As much as I wish I were on my way to Satan’s Toaster Oven (or as some like to call it, the Coachella Music Festival) alas, I must stay in Reno this weekend. Sacrifices must be made when you are a father.

True, there’s something magical about waking at 7AM to a 120 degree tent you passed out in at 5AM with your best friend and an empty fifth of whiskey. Yes, and then there’s the draw of the Mad-Max-like treeless landscape that offers you no hint of shade. Let’s not forget the 100,000 smelly pissed off rude dehydrated patrons pressed up against you while you fight to stay concious enough to hear Beck over the Techno tent blaring away next door.

Ahhhhhh the memories. Like the gestapo table at the entrance of the concentration camp they called a campground where all your stuff bakes all day in your tent.

The three dollar bottles of water.

Most of the time my enjoyment came from knowing i had survived.

At times I thought they might as well call the main stage the Thunderdome.

Of course you do get to see a lot of great bands.

BUT…

If I had the cash, I’d much rather be heading to Lawrence, Kansas for the Wakarusa Music Festival this year.

Great weather. Lots of trees. Water. And awesome music.

Wilco, Son Volt, Carbon Leaf, Ozomatli, Robert Bradley’s Blackwater Surprise, Neco Case…

And did I mention no Emo?

I would give my left ventricle to go to that.

If you still haven’t settled on a graduation present for your favorite smartass darkly comical semi daddy-blogger, I just made it a lot easier.

If you live in Reno, and you have ears (and even marginal taste in music) then of course it is a given that the following lineup will make you crap your pants explosively.

Wednesday June 1st at the Reno Hilton:

Queens of the Stone Age

and

Eagles of Death Metal

If you’re interested in rolling with the ed adkins posse let me know.

Also, huge graduation party on Friday May 13th. Massive. Holla if you want to join in the revelry.

Last night was my last night of class for my MBA.

The last class I will ever, ever take.

I don’t want to learn anything. ever. again.

Not even in conversations. Hell, from now on I’m not gonna even learn names- the people I meet will be required to carry little chalkboards with their names on them, which they will present whenever I must address them.

My last class ever went out with a bang.

I had to negotiate a deal on behalf of my section of the class which involved keeping a corporation out of bankruptcy and absolving the owner of personal liability for some shady and stupid business deals. it was the final class and my turn to show off my skills- see, I’m a bit of a master debater.

And that my friends is precisely why I showed up, um, howyousay, three sheets to the wind. These kinds of deals require a precision which can only be attained after hours spent at the bar across from the business building. You have to be dedicated.

Not to fear tho- I was the ninja. I negotiated the crap out of that deal- whilst throwing out some of the most vulger and obnoxious jokes the MBA program will ever hear again I’m sure.

Afterwards it was back to the bar to celebrate my academic freedom.

It’s funny. All this schooling and I’m no more mature than I was in the 6th grade.

Best post written in anticipation of Star Wars Episode III: HOW TO MAKE A NERD’S ERECTION GO SOUTH. It’s on Tremble, the blog of Todd Levin, self described “professional word-putter-togetherer” and standup comedian. He starts off reminding us the tragedy that was Episode I:

…in all his grandstanding Lucas neglected to inform us that The Phantom Menace included a scene of a young (borderline retarded? macrocephalic?) boy dodging space meanies in his own stolen rocket ship, while gleefully shouting “Wheee!!!” and “Whoopee!” like he’d just discovered some Chicken Dunks® Lunchables® in his secret hidey hole. (I’m not even going to comment on JarJarGate or all the kikey shylock aliens. The hacks have already hacked those subjects to bits.)

Then, after the space dust settled, and everyone who didn’t share a brain with a conjoined twin declared Phantom Menace smellier than a seat cushion on a local Greyhound shuttling between Hobo Junction and Shitpants Valley, Lucas had the Death Star-sized balls (See how I did that???) to stand by his stink and declare that everyone in the world was dead-wrong, with the exception of Ching and Chang.

