eh? Eh?

LEFT HAND: You are so retarded.

(DOORS CLOSE ELEVATOR STARTS BACK UP)

STOMACHE: Gurgle

BUTT: Um, guys?

TO BE CONTINUED!!!