Just what is a daddy blogger, friends?

In order to be one must you simply just have kids? Or must you also suck? Many a blogger abhors the day they’ll become a parent, and subsequently have to start writing about poopy diapers and soccer matches.

Along with the recent addition of my little bundle of perfection, edadkins.com has been hounded with inquiries as to the future direction of the blog. The NYT, the Observer, Wall Street Journal- all of these publications have quite possibly been trying to call me to find out. People have quit their jobs, left their families, camped outside my doorstep- all to get an answer. An answer to a question that just might redefine why we even have an internets.

The question, “so, now that you have a kid are you gonna become a daddy blogger, or what?”

That is an ignorant question. I most certainly will not.

Or maybe I will.

The definition of “daddy blogger” is awfully loose. Look it up, see? No one really knows what it is. Many parent bloggers get a bad rap because (1.) they can’t write for crap and (2.) regardless of how dull and pointless their ramblings are, other parents flock to their site like it’s a new fad diet and they get all the awards for “most humorous blog” when everyone knows I should win. Serious. The vast majority of Mommy and Daddy blogs read like scripts for Full House.

On one hand, I will be a daddy blogger. How could I not? My child is more beautiful and wonderful than any kid you could possibly ever have. I understand that becoming a daddy blogger could someday land me in the crosshairs of certain bloggers (mango, copygod, fat guy). I don’t sweat it.

On the other hand, having a child will not curb my acerbic wit. On the contrary, you’ll still catch me saying stuff like, “after watching the Grammy’s pre-show, I know I’m not the only one hoping Star Jones ends up on an Iraqi beheading video.”

So yes, I have joined the ranks of the daddy bloggers. I may someday be counted among the legendary heavy hitters like Zeroboss, Genuine and Dooce. I just might even end up rich and famous, with my face adorning everything from cereal boxes to underoos. BUT fear not, gentle readers, for edadkins.com will always be your intelligent source for offensive, immature, and useless banter. Just now with more poopy.

Since the request lines have been ringing off the hook for pics of our bundle of joy- here you go you vultures. I’ve put a couple dozen more photos in her gallery.

Paige: The First Week.

Ok so I just read that someone who wanted a bunch of celebrity phone numbers went throught the trouble of hacking into Paris Hilton’s Sidekick (seen via Tom Green’s boring blog).

Hacking seems like an awful lot of trouble, don’t you think? It really can’t be that hard to get inside Nicole Richie.

Constantine

Three out of five if you’ve read the comic.

3.5 if you haven’t.

Of course I always bring a flask of whiskey since there’s NO way I’m paying 8.50 for less than 4 stars- and 5 oz. of jack always adds a star.

They did a good job capturing the mood of Hellblazer. That’s about it.

Unfortunately the mood can’t carry two-plus hours… or make up for the fact that Keanu couldn’t even attempt a British accent- he used his first chance up on Gary Oldman’s Dracula.

Ultimately what they failed in is what the comics always got right. they didn’t tell a good story. Luckily I had Mr. Daniel’s to make up for that- I just paid attention to the pretty pictures and the explosions and stuff.

See it at your own risk. I’d say it’s worth it as a matinee. Otherwise go read a great Constantine tale they loosely based it on. It kicks way, way, way more ass than Hollywood was apparently ready to.

Paige Elizabeth Adkins. Check out her arrival in the photo gallery.

Her name is Paige Elizabeth Adkins.
she was born at 4:48AM.
she’s 7lbs 7oz
she’s 21 inches
and she’s perfect.

im watching heidi sleep as we wait for the DR. come & break her water. it’s 3AM and we’ve been here since 9PM.

even tho we’ve been thru so much it feels much earlier.

this is so amazing.

“you can’t explain how bad it hurts. you can’t even breath”

they attempted another epidural right b/f the anesthesiologist went into surgery.

jackpot.

heidi and baby are progressing fine. the lady next door wasn’t so lucky- she’s screaming like a stuck pig.

in a minute they’re gonna break heidi’s water!

thinking of having kids? heidi says adopt.

the epidural didn’t work. pain. lots of pain.

heidi is at 7cm! shes doing really well considering she’s at the “gimmie some effen drugs!” stage.

“Honey I promise- we’ll never have sex again.”

