There is an effect. A tremor within ones soul which can only be brought on by a life and death situation. It is when we are occasionally confronted by our own mortality that life truly finds meaning.

Just as many of you readers have certainly encountered in the last few weeks, I too have felt a stirring from deep, deep within me while watching the recent television coverage of the Schiavo case. Of course, I believe it was a quarter-pounder that had been lodged in my colon for the better part of the week.

With that load off my chest (end horrible image) I’ve been consumed lately with the idea that I too could at any moment I may be rendered a zucchini by a massive physical trauma. And imagining myself in that tender state, I keep trying to answer one question: “would Heidi still love me if I was basically reduced to a permanent Jell-O mold?”

So I test her. Most of the time she’ll come out of the shower, and there I am sprawled out in front of her dresser, clutching my heart and drooling up a storm. Occasionally when I’m really into it I’ll pretend to follow a balloon as it floats overhead or even duct-tape a garden hose to my belly. Does it even faze her? She merely steps over me and proceeds to put on her makeup.

Cold. So I guess if I want to stay married I better eat healthy and watch my cholesterol.

Could

Matthew

McConaughey

Be the next

Laura Croft?

One of the most pretentious things I see is when people put up “If you like this blog, then you can thank me by sending me $$$ or buying me stuff!” *Mmmmmmpulch*. Thank you??!? Blogging is a desperate cry for attention, not some favor we’re doing. As soon as I see some hack no-talent writer pop that up on their blog I start hoping their keyboard gives them leprosy. If anything, you do ME a favor by stopping by every once in a while and feeding this pathetic addiction. I should be buying YOU stuff. Of course I should do a lot of things.

BUT, there are times when people are in need- and that is a different story. When a friend is in need, it’s important that they voice it. Zeroboss is asking for donations for a legal fund for some sort of crisis his family is going through right now. It’s not a prank or an experiment, it’s a plea. If you know him or read his blog then you may want to head over and donate.

Here’s the link: Zeroboss.

.. is an empty bowl of pho.

Last night NBC in all it’s brash confidence decided, like so many of history’s serial killers and horse whisperers, to tread the thin line between genius and infamy- and millions of lives hung in the balance. Last night they attempted to remake the glorious beacon of comedy that is The Office. It was a terrifying and nerve wracking night, waiting for it to premiere. It was like someone attempting an extreme makeover on my baby. She doesn’t need it in the first place, there’s no way you could make her better, so really I’m just waiting to see what kind of horrible monstrosity you’ve turned her into.

The only way I could handle the wait was by dulling my nerves with massive amounts of nigiri and sake at our favorite sushi joint.

So with the thick smell of raw salmon and seaweed on my breath, and a generous amount of cold sweat on my brow, I forced myself to watch. and below- for you, gentle reader- are my humble thoughts.

WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY BABY: Ed’s guide to the US version of the office.

The BBC version of the Office. The single most perfect comedic presentation ever to be filmed. Ever.	The USA version of The Office. A fresh new take on an old favorite, or a sick twisted bastardization, savagely raping the beloved original? Let’s see.
Brent Rude, ridiculous, awkward and totally self-absorbed. He’s got management written all over him.	Michael Inept? Yes. As strong of a character as Brent? Notsomuch.
Tim A slacker’s slacker. Tim lives with his parents but he’s still the man.	Jim It’s good to see they went through the trouble of changing the first letter of his name.
Gareth The embodiment of all things evil in your office. Rule-addict, power-hungry, and pathetic.	Dwight A poor-man’s Gareth. He just might break this show.
Dawn She’s got a lame boss and a lame boyfriend. We all want to see her with Tim.	Pam Snore. Who wants to sexually harass someone who belongs selling country crafts at the flea market?

In my opinion, the premier of The Office showcased an OK remake of an incredible show. First off I don’t even know why we try this crap anyway. Whenever we Americanize British shows we make a strong case for another terrorist attack. The American version of “Coupling” was a miserable failure. With Kingdom Hospital we took a masterpiece, handed it to Stephen King, and allowed him and a bunch of network producers to totally gangbang it in front of the nation- thankfully no one tuned in anyway. I think everyone involved in filming it were forced to move to Canada.

As for last night’s premier, it’s alright. As long as you forget you ever saw the original- which is very hard since almost nothing in the episode was new. Also, don’t look for the subtlety of the original- jokes that were hinted at in the BBC version have to be spoon fed in the US (the racial jokes, the jello-encased office supplies)

Bottom line: I’ll watch a few more episodes and see if it gets better. I wish they had come up with all new characters and given the US Office its own identity. This would have even opened up the possibility of a crossover episode in the future if it’s a hit, and would have avoided the distraction of comparing it to its superior predecessor.

Of course, some people (jerz) shouldn’t worry because they have such a hard time distinguishing solid intelligent humor and friends reruns.