Next he targets Episode II:

…this movie was like the longest-running game of Turd Jenga. “Attack of the Clones?” That’s the best he could do? This movie cost $398 million and took three years to make. What an insulting title. He might as well have called it Episode II: Untitled Jimmy Smits Project. Or, if you were to believe the carefully spun press, Episode II: Yoda Fight!

Now with all the buzz surrounding Episode III, he puts our cautious optimism into perspective:

Does the American movie-going public have the same memory dysfunction as a housecat? Because Lucas has already been applying the full press, and staying on point with carefully released statements like, “this is a much darker, moodier film” and “this is the one we’ve all been waiting for” and “there is convincing evidence that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction-based programs.”

It’s a great read. Go check it out and mill around his older posts too- the guy is consistantly funny.

They really shouldn’t let me use craigslist. (link)

Brand New King Size Log Canopy Bed – Buy this now and say goodbye to lonely nights!

Fellas, your wife, girlfriend, or one-night-stand has ALWAYS wanted a canopy bed. I’m serious. Her whole life. Here’s your chance to get a BRAND NEW totally sweet log style (so it’s not all girly) canopy bed!

It’s huge, it’s super cool looking and its not too heavy or hard to put together.

Ladies, we both know you’ve always wanted a canopy bed. Buy this bed and you’ll have one. Simple.

People in Tahoe: here’s your chance to finally get the log furniture you need without paying the outrageously ridiculous Tahoe prices!!! How sweet is that?

This includes the frame only- not the matresses. It’s a king size bedframe. It has never been used at all and is in perfect condition.

* The seller cannot actually gaurantee that the buyer will get more action on this bed.

Here’s a pic from the manufacturer:

If you live in the Reno area and you’re interested, let me know.

If you must know, the blog and I aren’t hanging out much lately. True, I’ve been busy and I’ve pretty much quit blogging during the day, but the main reason is he’s an ass.

Yeah, the blog may seem really cool to you guys, but he’s a horrible friend. Last friday he went out with us and got completely ****faced. He was obnoxious- he usually is when he gets faded.

I guess I need to watch out for him, but he doesn’t listen. See, blog just likes to talk and get attention. And if he’s got a lot on his mind or having a bad week, don’t go drinking with him. The more he takes in the louder he gets, and then he starts making all these rude comments about people- eventually it takes its toll. Some stuff you can’t take back, even if you delete it and rebuild the page.

It’s bad enough he pretty much just talks about himself, or stupid internet stuff no one wants to hear. But then he starts bragging about he’s soooo much better than all the other blogs because he’s so smart and has such good writing and he’s ten times funnier than pretty much everyone.

Someone almost shut him up Friday night by asking him how much traffic he gets. They schooled him in front of everyone by saying he’s got like 10 readers and almost all his hits come from referral spam. But then he just blew it off and said it’s cause his humor is so good only really funny people understand it and just kept going…

The next stage he gets all depressed. He starts going through old posts and crying about all the comment spam he has to deal with. Blah blah blah.

He tried to start a fight with some washed up celebrity who didn’t even notice, and we ended up having to carry him out- it was totally embarrasing. On the way out he hit on Heidi so I kicked him in his junk and we both ended up getting tossed out. Then on the way home he puked in my car.

So he’s on my list. I think he can tell cause he hasn’t called me either. I’m actually posting this via email so I don’t have to talk to him directly.

If you see him, do me a favor and don’t say I talked to you about this- just let it blow over. The last thing I need right now is for him to get all pissy and start spreading rumors about me to all the other blogs. Just act like everyting’s normal, and for your own good if he asks you to go out just say you’re busy.

UPDATE: Ed is a total jerk- don’t listen to a word he says.

It’s april 15th and i work at an accounting firm.

that means 2 things.

1. i am on edge.

2. i am shlighltly inhebriated.

carry on.

That’s it. I’ve been avoiding this for too long. I can’t believe that someone who (1) cracked me up on many occasions (2) basically started the jackass craze and (3) looks remarkably like me has one of the all time worst blogs on the web.

You ramble on about boring mundane everyday crap like it’s interesting. You video taped your instant coffee ritual. You whine about criticism.

