Meteorologically, we kept it real, folks

because music festivals with good weather are for pussies.

Once again, Shugs and I brought with us to the festival the worst weather possible.

People were all “OMGWTF the hurricane is coming!” In reality, hurricane Rita would have brought sweet relief, but decided to pass us by. Tease. Instead of her promised thunderstorms, we sat in 106 degree heat and 7 thousand percent humidity.

By day it was way too hot and way too humid. Austin felt like Phoenix and Atlanta’s bastard lovechild. By night it was a scene out of thunderdome. Dust flying everywhere, people had odd bits of clothing tied around them to brave the elements- then there were the dudes in hockey masks, driving around in dune buggies firing shotguns in the air and stealing tankers of gasoline. And um, they sounded Australian.

It felt like basic training for hell.

I have now named Shugs and myself, “The Concert Goers of The Apocalypse.”

Next year I think we’ll bring the pox.

BUT… The music… was incredible.

Highlights:
Kasabian
Spoon
Steve Earle
Death Cab For Cutie
Rilo Kiley
Wilco
Thievery Corporation

Surprises:
Bloc Party
The Walkmen
The Decemberists
Doves

The after parties (smaller shows, intimate venues) actually make the festival, though. Thursday we saw Thievery Corp at Stubbs BarBQ. Awesome venue. Feels like a college party.

After the show we were getting tacos when a girl in front of us drunkenly blurted out “OMG that’s the ugliest shirt I’ve ever seen.”

Incidentally, I was wearing Heidi’s least favorite shirt- it has pineapples on it. That’s as much as you need to know.

I’d like to tell you that I immediately said “that’s funny, because you’re the prettiest dude I’ve seen.” and then got the crap kicked out of me by her boyfriend.

But it didn’t occur to me for a couple minutes- after I had wasted my retort on something forgettable and tame. While beer tends to increase the courage, it also slows the wit.

Friday we managed to weasel into the sold out Walkmen show at this little club called Parish. Before the show I was lukewarm on the Walkmen- I became a true believer. They brought it- even a bit edgier then their recorded stuff, and much edgier than their festival set. In their encore they started taking requests and belted out (I’m Not Your) Stepping Stone. I seriously contemplated moving to Austin.

Saturday I went back to Stubbs to see Wilco. a-maze-ZING. It’s taken me a while to warm up to wilco, being a devout Jay Farrar/Son Volt fan- gotta back up my boy. After Friday I decided Jay can fight his own battles. Wilco owned Stubbs and ACL.

Austin itself has a great scene. As far as the people the food and the businesses are concerned I can’t think of a better place to host ACL and SXSW.

But the weather I could do without. Walking around with a constant wedgie that feels like a soaked warm washcloth can tend to put a bit of a damper on things.

But of course next year I’m sure I’ll do it again.

Feeling left out of all the fun of the last hurricane, I’m headed to Texas for 4 days of alt-country PBS goodness at the Austin City Limits festival with my pal Shugs. For 3 days we’ll be in an ocean of beer, birkenstocks and trucker hats.

Your jealousy is ugly. Put it away.

I’m currently waiting out a layover in phoenix. I’m tempted to do another rant about how much I hate this place but i’m afraid i’ll end up with an entire city emailing me- I’ve heard their fans are insane.

Little travel tip. Don’t fly right afer cramming an entire season of Lost into 3 days. It taints the experience.

Even simple pleasures, like reading the skymall, or snorting heroin from a little baggy in the restroom have taken on this really creepy feeling.

Plus that much TV can makes my eyeballs feel like they just got back from spring break- all sunburned and sandy & sore from lifting their shirts for all those GGW videos. My eyeballs are such whores.

THIS IS THE MOVIE TOM GREEN DIDN’T WANT YOU TO SEE.

His melt-down CAUGHT ON CAMERA.

This is the movie that was TOO HOT for Tom’s blog.

SEE Tom get WORKED UP over a “HOMELY SMALL TIME BLOGGER”

WATCH IN HORROR as he is OVERCOME WITH RAGE!

CRINGE at how obvious it is that this man has NO IDEA WHAT HE IS DOING.

Watch it now, in it’s entirety- BEFORE IT’S TAKEN DOWN FOREVER.

He starts to say wordy dirds at the end too.

I have to admit, humble readers, earlier today I was beginning to ask myself, “Is it really worth it? Is the cause to which I’ve committed myself and my blog really worth the heartache?”

Sure, someone has to be the voice of truth. But why does it always have to be me?

I was in what your therapist might call “a dark place.”

