Check Out Lady From Hell V.1
You all know her. She’s the bane of my existence. Check-Out Lady From Hell.
Somehow I lose myself about 20 seconds from finishing every single trip to the grocery store by my house. I’m all done picking stuff out and start towards the checkers when I forget that unspeakable horror lurks in aisle 6… the COLFH.
And without thinking I go right for her. I’m not clued in at first cause she has her back to me- plus I’ve already become engrossed in the latest Benn/Jenn/Brad/Ashton/Demi/Paris crap- or perhaps wondering how the Batboy’s face showed up in a cloud over Waco. But wait- what was that?
The Cackle.
Oh this is great. Craptabulous. I’m in the line of the all-time most annoying check-out lady. The type that opens and reads your greeting cards to you. “Ha. yeah, that’s a good one.” A good one? No a good one would be a card that said “Just run the friggin card across the red beam, genius, before the lady behind me beats you with a sack of potatoes.” That would be a good one.
She’s got the hint of a mullet and the most distracting perpetual cold sore in history. She can turn anything into a full-fledged conversation. ANY thing. “Ooooh. A man who knows how to shop. Way to get those savings.” Kindly shut your face-pit COLFH.
Now I looooove to talk. No surprise there. BUT there is a time and place. Yesterday I was in line with 40 pounds of ice. There was one woman in front of me with ONE item- a case of water. Here’s the scene:
COLFH: Hey there- got some water, eh? Well, let’s see if I can find the bar code.
Lady: Umm. yeah.
COLFH: Mmmmm. Got it.
COLFH: Have you seen our extreme special of the day? Bottles of sprite just 69 cents. (stares at bottle) 69 cents. that’s good.
Lady: Nah.
(COLFH stops the transaction to talk to the check out person next to her)
COLFH: (Mindless banter)
Lady: Um I thought the case was $2.99
COLFH: Nope, $3.99
Lady: But I read a circular
COLFH: Naw, Hon, it must’ve ended or something
Lady: It was for today
COLFH: Naw, it’s $3.99
Lady: Hmmmm… You know a dollar is real important to some people. In some countries it means life or death. Now I guess that kid I sponsor in Ethiopia will have to go without for a month.
COLFH: I could show you the circular-
Lady: No, he’ll manage somehow…
COLFH: Here. Let’s go through it together
(They combine their wits in order to finally answer the question nagging us all- can COLFH read?)
COLFH: Well I’ll be- it’s right there. Lemme spend a minute staring at the barcode…
COLFH: It’s definitely the one.
COLFH: Oh wait- the sale starts tomorrow…. ha. wow. that was great.
(I kick down the potato chip display and skewer the COLFH with a flagpole from the Fourth of July display- no wait- I just stand there and fume.)
Lady: I guess I’m just a hair away from retarded.
COLFH: Same here. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m still breathing. Ha ha ha. Whew. Have a great day.COLFH: Hello sir, wow- that’s a lot of ice. Pretty cold, huh?
Me: (cold stare of a psychopath)
COLFH: Alrighty, is that gonna be it?
Me: You have no idea.
COLFH: Have you seen our ext-
Me: (interrupting with stare of doom) not now.COLFH: Well all set- you have a great day sir, blah blah blah lot of ice blah blaah hah inane musings blah blah….
May 27th, 2004 at 10:09 pm
Quick, Ed is in a good mood, everyone ask for money. It’s o.k., this reminded me of something I wrote a while back, so I just re-posted it on my site. I would put a link to it here, but it contains an unneccesary amount of profanity and is admittedly inappropriate for anyone with any class or taste.
May 27th, 2004 at 10:51 pm
dude I have said it before, but now in front of the whole world: (well, actually the half dozen people who read my site) Shane is perhaps the funniest writer in Hollywood today.
Dude, that page cracked me up the first time i read it, and it cracked me up again just now.
May 28th, 2004 at 6:42 am
Ed that was just hilarious. Really set my day off right. Thanx! Ps. going to follow the linky to Shane. I love good humorous writers!
May 28th, 2004 at 7:19 am
I agree Shane is inshane!hahaha
Anyway I would probabaly be in jail for decapitating the COLFH. You dealt with it in really civilized manner.
May 28th, 2004 at 8:16 am
Dude, this needs to find it’s way into your stand-up routine, right next to Old Couple in the Car in Front of you doing 20 in a 55 MPH zone and ABQ drivers.
May 28th, 2004 at 12:45 pm
Ed I love your humour and I believe I must have been behind you in the grocery store or I know I must visit the one you do. Just know I was LMAO because it was so visual …luved it
May 28th, 2004 at 1:24 pm
Dang. Thanks a ton people.