It’s amazing. You have no kids and yet somehow you qualify as a mommyblogger.

At first I just thought it was another joke. Like, “ha ha look at me- you’d expect my blog to be whacky crazy insane but I’m pretending to be boring! wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

No such luck.

Most of the time it’s “so, yesterday I took a train. the sun is really yellow today kids. I’m enjoying a great cup of instant coffee. sorry I didn’t post yesterday, lemme catch you up. i woke up, took a shower, ate food and skated with Tony Hawk. Then after I pooped I went to bed. See you tomorrow!”

Ugh.

Come on Tom, you owe us better. You owe me better- people always point at me and yell your name. And my blog kicks ass sometimes.

The first time I was going to sound off about the horrible awfulness of your site was when you were getting people to promote it by wearing homemade tom green t-shirts. Man, if you want promotion write well. Make us laugh. then you’ll get all kinds of traffic, and not just blurry pictures of soccer moms and star wars kids wearing crappy puffy paint t-shirts.

Now you’re getting all pissy about Martin Short, since he recently let everyone know you walked off that show where he was supposed to be a fat talk show host- because he hurt your feelings. You say you were upset because you thought martin went too far talking about your bout with testicular cancer- WHICH YOU DID A TV SPECIAL ABOUT.

This is coming from the guy who mimicked fellatio on a cow in a grocery store?

Who fashioned lawn ornaments of his parents engaging in various sex acts?

Who is ONLY KNOWN for doing the most ridiculous crap and making total fools out of people who never asked for it?

Comedian, make fun of thy self.

I’m sorry tom, but the joke is most certainly on you. The sad thing is you’re the one telling it. I can’t believe you could say the following :

The sad truth is. Martin Short hasn’t done anything funny since Ed Grimley. (he used to be on SNL) I find it sad, that someone who admittedly was once very funny, can become so mediocre and lame. I used to love the guy, cause he made funny faces and did some cool stuff thirty years ago. But now I just feel kinda sorry for him.

Tom. Tommyboy. Tom Ticky Tom tom. You know of course that with a couple minor changes that paragraph also describes you?

Then you have the nerve to attempt inciting some sad home-made t-shirt campaign against him? Come on- any real man in this day and age knows you settle a feud one way- through the medium of rap. Of course, its still unbelievable you’re even upset about someone MAKING A JOKE. What next? Anna Nicole Smith walks off the set of Stern because he didn’t treat her classy enough?

If you’re going to pollute the web with your thoughts, please shape up. Provide us something substantial. Give us some ha-has. Give us some insight. I had high hopes for your site. But in reality it’s comedic level lies somewhere between Campbell’s tomato soup ingredients and a watchtower article. Quit your pathetic juvenile boring crap and give us some pathetic juvenile funny crap before you’re completely forgotten.

First off, I love Jay Pinkerton. Not in a gay way, more in a prison bunkmate way. If we were bunkmates I’m sure we’d watch each others backs, and make sure no one made the other one their bitch. We’d probably have long, thoughtful strolls during our yard time where we’d dream up hilarious, yet thought provoking satire of American pop culture. And when one of us got paroled, we would hug in the completely heterosexual way that only two men who shared deep admiration for one another’s uncompromising integrity and talent could. Then we would kiss. But in the same completely non gay way that only two men who had been without the company of women for way too long could.

He’s brilliant. That’s why he’s an editor for national lampoon and I’m an underrated peon, lost in the cold dark abyss of the internet.

Anyway, I believe you’ll find if you head on over to his forums that he’s somehow captured all of our angst and frustration over the miserable failure Lucas has turned the star wars franchise into, found the humor just under the surface, flattened it out and wrapped it around a tasty egg mcmuffin. Head on over and enjoy. (Photoshop Fun: Star Wars VII-IX)

A short instructional exposition on how to make me depressed in one swift motion:

Tell me that the Hitchhiker’s Guide is going to suck.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy movie is an abomination. Whereas the radio show, TV show, books and computer game are all recognizably variations on a theme, this is something new and almost entirely unrelated. It’s not even a good film if viewed as an original work: the characters are unsympathetic, the cast exhibit no chemistry, the direction is pedestrian, the pace plodding, the special effects overpowering (lots and lots of special effects, none of them funny mind you) and above all the script is amazingly, mindbogglingly awful. Oh, and they have taken most of the jokes out.