And, as has happened during the darkest hours of so many of history’s greatest, most noble struggles- a ray of sunshine appeared to give me the courage to stay the course.

Screw it, Wil Wheaton emailed me and told me I’m his friggin hero.

Choke on that.

Ed,

As both a C-list actor and A-list blogger, I want you to know that you are my hero. I can’t believe that I just discovered your blog yesterday, thanks to Sean Bonner.

For reals, you rule.

Sincerely,

Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton likes what I have to say Tom. Who enjoys reading your site Tom? Oh yeah, they’re all over the comments in my previous posts- severely imbalanced shut-ins and a retarded kid with a terminal case of Tourettes. Seriously, your fanclub makes Selena’s look stable.

I’m sorry I can’t hear you Tom- what was that?

Homely little what? Home computer something something?

Every single one of you trolls and naysayers, unplug your keyboards and hang up your trollgear. I think I just got handed some serious street cred. And you got handed your nasty green troll asses.

Wil’s Site
Sean’s Site

Screw Metafilter- I got a mention on PeskeApostrophe!

Peske: Ed You Ignorant Slut

Sure we don’t always agree, but I Luuuuurrrrvvvee to read her opinions. Now, if we could just get a certain hollywood’s C-lister to become so enlightened…

Support keeps rolling in folks.

Well, mostly support and a few people calling me a douche.

Sean Bonner
OH SNAP! Tom Green Hates On Ed Adkins!!
and
Fun With Tom Green Fans Volume 2

blogging.la
Tom Green picks fight with entire blogosphere

Taste My Comedy
Who Is Tom Green?
and
Tom Greene Is Scared

Sledge
Tom Green Sucks.

Spelled Melk
Eddie Got Fingered

Mr. Jerz
Tom Green, Sacklicking Taintspanker

Mango
Eddie Would You Like Some Sausage?
and
Fascinating

Blogsoup
Blogs: Ed Adkins

Destroy All Celebs
Tom Green needs a cause.

Boys Wear Pants, Men Wear Trousers
Ed Adkins Really Knows How to Piss People Off Online

Metafilter via Tony Pierce
Never mind jumping the shark, has Tom Green lost it?

Blogebrity
Tom Green’s anti-blogger meltdown

UPDATE: Cruft joins the fray, begging Tom to admit fault!

(Also, if you’re new here, you might want to start with Greatest Hits. If you don’t like those posts, then the terrorists have already won.)

Do you have a blog?

DO you update it yourself?

Do you update this blog using your home computer?

Well then Tom Green thinks you’re lame.

As astute EADC reader Murph pointed out, nested within Tom’s retort to my April post, Tom Green gave us all a little peek into just how he feels about us “non-celebrity bloggers.”

Makes you wonder, don’t it? Just what is behind Tom’s contempt of my lovely little blog? Does he hate me because I called him out, or is it the case that Tom Green thinks he’s better than all of us?

That’s ugly Tom. Really ugly. I honestly can’t figure out how people can support someone who obviously looks down on them.

So we don’t have all the bling-bling.

We don’t buy our Chihuahuas diamond collars.

I’ll tell you what we do have, Tom. We have heart. And we have honesty. And we have the spirit, the blood and the sweat of the working men and women who built this country into what it is today.

You can’t buy that Mr. Green. Not with your fancy money, or your star power, or your lush, bristly, well-groomed facial hair.

Although, I must say- if you’re paying someone to run that site of yours, you were robbed. But then again I’m just some lowly non-celebrity who uses his own computer to run a much better blog.

…and he likes bears.

So people have been asking me about this feud between Tom and me. “What did he say?”

Well, I’d love to point you in the direciton of the video He made on friday, titled, “Ed You Bastard,” but he took that down. That was a pretty smart move on his part; he made so many mistakes on it he prooved my initial point ten-fold.

So before he removes the post where he made fun of me, I placed the post here, entitled, “You Know What, I Think We Need A Cause.” Here he pairs the equally importent fight to save Grizzly bears with the threat imposed by my post.

Now, I’m not one to throw a hissyfit over a few comments about me on the internet. That’s for A-list bloggers and C-List celebrities. It’s the emailing me near death threats- that was a campaign fomulated by one of his fans- on his website!

And what was Tom’s response to this email campaign? I Have absolutely no idea why, but he actualy makes some sick coorelation between bedding me and helping bears. You be the judge.

That is a sick man, ladies and gentlemen. A very sick man.

Oh man. This could very well be a case of the sequel being better than the first one.