Contractions have been getting closer, we’re headed in to the hospital!

Well, we still haven’t gone in b/c the contractions aren’t close enough yet. They are tough tho- real painful. I have to apply pressure to her back, she thinks shes going to have back labor.

Heidi’s doing well tho. They hurt but she’s really excited. Got her propped up on the couch watching Rachael Ray (the 30 minute meal chick).

Bebbeh’s knockin’ she’s gonna come out.

Well, folks- it looks as if it’s showtime!

Heidi’s contractions have become real doosies- and they’re pretty close. We’ll be heading into the hospital in a few.

Thru the miracle of my kyocera 7135 I’ll actually attempt blogging it (whenever i get a chance). Keep you posted.

Heidi is the most beautiful pregnant woman.

I feel bad for guys who don’t think their women look sexy pregnant- they’re really missing out. In the last nine months, she has been more beautiful than ever. More sexy, more glowing, more woman.

First off- making a baby is a miracle. The fact that her body could even prepare itself to knit together our child, that’s amazing. As her cute little tummy has grown, our baby has become more and more of a reality. And as much as I loved her nine months ago, I love her twice as much now- she’s my two favorite people.

Kicks are flat out amazing things to feel.

Of course there was the puking. And puking and puking. I felt really bad cause that first trimester is tough. But men, when do you get such a chance to really feel like you’re taking care of your woman? I don’t know about you, but this made me finally start pulling my load around the house- and now I feel like superhusband. Anything that makes you feel like the man should make you love her more.

Now when your lady starts creating your future inside her, there’s gonna be some changes. If you see those changes as a downer- well then you are an idiot. The curves just get curvier. The cuddles just get cuddlier. Enjoy this time. You have a chance to make her feel the most beautiful she’s ever been. It has it’s rewards.

Bunny, I know you want this baby out- you’re ripe. I know it’s been tough on you. But the last nine months have been the best thing we’ve ever experienced and I am so proud of you and in love with you and in awe of you.

I can’t wait to welcome our baby into the world. Whether it happens today, tomorrow or Valentines Day. I love you and we’re gonna have the best time of our lives raising Paige. She’s going to want to be just like you- strong, funny, smart, goofy, with a capacity to care for people like I’ve never seen. And if she’s lucky enough that your genes cancel mine, she’ll be drop-dead gorgeous just like her mommy.

New developments in the Sherry Enema case (previous mention: liquor in the front), and believe me you don’t want to miss’em.

God bless Tammy Jean Warner, the wife suspected of administering the lethal poop-chute coctail- for out of her mouth has come one of the most amazing quotes of the year:

“That’s the way he went out and I’m sure that’s the way he wanted to go out because he loved his enemas,”

Not to worry tho, she keeps going.

“It all started back when he was a child,” Mrs. Warner explained. “His mother used to give him enemas all the time, and he started to depend on them.”

“He did coffee enemas, he did Castile soap, Ivory soap,” she said. “He had enema recipes.”

Recipes. Nice. If she doesn’t become a celebrity after this, then there is no justice in the world. At the very least we need to see her on the daily show.

On the phone with my stepmom last night, driving home…

STEPMOM: So you guys getting excited?

ED: Holy crap yes. We can’t wait to see the baby.

STEPMOM: How is Heidi feeling? She OK?

ED: Yeah. She just wants the baby out tho.

STEPMOM: Yeah the last month is like that.

ED: YOU STUPID FAT WHORE!

STEPMOM: …

ED: LET ME IN WHORE! LET ME IN! WHAT THE HELL?

STEPMOM: eh…

ED: I’m sorry- there’s an accident ahead in my lane and this chick won’t let me in. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

STEPMOM: No problem. I live with your father.

STEPMOM: (to father) Your son is calling a woman a whore because she won’t let him in her lane.

ED: A fat whore.

STEPMOM: (to father) a fat whore.

ED: It’s different.

FATHER: (in background) That’s my boy!

STEPMOM: You father usually uses a complex system of profanities, gestures and The Stare.

ED: OMG I love his stare- I do it perfect. I even get people in the car to do it in unison as we drive past bad drivers.

