HOW TO BLOG BY ED ADKINS
People are always telling me, “hey Ed, you’re not funny and your blog sucks.”
And to this i reply, “how to blog? I’m flattered you’d ask me- I guess I could give you some pointers. sure, take a seat while uncle ed spits his A-game.”
But it gets annoying, constantly having to repeat those golden nuggets of bloggery. So finally, once and for all, I present you “So You Want to Clog the Net: ED’s Blogging Manifesto.”
1. Move to Los Angeles. No one wants to hear what went on in Craptown today. They don’t care about you, your dog or Otis the lovable town drunk. They care about LA though. Your blog could consist of a detailed rating of your morning dumps and as long as its called LA’s CRAPPIEST you’re gold.
2. Claim You Were Here First. About once a week, mention you’ve been blogging since like ‘92. Back when you had to hand code it into a calculator.
3. Polarize Your Political Stance. The particular stance is irrelevant. Just take your current one and move it ridiculously to the right or left. Great- now you have friends.
4. Comment Comment Comment. Commit yourself to at least 75 comments a day. Rotate winning phrases like “Nice Blog” or “UR FUNNY!” This is sure to win the love and respect of your fellow bloggers. Refrain from comments like “cheap chewable viagra!” and “HUGE online casino!”
5. Feel The Pressure. The web is a cruel mistress. She’s here for one reason and one only, friend: to suck out your very soul one entry at a time. It’s supposed to become something you hate to come home to. Something looming over your head and draining your creativity. You must understand, blog is not a pretty word.
6. Become A Celebrity. I wasn’t going to add this, but some people demand the easy route. Make it big and people will develop obsessive compulsive habits checking for your updates. The only problem is that chances are if you have maintained any reasonable amount of stardom you are illiterate. In that case, blah blah blah blah you aren’t reading this anyway.
7. You Could Try Working For Microsoft. While they do allow blogging and you’ll get great exposire, I suggest this with great caution. This is risky, as you now have a special place waiting in hell for you. Live it up while you have the chance.
8. Lie Lie Lie and Lie. Nothing puts people so sleep faster than the truth about you. Tell them you’re a playa. Tell them you’re the man. They read this crap because they want to become it- no one wants to become a middle aged divorcee father of two who manages a Mail Boxes Etc. They want to be super-pimp. Tell us about your day, super-pimp. And make it good.
9. When All Else Fails Join a Group. Bloggers like to visit the sites of people who share their interests. Take up a hobby like knitting, fan fiction, RPGs, parenting or being gay.
10. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER FORGET TO SAVE YOUR WOR
December 2nd, 2004 at 10:33 am
Well done Ed. You don’t always have to be funny to get a point across. I should know. I have plenty of experience.
December 2nd, 2004 at 12:10 pm
Good list. You’re right on the money. Hey, being gay is hobby? Rock! Sign me up. I’m sure to get some mega-hits with an “alternative lifestyle” blog!
December 2nd, 2004 at 1:30 pm
Looooove it (the list I mean). Yea! Only 74 more comments to go and my day is done.
December 2nd, 2004 at 1:32 pm
Hey man, whatever floats your boat. Just as long as it’s not about illegal stuff like atlernative lifestyle blog marriages.
December 2nd, 2004 at 2:14 pm
Sweet, I have to start following this.
December 2nd, 2004 at 2:33 pm
Nice semi-fictional how-to blogging list, I chuckled
December 2nd, 2004 at 3:28 pm
i love it!
actually if you wrote about your poops each day you might start a trend.
good luck!
December 2nd, 2004 at 3:42 pm
Funnny list, though you left out blogging about your annoying cats.
No time to write more — I have a plane to catch to LA.
December 2nd, 2004 at 3:53 pm
I luv ur blog
, Ur funny!!! LOLZZZ!!! 
I’m committing suicide while I’m writing this.
December 2nd, 2004 at 5:23 pm
LOL !! Thanks for the heads up, I should use some of your tips.
December 2nd, 2004 at 6:35 pm
Oh good, now I just have to find a group that will let me join.
December 2nd, 2004 at 7:24 pm
Hey, Ed. You’re not funny and your blog sucks.
Just kidding – great list, Ed!
December 2nd, 2004 at 9:43 pm
Ed, you’re my hero!
December 2nd, 2004 at 9:44 pm
Shen says ‘cute belly’.
December 3rd, 2004 at 12:31 am
UR FUNNY! NICE BLOG! I clicked on your banner, because you said you need attention, and I definitely need to laugh after a day spent with elementary kids. This is the first time I’ve been here, but I’ll be back. Sounds like a threat, hunh?
December 3rd, 2004 at 8:54 am
great blog- great list- well done!
December 3rd, 2004 at 12:12 pm
You forgot a couple:
11) Ask for donations/money – After all, running a web log takes tremendous resources and dollars that could run well into the double digits PER MONTH!
12) Mention the number of hits you get – Nothing is more valuable content than navel gazing at your web stats and comparing your weblog to other weblogs.
December 3rd, 2004 at 2:37 pm
1. I’m from LA and 2. I comment like a madwoman!
I guess I’m on my way… Now to become a celeb.
December 4th, 2004 at 10:55 pm
Hey Ed!
UR FUNNY!
December 5th, 2004 at 2:35 am
Atleast you aren’t selling cheap chewable viagra while being funny which leads me to say that you have a nice blog.
December 5th, 2004 at 5:23 pm
I think this could probably fit under “Feel the pressure”: you can’t forget how much you hate the lack of anonymity in your blog. At least once a month, you have to say how much you blog SOLELY for yourself, to express your feelings, and you hate the fact that everyone is all up in your business, and they have the audacity to comment about your opinions, and for this reason, you’re taking a break. After a week you have a major “welcome back” entry wherein you discuss how you’ve evolved as a person during your blogging break. Fucking tards.
December 6th, 2004 at 12:01 pm
Hey guess what, funny article, because it wasnt about you. Anyone that really reads blogs about random assholes is probably someone you dont want to hang out with. Way to be creative, instead of “Time: 2am, Feeling: Bored, Anyone Cares: No” types of blog entries. You rock, unfortunatle you are a dying breed
August 22nd, 2005 at 9:23 am
I was going to say “Nice Blog, UR FUNNY!” but i guess that one was a little bit obvious… anyway.
September 26th, 2005 at 1:45 am
Hey Ed, what’s with the blog list? Is it a set of rules or guidelines because the Iraqis here in Tikrit cant get enough. They’re thinking about switching from the Koran to your blog list for their religious/blog needs. Nice touch with the ctrl-c/ctrl-v cypher. But you were so-so funny not oh i pooped myself funny. Congrats on your child. I just found out. Later from Mideast.