So this represents the best of Tim Green’s fan base? So far they’ve wished me dead, wished my family members dead- but that is nothing compared to what they’ve done to civilized discourse. But fear not my friends, I didn’t shrink back. Below you will find some of the funniest, most horrible things I have said to anyone this week. Enjoy.

Warning: Naughty Words Ahead.

The first one is a second email from A. Reinhard, who I guess initiated this whole thing. From the look of it I’d say we’re cool now.

Amanda Reinhard
to me

What a pathetic excuse for a man you are. First of all using the word “kid” is vey presumptious on your end. I am 38 years old. I am very sure I made it clear in my previous post that YOU SUCK Sir, and I use that term in a very loose sense, not Tom. Apparently the only way you can feel good about yourself is by putting others down. I feel sorry for you and anyone who takes pleasure in reading your site. Do you not have anything worthwhile to say and do with your time in life? Cause this is SAD. So I will kindly request that YOU STOP SUCKING and find a worthwhile outlet for your energy. I will say a prayer for you and wish you luck in finding a better way in life.

Thank you for your time,
Amanda Reinhard

Ed Adkins
to Amanda

Mandi,

I bet Mr. Green is pretty flattered over your email campaign. Seriously. I bet he’s totally into 38 year old housewives.

And while appreciate your offer to pray for me- it may not be the best idea.

Chances are you get down on your knees and start thinking about me in all my studliness, and your mind’s bound to get filled with all kinds of naughtiness.

You could get struck down right then and there.

My advice- just stick to obsessing over big celebrities like Tim Green or whover he is.

Ed

This guy was brief, but still managed to give me something to work with.

John
to me

Never heard of you, good luck with that. No class is low class.

Ed Adkins
to John

Um. Actually no class would be no class. That’s less that low.

Se that?

No class = 0.
Low class > 0.

In the future this rhyme may help,

When I want to remember how much class is NO
I just rebemember little boys john buffam likes to bLOW.

See? That’s Easy, no?

Low?

The following one is one of my favorites, since I CONVERTED HIM! Take that Green! How many of my fans have you persuaded to join your rag tag team? Face!

aaron reinhard
to me

fuck you ed,

i think that you ruined my work day.

i hope your wife dies.

Ed Adkins
to aaron

statistically mr reinhard, eventually your wish will become a reality.

keep reaching for the stars.

Ed

aaron reinhard
to me

i must say, your comment in return was much better than mine

do you make a living doing this? if so… are you hiring ??

you could train me

I’m sorry this post is so long but come on, how could I leave this one out?

ur a (bloody)douschebag
Jake Snover
to me

i love it how u hate on tom green.. i noticed u have only 23000 hits on your website…thats funny bc tom gets half that many each day i also notice how u look and want to be like him, is it bc he had 2 shows on mtv and u didnt? i would like to talk to u on aim sometime so i can call u an asshole while u r reading please send someting back even if u r simply going to tell me to fuck off bc u have made a mortal enemy talking shit about a hero of mine

i could care less if u ate a shitty sandwhich and choked on the corn, burn in hell.

FUCK U ED!

Ed Adkins
to Jake

Jake,

I admire your culinary creativity!

Culinary means “of or relating to a kitchen or to cookery”. That’s in reference to your “shitty sandwich” comment.

Reference means “Significance in a specified context”

Signifigance means “A meaning that is expressed.”

While I always enjoy hearing from my fans, I must say It’s a special treat when I hear from someone like you, for whom English is their second or even third language.

My Instant message address is sarcasomatic. I’m sure I’ll find what you have to say informative, as well as intellectually stimulating,

Your American Friend,

Ed Adkins

I think I just may write a book on proper troll maintenance.

while you’re sending me hate mail from your parents basement, i’m enjoying tasty pho. Have fun imagining what it’s like to interact with the opposite sex.

I just hope you enjoy this good natured exchange as much as i did.

segfaulted: you suck

sarcasomatic: i do?

segfaulted: yeah

sarcasomatic: anything in particular?

segfaulted: no

sarcasomatic: so in general, i suck things

segfaulted: yes

sarcasomatic: not very hygenic

sarcasomatic: i mean, am i discriminating, or do i just suck stuff all willy nilly?

segfaulted: no, you just suck

sarcasomatic: crap. not knowing what i suck, or my basic sucking practices leaves me feeling uneasy

segfaulted: you suck

sarcasomatic: i can’t even make an account of my sucking history. thats important you know.

sarcasomatic: because when you suck, you’re not just sucking that one thing, but everything THAT has sucked as well.

segfaulted: please stop sucking

sarcasomatic: THATS THE THING. I wish i could!

