So at 27 I’ve started to think about getting healthy. Not the kind the vegan/granola weirdness healthy, but longevity healthy. Heidi works at this retirement home and comes home with all these stories about old people and their oldness, and I’ve started wondering, “just how long can is this body gonna make it?” An old Bloom County strip had Binkley’s Dad wondering how his heart kept pumping when his car couldn’t go two months without busting something.

I’ve decided to quit crack.

So admittedly I’m starting small, but it’s not proving easy. The other day I thought, “If I stop some of my bad habits now, maybe I’ll be ahead of the game come 30- and I’ll be able to cheat death a little. Now, I’m a big cracker- wait, that’s true on so many levels. But the point is, I like to crack stuff: my knuckles, my neck, my back- I even get my shoulders, toes and knees once in a while. And I know it’s not good for you- so I’m trying to quit-but man, it’s tough.

I thought smoking was supposed to be the toughest habit to break- whatever. cracking stuff has got to be the worst. There’s Alcoholics Anonymous, Narcotics Anonymous, even Over-Eater’s Anonymous- but just try to find Crackers Anonymous. You can’t- because no one’s got a death wish big enuf to try that. It’s stinkin impossible to quit. I’ve cracked my knuckles three times already just writing this.

The best I’ve managed has been almost a week before I fell head first off the wagon. I can’t decide which is harder to quit- my neck or my knuckles. It just feels so darn goooooood to do a nice neck crack. And you know what I’m talking about- when you’re all tense, nothing feels as good as the cik cik cik cik craaack as you twist your head left to right and back again. And then there’s the one where you impress everyone cause it sounded like you broke a frozen cat in half. But you don’t dare look around the room to address your fans- you just act like it’s business as usual. Dangit- I’m not supposed to glamorize the habit- I’m trying to kick it.

Oh well. I’m trying and I guess that’s all you can ask. I’ll keep you guys updated while I continue to get my healthy on. Your job is just to keep pouring in all the support and stories of how you’ve overcome this terrible burden yourselves.

I can’t wait. You have no idea how badly I can’t wait. And how could you? It’s indescribable- a movie above all others is coming- one by which all others will be forever measured. At least all other Elvis/JKF team-up-monster-movie-comedy-horror-action flicks will. Believe me. Bubba Ho-Tep will hit theaters in September and you can bet your faded sequined jump-suit I’ll be there. It stars my all-time FAVORITE Bruce Campbell as Elvis- he’s apparently still alive and living in a rest home. He teams up with JFK (also alive- but he’s been turned black) as they fight off an ancient Egyptian mummy. Oh, please just TRY to think of something better that THAT, James Cameron! In tribute, I have been inspired to put together a partial list of other movies I can’t wait to see:

• Underworld- Werewolves vs vampires. Wicked-cool soundtrack.
• Once upon a time in Mexico- El Mariachi Tres
• Luther- Old-School religious reformer. He gives this list some character.
• Kill Bill Vol I & II- Tarantino movie number 4. Bloodiest scene in movie history. need I say more?
• Envy- Jack Black and Ben Stiller. I have goosebumps.
• Fletch Won (2004) Epic.
• School of Rock (2004) Jack Black teaching little kids about rock. I’m crying.
• The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) Admit it- You like Vin Deisel.
• Son of the Mask (2004) Jamie Kennedy takes on the Mask Mantle- ha.
• The Punisher (2004) WITHOUT Dolph Lundgren. This movie has much potential.
• King Kong (2004) DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON- HELLO! Prepare to lose the use of at least one of your senses as a result of how incredibly kick-butt this could be.

LEFT-HANDERS OF THE WORLD UNITE! Click on this article about left handed day. That’s right- “DOWN WITH RIGHTY” What’s up now fool? I bet I’m tickin’ off a whole bunch of good right folks with this post, but you need to know the plight of the left-handed man. We have to use YOUR spiral notebooks, YOUR corkscrews, YOUR CARROT PEELERS! Dangit. It gets me all worked up just thinking about what I’ve been through livin’ in a right-man’s world.

