On Babies and The Stare
On the phone with my stepmom last night, driving home…
STEPMOM: So you guys getting excited?ED: Holy crap yes. We can’t wait to see the baby.
STEPMOM: How is Heidi feeling? She OK?
ED: Yeah. She just wants the baby out tho.
STEPMOM: Yeah the last month is like that.
ED: YOU STUPID FAT WHORE!
STEPMOM: …
ED: LET ME IN WHORE! LET ME IN! WHAT THE HELL?
STEPMOM: eh…
ED: I’m sorry- there’s an accident ahead in my lane and this chick won’t let me in. I’m sorry you had to hear that.
STEPMOM: No problem. I live with your father.
STEPMOM: (to father) Your son is calling a woman a whore because she won’t let him in her lane.
ED: A fat whore.
STEPMOM: (to father) a fat whore.
ED: It’s different.
FATHER: (in background) That’s my boy!
STEPMOM: You father usually uses a complex system of profanities, gestures and The Stare.
ED: OMG I love his stare- I do it perfect. I even get people in the car to do it in unison as we drive past bad drivers.
STEPMOM: You guys…
ED: There’s the pissed off “hit you in the face with a shovel” stare and of course the slight head-shake in disbelief stare- that one is powerful- i kind of feel bad when i use it sometimes.
STEPMOM: ha.
ED: I don’t even have the window down- this is more for me tho- catharsis.
ED: She is a beastly thing tho- she’s huge- she’s pressed against both front windows of her little Geo Metro. I guess given that it’s doubtful she’s a real whore.
STEPMOM: OMG.
ED: (to lady) I hope you can lip-read you spiteful pig-thing- cause I’m passing you poor overworked car.
ED: Hey you guys have a great night- we’ll call you when Heidi goes into labor.
STEPMOM: Love you guys- bye.
February 8th, 2005 at 12:27 pm
The head shake is disbelief stare is my signature. I also love the “what the hell” arms-thrown-in-the-air move.
February 8th, 2005 at 3:03 pm
You are too god damn funny, Ed! It sounds like we could give each other a run for our money on verbal road rage.
February 8th, 2005 at 3:59 pm
Scary to think this man will soon be a Father.
February 8th, 2005 at 7:24 pm
You’re crazy.
I flip the bird and call them a fuckhead usually.
February 8th, 2005 at 8:33 pm
Yes, this IS very scary that he is going to be a father. I hope our daughter doesn’t pick up these habits! (okay, I know it’s a given she’s gonna be just like her daddy…I better keep working on him!)
February 8th, 2005 at 9:41 pm
I wave and flash an insanely huge grin. Sometimes I give them a thumbs up after that.
February 8th, 2005 at 11:52 pm
I usually just shrug it off when someone makes me mad on the road. But every once in a while, if I get lucky and we’re in a really secluded area, I’ll get out and beat them mercilessly with my AM/FM cassette deck wrapped in my floor mat. But, you know, to each their own.