I think I imagine this about 4 or five times each night before going to bed. It’s a pretty vulnerable situation- here you are about to close your eyes and ears to the world for 6 to eight hours or so. Just before allowing sleep to take over each night I picture what I would do if I wake up to see an ominous silhouette in the doorway.

(ED. note: Of course lately they take the form of a lifeless zombie- most likely the initial representative of thousands searching out a warm meal in my neighborhood in the event that the world has been taken over by the living dead, but it could easily be exchanged for a normal burglar or something.)

Well, I’m pretty sure that it’s a regular thought for most men- at least once in the last few months you’ve got up from peaceful slumber to do a security sweep of your house at your wife’s request. I grab various things for the patrol. I’ve donned the brass candlestick from the nightstand, I used to keep my old lacrosse stick under the bed, and more times than not I’ll wrap this really heavy belt around one hand ’cause I imagine the buckle would make a healthy impression on any would-be intruder.

Well, this guy is my hero (story). In the process of beating the ever-living crap out of the guy who broke into his house and tried to kidnap his son, he broke not just one golf club, but two- and a fire poker- over this guy. Nice work. The police found the dude later wandering the neighborhood- prolly delirious. Greg McMurray, you have now been entered into the running for the 2004 Manly Man Award

What was that guy thinking breaking into a house on “Wild Irishman Lane,” anyway?

Thanks to Dave Barry for the story.

That’s right. I’m just plain crazy about health. You could say that the very subject of healthy living consumes my very thoughts. I often find myself thinking, “How long before I can get off work and pour myself a frosty glass of my favorite health drink?”

That is, ever since Glen over at Instapundit informed me that Guiness is good for you.

Read more about the health benifits of the Beer that Drinks Like A Meal. (story)

That makes sense. (story) (mattsharp.net)

I do dig country, tho. And come on- even polka would be better than that “Friends of P” song that his other band The Rentals did.

who could have avoided financial and legal ruin had he been a regular reader of this site! (link to story)

It’s almost too sad to report. Almost. This Professor scams the govt. out of $600,000 only to lose it to the Nigerian email scammers!!! He got other people in on it who mortgaged their house!!! Holy carp. I find it hard to believe that they’re not making this up, but I am so along for the ride.

Oh, “how did they catch him,” you ask? As police were questioning a suspect at a bar, HE was arguing with an accomplice at the next stinking table! Wow. You win, man. I couldn’t even come up with that. Just wow.

If only he had read this post, and this one, or even this.

I swear to you

THIS IS THE BLUES CLUES GUY. (in all-caps, no less.)

What the crap is up with that?

If you could see me right now, I am visibly shaken.

YOu wANNA KnOW wHAT rreally freaks me out? It’s a kinda cool site. Check the FAQs. I am terrified to listen to the music tho. If he pulls this off I’m personally sending him some sort of award.

People say I look like him when I shave my goatee off.

From this moment on, all fat children willl heretofore be referred to as…

MCKIDS.

The picture is amazing.

Thank you so much BBC and ASV.

Richard Simmons, Bad@$$- With Flair!

Man Sues Over Google Pagerank. I haven’t read all the article, but I think it’s because all the supersizing made him fat.

Walmart Begins Online Music Sales. Future ventures for Wal-Mart include Head Shops, Overseas Adoptions and Botox Clinics, rounding off their complete dominance of every possible market in the free world.

I’ve figured it out. As soon as John Woo hit the states he must have developed a ferocious crack habit.

It’s the only explanation. Replacement Killers was unforgivable. Windtalkers was a total let down. Now this.

Now we’ll never hear the new Alanis M. single the way nature intended. (story)

It has gone too far. Too far indeed.

Krispy Kreme unveiled plans for a low sugar, low fat donut. (link) Tell me, who is eating donuts for their healthy benefits? I eat them for their sickeningly sweet, fatty, artery-clogging goodness. If I want healthy I can hop on down to Wild Oats. I’m sure they have some sort of roto-rooter granola fiber-bomb thing made from free range wheat or hemp or something.

When I pick a Krispy Kreme I am fully aware that it is in reality a pretty grease sponge with sprinkles. Don’t screw with that KK or you will pay a price.