You know, I was just telling someone last night that with Sin City and HHGG both coming out so close together I was starting to feel like I don’t deserve to be living in such an amazing time in history.

Hearing that it’s going to suck is like finally realizing Santa was a lie. You held on for so long trying to believe the impossible until reality finally twisted its trucker hat to the back and with one slow-motion strained yelp crushed your dream for good.

Wow- I don’t think I’ve ever been so proud of one of my analogies.

Anyway, at least this will serve to lower my expectations which is always a good thing.

Great. First the pope dies, now Santa.

(via yahoo)

I just put up a ton of pictures of Paige (pages 4-7) to satisfy the overwhelming requests. Click the picture.

She’s getting huge. That’s because she’s daddy’s little piglet. Be careful when you go check those pictures out though- the sheer power of her cuteness may be enough to explode your retinas. My suggestion- squint.

Nuthin’ like a good teeth cleaning, eh?

The gentle scraping of sharpened metal hooks against tender gums. Ahhhh the hauntingly familar taste of latex…

Dentistry HAD to have given birth to S&M. I’m pretty sure I saw that on A&E.

ED: Do you ever wish I was normal?

HEIDI: (pause) no, never.

ED: Hm. Yeah. That would suck so bad you’d want to die.

HEIDI: I don’t know if I’d go that far

ED: Admit it. If you had married [normal ex-boyfriend] you’d want to kill yourself. He’s totally normal.

HEIDI: Yeah.

ED: Of course I’d probably want to kill myself too, since I’d have to sleep with both you.

HEIDI: Retard.

Abu Ghraib Probe Suggests CIA Role in Iraqi Deaths (yahoo news)

I don’t know- the phrase “Abu Ghraib Probe” just seems to suggest more torture. For the sake of the poor souls who already went through so much I think they ought to consider changing the name.

I got the same creepy feeling every time they mentioned that they were probing Michael Jackson.

Kill Toby.

after all the hullabalo over save toby, i was wondering if there was a site to donate $$$ to kill him. thank you internet, you never let me down.

haven’t even looked into screwtoby.com, but if its out there i’m sure it’s worth checking out.

Robert Rodgriquez, if I wasn’t already married to the most perfect woman in all creation, with a baby so cute all who see her weep at her presence- then I swear I would turn gay and stalk you until you loved me the way I now love you.

Sin City was perfect. Every single frame. No one has ever before nor will anyone ever again be able to compare to the absolute perfection that Sin City is.

And don’t get me started about Frank Miller. He just touches comic books and they turn to gold. It’s rumored that if just his shadow falls upon you as he passes, you become a kickass superhero for a day. His level of genius was clearly not meant for this plane.

The bar has been raised. Finally, for the first time someone made a comic-based movie and did it EXACTLY as good as the source material. As soon as I knew that Rodriguez was helming it, and that he had miller along to make sure it was perfect (even if it got him kicked out of the director’s guild which is so cool) I’ve been fighting a constant 24 hour chub.

From what I hear, everyone involved in the Fantastic Four, Daredevil and Cat Woman are being rounded up and shot.

April fools day is a special day for Heidi and myself. No, not because we like to make funny. That can backfire sometimes friends. Wives, just remember- no matter what day it is, no husband can find the humor in being woken with the statement that the child isn’t his.

No, she didn’t do that. But I imagine it wouldn’t go over well. No, Heidi just opted to go with the old “wake up hon! it’s ten o’clock!” Then when I tried to counter with “well, fine you got me- well guess what? the child isn’t yours!” she totally didn’t get it.

Today is special because 3 years ago on this date I proposed to Heidi.

Best prank I ever pulled.

I’ll get around to the story in a bit.