August 13th may mark international left-handed day, but I tell you- my lefty brothers and sisters- I live it every day. Every time I walk into a schoolroom and see all the desks for right people- where’s the lefty desk? In the corner, all broken down and graffiti covered- THATS what I gotta go through. And don’t even get me started about those STUPID gel pens- rightie invented that goofy thing, I’m glad they don’t work for me.

It hasn’t always been like this. we used to be on TOP! Ever heard of a little somebody named Napoleon Bonaparte? How ’bout Benjamin Franklin, Alexander the Great, Charlemagne or Julius Caesar? All lefties. Take that righty! Also, Ron Reagan, George Bush Sr., Harry Truman and James Garfield. And it just goes on and on… watch yourself righty.

Here’s some links for all my left-handed brothers and sisters in the fight:

• The Left Hand Store

• More Left-Handed Products
• The Left-Handed Experience
• Famous Left-Handers
• Left-Handed Writing Tips

Well, it’s been over a week and no one has returned my camera. It’s time I came to the realization that it’s gone. The only consolation I can have now is that somehow, it found it’s way into a good home where it’s taken care of and given lots of attention- not staring out a lonely pawnshop window, smeared with grease stains and cigarette ashes and so many broken dreams. In order to finish the grieving process, I have fashioned this tribute page- just CLICK ON THE CAMERA PIC- I hope it helps you cope like it has me.

OhGeezOhGeezOhGeezOhGeezOhGeezOhGeez!!!
We are proud to present THE ALL NEW AND IMPROVED EDANDHEIDI.COM!!!!!

A special message to both of our loyal readers:
We are very sorry we havent been updating as of late, but as you can see we were fevorishly learning all kinds of new computer languages in order to dish up this brand-spankin new look. BUT, rest assured, we’ve been saving up some REALLY good posts as you WILL SEE when we resume regular broadcasting TOMORROW.

This is the kind of story that people hate me for loving: 174 Wild Chihuahuas facing execution. I don’t know about you, but tame Chihuahuas don’t seem to be making a strong case for their continued existence. (The story has inspired ‘celebrity’ involvement, candle light vigils, and strife between animal rights groups. All of the commotion reminds me of the surprising amount of attention the “rover road rage” case got a couple of years ago.) At least these ones have found an interesting take on the whole tiny, annoyingly bitter dog racket. “No one questions that these are troubled dogs.” Apparently, like a scene from some classic prison movie, they killed a dozen inmates at the animal shelter the moment they got there. They may be small, but none of ‘em are about to become somebody’s doggy-girlfriend. They hunt in packs too- like twitchy, bug-eyed, diminutive wolves. THAT I’d pay money to see. Yo quiero stay of execution.

Oh sure, you may like where you live- BUT DID IT GET VOTED 3RD BEST PLACE TO LIVE? that’s what I thought. In May, Reno earned that title from Men’s Journal.We’re movin’ up (see Jefferson pic below for info.) PLUS, ESPN just filmed the Outdoor Games here last week- a friend of mine was a fly-fishing judge. I wanted to go real bad but we weren’t moved in and it took precedent. Bummer ’cause it’s gotta be the coolest thing I’ve ever heard of. Dogs fetching things, hatchets flying, men doing manly things like chewing up WHOLE LOGS and SPITTING them through SIX inch CEMENT WALLS! It doesn’t get much manlier, and it’s all here in beautiful Northern Nevada. (5 minutes in that site and you’ll storm out of your office, run into the woods and kick a bear RIGHT IN THE FACE.) You can keep your fruity juice bars and your skinny soy lattes- I’ve got ghost towns (over 600), slot machines (at gas stations even), and miles and miles of DIRT- not like your sissy mud packs- the sun-bleached hard kind that HURTS. See posters. One, Two and Three. Oh yeah, we’re bad.

Hey! we finally have a website working! This is so great. By Monday it should be fully functional. rite now it’s just the beta version if you will. It looks like it will when it’s done, but there’s still a lot of bugs to work out. Pretty cool, nonetheless. Oh well, its pretty late and I wanna load this puppy up- so enuf typing.