Not the way to start your day.
Picture yourself as me this morning- if, of course, you can handle that much cool for a second. Your eyes have barely fluttered, you hardly remember the couple times Heidi got up to hit snooze. On second thought, wait- get out of bed with my wife.
Now it’s me. I was just entering a state that could be considered early human. There’s a thud- and a whole mess of thudding in the bathroom. Badoombudumduumboom. Silence.
Heidi drops stuff now and then, and I usually call out to make sure she’s ok. She usually responds with a touch of irritation that she’s perfectly fine.
I hurdle the expanse between the bedroom and bathroom in nothing flat. Sheets haven’t fallen before I’m at the door, opening it up. “Honey are you-”
She’s sprawled out on the floor, the water is still on. I. Totally. FREAK. OUT.
“HONEEEY!” I have never been so terrified in my entire life.
“WHAT!?!” She pops her head up, irritated. As if I just woke her unnecessarily.
I begin bawling for a second. I’m not ready to wake up this way. I compose myself. “Did you pass out or what?”
“No, I… I was showering, it got too hot in here, I started to leave, and then I was dreaming… um.” She reassesses the situation. On the floor. Soaking wet. Sprawled out. Good time for a nap?
I sit down, nerves shot. “Yeah honey you fainted or something.” We hug and I help her up into our room.
I am now absolutely no good for the day. I think it’s fair to say I can skip my morning poop. You know, usually it’s Heidi that finds me passed out. Go figure.
Authors Note: Heidi is fine. Apparently pregnant women faint sometimes, and she miraculously missed anything that would hurt her. I, being the anal one, concocted a safety plan for future fainting.