sarcasomatic: but you’re not giving me any direciton here

sarcasomatic: have i sucked something close to you? is that why you’re offended?

segfaulted: im not offended

sarcasomatic: or have i sucked something you wanted to suck?

sarcasomatic: did i suckblock you?

segfaulted: you suck

sarcasomatic: we’ve covered that

segfaulted: yes

sarcasomatic: or… are you giving me an order

sarcasomatic: do you want me to suck?

segfaulted: no.. i said stop sucking

sarcasomatic: cause im not into that man

sarcasomatic: a little experimentation in college and you get a reputation

segfaulted: ok thats enough

sarcasomatic: enough sucking?

segfaulted: yes

sarcasomatic: whew!

sarcasomatic: i was getting worried i may not be up to it

sarcasomatic: all that sucking

segfaulted: yeah

sarcasomatic: i didnt have breakfast you know

sarcasomatic: and you know what they say about sucking on an empty stomache

sarcasomatic: i have to get back to work but i want you to know, really appreciate your advice

sarcasomatic: serious

segfaulted: good

sarcasomatic: we’re like suck buddies now

segfaulted: no

sarcasomatic: you take care now.

So, A while ago I wrote an open letter to one Tom Green, in order to inspire him. (see “Open Letter To Tom Green: Please Stop Sucking“) Well, today Tom retorted via his blog. His fans are now offering me some constructive crtiticism. I in tern am thanking them.

This was the first one i recieved. I will thank her later for inspiring this post.

Name: Amanda Reinhard
Email Address: mandi0902@yahoo.com
URL:

Comment:

I am sorry (or maybe not) that I do not know who you are. I am writting to tell you, YOU SUCK. Do you not realize this is America? People are entitled to have Blogs and share their opinions. Freedom of Speech, heard of it? Tom Green is AWESOME. Martin Short went over the line with his comments on Tom’s cancer. What he said was RUDE at best. Tom shared his cancer special to help others at his own expense. How dare you compare the two. You are entitled to your own opinion of course. I accidentally stumbled across this NONSENSE while doing a search for Tom Green. I am never again going to return to this SICKENING and NEGATIVE pile of ROT that you call a site. You are very misguided and if any of you had spent anytime reading Tom’s Blogs you would know what a decent and caring person he is. Which is more than I can say for this negative excuse for a website. At least Tom is kind and cares about peoples feelings. YOU SUCK.

Ed Adkins
to mandi0902

So, you just do random searches for “Tom Green” and “Sucking?”

That’s good. See, now that’s precisely the kind of humor we’re looking for- Sophomoric, yes. But creative!

I like your style, kid. Keep it up and you’ll go somewhere.

This one was too easy. I didn’t even have to work at it.

Name: KJ
Email Address: tsherry7@excite.com

Comment:

Wow. Let’s just say there are thousands of people who disagree with you. I think Tom’s blog is the best out there. Bar none.

Let’s also say that it’s a little disappointing that there are people like you who think that spouting off without any tact counts as worthwhile.

Ed Adkins
to tsherry7

SO you’re a big fan of Tom Green.

And tact?

Makes sense. I’ll take your comment to thought.

Bar none, this one is my favorite. Incidentally, mike simmons is the name of a college roomate and one of my best friends. I took great pleasure in this one.

mike simmons
to me

More options 2:15 pm (10 minutes ago)
Hello ed adkins, my name is Mike. let me give you some advice on making fun
of real celeberties and people more famous than you. its not realy advice.
wait… famous people make fun of me, i don’t make of them. what was i
gonna say? hhhmmmm. tom green has more money than you. does that bother you?
maybe you should kill yourself. you should just plug your crappy home
computer into the wall and drop it in the bath tub with yourself. you are
nobody, and tom green has made fun of you on his big important web-site.
nobody likes you. you should die now.

Ed Adkins
to mike

Wait a second here… so I should commit suicide because no one likes me?

I can only assume that this is not really mike simmons, but his next of kin. In that case, I understand your frustration and I share the pain of your loss. Mike was an incredibly kind and thoughtful individual. He brought much happiness into the lives of all he touched. It is unfortunate that he had such a negative view of his life’s worth. We will all miss him.

Love, Ed.

More fun to come, I’m sure.

If you want to see a little peek at what I’ve been up to lately, you can see it here:

One By One Media: Sprint’s New Coprorate Blog- An Uphill Battle

For the time being Uncle Eddie’s gonna be busy with a number of new projects. But make no mistake, just like the flurry of highly anticipated new forensic crime drama emergency medicine courtroom supernatural reality shows coming this fall, they’re sure to please.