Every time i learn a new tidbit about:

• The Jackson Trial

• Terri Schiavo
• Paris Hilton
• American Idol
• Podcasting, blogging, or RSS
• Lil Kim or Courtney Love
• Britney Spears or Ashton Kutcher or Carrot Top

I hate myself a little more. It may be time to just dump cable altogether.

Since I don’t have any time to come up with my own totally inappropriate comment regarding Terri Schiavo, I present you three wonderfully horrible posts others have lovingly crafted.

Chopping Block: If you only have time to read one serial killer single-panel comic discussing the Schaivo case this year- make it CB.

Get Your War On: Always a winner, they tactfully dissect the heart of the issue. Feh.

Murphman: One from his vault- he wrote this the last time her tube was wrenched from her- and then reinserted as a result of an act of Jeb.

A lot of people have been drawn into this story as of late. People are clamoring about, insisting that they know what is right or wrong for the poor woman and her family.

I don’t know. I know that there’s a lot of religious people saying her parents should decide. But their text is pretty clear that once a woman or man get married that they are closer to their spouse than their parents. A lot of people are pissed that she’s being kept alive even though there’s others who say there’s proof that she reacts to stimuli- even laughs. Then there’s the accusations that her husband isn’t looking out for her interests, but instead his bank account. And there’s a whole buch just mad b/c the federal government is overstepping it’s bounds.

Personally, I believe I shouldn’t involve myself in this one way or another. My mother taught me to never play with vegatables.

Out to breakfast- she’s a doll.

Watch me totally kick the crap out of one of my best friends.

Ed Vs Jason

I finished with the green beer at work. Now i’m getting a head start on Cinco De Mayo.

So i guess there’s this company who will send you their product as long as you link to them on your site (as seen on the zeroboss).

So i figure, hey- I have a site- I could link to them and get my hands on some of this fine product. Never the one to miss out on a chance to whore myself here at EADC, here goes:

STeamy dog droppings.

There you go, now send me stuff. I believe I’ve earned the sampler, thank you.

Update: They sent the tea!!!

Captions people. (this IS Paige btw)

I was so inspired by peskyapostrophe’s recap of tonite’s american idle that I decided to write my own.

Actually Heidi has been making me watch it and the only way to redeem myself is to rip it to shreds.

Actually I’m gay now. That’s why I watched ameriKan idol.

Whatever. I don’t care what you think.

So, i didn’t see the beginning of the show because we got into a little tiff. we’re kind of on edge now that we get no sleep and want to die. I wake up three times a night to change Paige- which is pretty much like disarming a time bomb since she’s gotten into the habit of launching mortar attacks of hot mustard right in the middle of the act. Heidi meanwhile resents being relegated to the position of milk cow.

So fast-forward to the great emasculation of watching America’s youth compete to enter the mediocre world of pop music.

The first one I remember was the chick from the nanny. I won’t be mean to her since she’s got about 2 more shows in her- max. But her accent belongs in an old navy commercial- it needs to fall down a well.

The next i think was Constantine. His second little chin mocks us all. the best sound he could possibly emit would be the gentle ting from an aluminum bat to the back of his head. Next time you see him jus try not to think smeegle.

By the way, Seacrest is another candidate for an Iraqi beheading video. Have he and Carson daily eloped yet?

There was that one little Benny Hill version of clay akin. Again I’ll pass.

There’s a black girl who sounds good but she won’t win b/c she looks too much like Justin from the 1st season.

Bo is great. That’s all I’m gonna say about him. Now, I’m not saying I’d have his babies or anything but the man is on like Donkey Kong. Don’t look at me.

What happened to Paula Abdul? Did she get old last week?

Pesky by the way lost a lot of cool points with me. She dissed both Spinning Wheel AND You Make Me So Very Happy. That’s unforgivable. Both songs are on heavy rotation whenever I Karaoke. You keep on this track and you’re dead to me Peske.

Well now, I’m glad I got that all out of my system. if i said it in front of Heidi I’d be wearing my colon around my neck. i do hope it helped anyone catch up who may have missed tonites episode.

Martha Stewart was found guilty, right? She served time for breaking the law. But no matter how obvious her quilt might have been or how fitting the punishment, she’s treated like a martyr- even a hero.

Save Martha
Martha Talks

She came home from prison to one of the most over-valued stocks on the market. Every day on the news you see everyone from Rosie O’Donnell to local housewives proclaiming her to be a martyr.

Which brings me to the real significance of the whole ordeal:

Who would have thought that of all people, Martha Stewart would be the one who finally bridged the gap between middle-aged white women and the black community?

She’s the soccer-mom’s O.J.

It doesn’t matter if she did it. It doesn’t matter if she’s guilty. They relate to her & stand by her. I’m surprised we never saw parades of stay-at-home moms headed up by Regis and Kathy Lee, calling for riots in New Hampshire unless she got off.