STEPMOM: You guys…

ED: There’s the pissed off “hit you in the face with a shovel” stare and of course the slight head-shake in disbelief stare- that one is powerful- i kind of feel bad when i use it sometimes.

STEPMOM: ha.

ED: I don’t even have the window down- this is more for me tho- catharsis.

ED: She is a beastly thing tho- she’s huge- she’s pressed against both front windows of her little Geo Metro. I guess given that it’s doubtful she’s a real whore.

STEPMOM: OMG.

ED: (to lady) I hope you can lip-read you spiteful pig-thing- cause I’m passing you poor overworked car.

ED: Hey you guys have a great night- we’ll call you when Heidi goes into labor.

STEPMOM: Love you guys- bye.

So far the manliness awards for 2005 have found their first nominees:

Crabs, Lobsters and Worms.

Study finds that worms don’t feel pain on fishhooks and crabs/lobsters don’t when you boil them.

First off, you have to be impressed. They’re so freakin hard core that you can impale them and they scoff.

You can BOIL THEM ALIVE and they’re all, “ppfffttttttt- you heat water like a sissy. call me when you get a real stove.”

The study also reported that some of the test lobsters actually managed to jump free of the boiling water, smack the cook unconscious with his own tongs, make several peak hour calls on their cell phone and steal their car.

Actually this is a huge relief for me. In recent years both the boiling alive of delicious crabs and the impaling of worms to catch fish have given me pangs of guilt. And talk about timing, Heidi just won us a couple (50 buck) tickets to this HUGE crab fest Thursday. Hello!

News so awful people you’ll find yourself saying, “awww come on- why couldn’t it just be another tsunami!”

Michael Mann set to make a Miami Vice movie staring Colin Farrell and Jaime Foxx.

2005 is shaping up to be the most pee-pee-in-your-pants amazing year of my life, I have decided that some changes are in order.

This year I’ll become a daddy. Actually in about 6 days or so. This by far will be the most fulfilling and challenging and amazing experience I can imagine.

This year semester I’m also finish my MBA.

I’ve got a TON of projects going on too.

• An internet comic about… you’ll see

• A business blogging website (finally a place i can sound smart)
• A sketch comedy video
• Some mini-books I think’ll be hilarious
• ANOTHER web design. I just got the Macromedia MX suite and the Adobe Creative suite. I need to change the form of this site- I want a forum where I can be funny, but serious too. Somewhere I can drop science on favorite farts, but on the trade deficit as well. My current strategy for this site doesn’t really allow it.
• Plus this year I’m planning on going all-out with my standup act.

So you see, along with my professional career, homelife and goals I haven’t left much room for slacking off.

SO I’ve made some changes:

• No more T.V. during the week: This will be possible thru the magic of our new DVR.

• Waking Up Early: From now on- no sleeping in at all. The baby I’m sure will be a help.
• Crystal Methamphetamine: This will be required in massive doses for my new fast-paced schedule. It worked great for Alex in that one episode of Family Ties. If I can’t score any high-grade I could always just crush up some Trimspa- i’ve heard its just a mix of meth, battery acid and tang.

Some of my agenda I’m already working on, and I won’t fall over dead if I don’t get it all done before 01/01/06, but I do want to give it all a shot this year. We’ll see.

Just in case you had a shred of respect left for Mikey Moore:

Moore Digs at Gibson
3 February 2005 (WENN)

Oscar-winner Michael Moore has taken a veiled swipe at Mel Gibson’s controversial movie The Passion Of The Christ – his revenge after Gibson refused to back Fahrenheit 9/11. Moore was disappointed when the Australian heart-throb actor pulled out his financial backing of his expose of George W. Bush’s regime and his reaction to the September 11 terrorist attacks. The Braveheart star then refused to join Moore for a joint discussion with Time Magazine’s editors, who were considering them for a joint Man Of The Year award last year. On the subject of Gibson’s biblical opus, Moore tells Vanity Fair, “If I were to make a movie, it would be about turning the other cheek… And the meek shall inherit the earth.” Moore added he was disturbed at, “How easily the vulnerable can be manipulated, twisted by images on the screen.”

Mr. Moore, I used to like you during the “TV Nation” days, back when you were David vs. Goliath. But the problem is you have now become Goliath- and I’m just waiting for a new David.

Found via Pete.