Oh, the mad-cap antics of silly girls. (story)

To be a dog person. There’s even a use for poodles.

Of how my POT got switched with these HUMAN GUTS.

Loosely Related Fuzzy Memory Time:

For a while I delivered lost luggage to people once it had been found at the airport. It was quite rewarding. Since I didn’t work for the airport or the airlines, people always saw me as their personal luggage saviour. I’d get offered meals, tips, and general well-wishing. It’s a great feeling. Even though you’re only doing the job of a basic delivery guy people act like you rescued their kid from a well.

Hello! Didn’t I say this before?

Cats wouldn’t think twice of eating you if you died.

RENO (Reuters) Special Report- Fans across the world were shocked today as pictures surfaced on the internet of Froggie the Frog, partying just days before his mysterious death. The pictures, leaked by an anonymous source, depict the legendary frog carousing with Courtney Love, Mickey Rouke and Scott Weiland at L.A.’s famous Viper Room.

“We don’t know what to make of this,” Froggie Fan Club President Jason Shugars stated Wednesday, “but we know our Froggie wouldn’t do that.”

Fellings were mixed concerning the pictures, though, with some fans saying that this didn’t shock them. According to Matt Sledge of Oxford, Ohio based Radio Station 97X, the public shouldn’t be alarmed. “So what if he was partying? It’s no scandal. People need to stop making such a big deal and focus on the Frog and his music.”

To Froggie’s family, though, this comes as a tough blow to their claims that the Frog was clean and sober months before his death. “This is just another sham,” said Mr. Squiggles, Froggie’s father, “We know Froggie wasn’t partying anymore. Whoever put those pictures on the net knows who killed him, and we’re gonna find you.”

Washoe County authorities have been scouring the scene since last week, hoping to find a clue to the frogs untimely death. Owners of the house, Ed and Heidi Adkins, were unavailable for comment Wednesday.

RENO- (AP) Breaking News. According to a press release from the Washoe County Coroners Office today, preliminary toxicology reports revealed “high amounts of alcohol and other drugs” in the blood of legendary rocker Froggie the frog at the time of his death.

As the resulting buzz surrounding the report was felt around the world, family in Reno Nevada vehemently defended the dead frog. “We are confident that Froggie had nothing to do with that stuff. He was clean,” says Mr. Squiggles, Father of Froggie. Squiggles, who now resides in a 15 gallon tank at the 400 block of Mt. Rose Street said that the rest of the family is “100 percent behind our Froggie.”

In what has become a common sight at the Nation’s schools and universities, students at the University Of Nevada here in town held a candle-light vigil for the fallen amphibian, singing songs and sharing stories of how the frog had touched their lives. “We want to remember the good times and all the happiness he brought us,” cited long time senior Ryan Jerz, “He was a good frog. He’ll be missed.”

As the Nation come to grips with the loss of this cultural icon, the questions still remain about his demise. Was Froggie really over the demons that plagued him earlier in his career? And if so, how could the toxicology reports be explained? His family believes he was a victim of foul play. “We’re gonna find out what happened to our Froggie,” says Squiggles, “and my guess is you gots to start askin’ those people he was livin’ with, and that fish- that Beta person. We won’t rest ’till we see some justice round here.”

Oh dear. I knew when I read that story on Dr. Atkins that it seemed skewed, but I figured it was a great chance to vent a little on those pesky fad dieters (and you will notice the quick jab to the Orkuters too). I overlooked what seemed like biased journalism for the sake of a joke.

Well, the joke is on me.

IT WAS PETA (link). PETA posed as a phony physicians’ accociation in order to peddle their agenda. Boo that crap. And to think, it was at the expense of the fad-diet army- and me. Well, I am sorry. For moment I was PETA’s little blog-monkey and it’s left a horrible, bitter taste in my mouth. Never again, my friends. Never ever again.

BTW tho. This by no means signals a change of heart regarding that Atkins crap. Put down that quadruple cheeseburger sans bun and jog a couple laps.

…are going off somewhere because they finally said what we all knew was inevitable: They’re making a Simpsons movie.