Martha Stewart- making connections and breaking down the barriers which divide America.

Uh oh- now I’m mobile.

Question: Are you terrified enough to make sure your family is protected? The Ad Council wants to know.

In an effort to further justify the need for homeland security, the Ad Council has sacrificed a rotation of their popular Arbor Day commercials to air a campaign that had i not just gotten a DVR could have possibly convinced me to stop watching television completely.

I know I’m not the only one who gets pissed when these things air.

You’ve seen it. There’s the little girl eating cereal, asking you, “what do I do mommy? do you have a plan for when the Shiites send a car bomb to my elementary school?” It would serve better as an anti-choking campaign since it’s induced vomiting in more than one occasion at my house.

Now, I’m all for preparedness, serious. I (this is no exaggeration) have at least one zombie attack dream a week. And 9 out of 10 times when my mind goes idle I begin strengthening my escape plan for when the undead rise. But, dammit, I know the difference between a PSA and a scare tactic.

Just how many Americans die each year from terrorist attacks? Granted, 9/11 is not to be discounted, but it was an incident- not a trend. And I know that the threat is still out there, BUT this girl is evil. She’s not there to get me prepared, she’s there to keep the fear of terrorism alive because the frickin RAINBOW of DEATH isn’t doing the trick anymore.

Lots of people die of smoking. Lots of people die of crib death. Lots of people die in car accidents and heart attacks. Do that many attacks happen each year that it would seriously make a difference if my family had an escape plan? LOTS of people have been dying in an unpopular, poorly planned, possibly illegal war- if only there was a way to prepare for THAT.

If I had the time I’d root around and find out if there’s an explanation for this. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out the whole campaign was actually being funded by the manufacturers of duct tape and canned goods.

Of course now that I’ve said all this we all know what’s going to happen. Al Qaeda is totally going to blow up a dirty bomb right on my porch- and I have no plan. How embarrassing will that be?

I just had a heart attack. And an aneurism. Followed by a really intense sneeze.

The news I just read will undoubtedly lose me a few readers, as they will die of ecstasy upon reading it. That’s a fine way to lose readership, if you ask me. Better this than meet the business end of an aids infected soup spoon.

Anyway, back to news. I’m serious- your kids are going to ask you where you were when you found out about this. That is, assuming you don’t go sterile upon reading it.

Quentin Tarantino is in final negotiations to write and direct the Ultimate Jason Voorhees Movie, an all new Friday the 13th for New Line.

Wipe the coffee off the monitor and put on a new pair of pants. Call your loved ones. Do what you must. Basically this alone is the reason I won’t ask to be pulled off life support if a runaway city bus renders me a vegetable. If there’s even a sliver of a chance I could wake up enough to catch a glimpse of this movie, I don’t care if I’m left pooping involuntarily in a ziplock bag or requiring the use of an iron lung. If made, this movie will be the only true miracle most of us ever see.

It’s the best news I’ve ever heard, and the only sadness I feel now is that for the rest of my life nothing I ever read or hear will ever compare. At 28, I’ve peaked.

My guess is that people will respond to this movie much like they did “the Passion.” Across the world people will be compelled to confess to crimes, find faith, and you can bet at least in the third world movie-plexes we’re gonna see people healed.

Oh well, try and focus on your boring pathetic lives for now. Even though it will be near impossible to think of anything else until the movie airs, you now have a glorious shining reason to go on in this dark world.

We’ve all been there- you wake up one day and realize your life needs a major change of direction. Whether it’s “you know, I think I’d get more attention as a redhead,” or “This time I’m really gonna leave the cult.” It’s universal.

As for my situation, I have this lethally adorable baby at home.

And coincidentally no time to do get all my big plans done.

I need to find a way to stay home all day with my baby and still make tons and tons of money. And I still haven’t been offered a movie gig or late-night talk show. Ridiculous, I know.

So I’ve been trying to come up with a new career that would offer such an environment. It’s gotta be a high-growth industry with plenty of chance for advancement and innovation.

Right now I’m leaning heavily towards mail fraud. Anyone wanna pair up?

sarcasOmatic: mic check

namewithheld: wud up?

sarcasOmatic: mic mi mic check

sarcasOmatic: microphone checka

sarcasOmatic: checkity checkity check

namewithheld: Is this thing on?

sarcasOmatic: wicky wicki wicki scrrrrrrrch

sarcasOmatic: check

sarcasOmatic: dont mind that guy

sarcasOmatic: hes my new dj

namewithheld: You’re retarded

If you’re not watching Robot Chicken, well… there’s really not much I can do for you.

I just laughed at a 60 second segment of nothing but action figures getting hit in the crotch.

…

Know what?

All that jealousy looks really unatractive.

Also I really feel like the whole blogosphere dropped the ball on the whole Lionel-Richie-Video/Starburst comercial. The thing is pure genius and yet still it flies under the radar.