I have to admit, humble readers, earlier today I was beginning to ask myself, “Is it really worth it? Is the cause to which I’ve committed myself and my blog really worth the heartache?”

Sure, someone has to be the voice of truth. But why does it always have to be me?

I was in what your therapist might call “a dark place.”

And, as has happened during the darkest hours of so many of history’s greatest, most noble struggles- a ray of sunshine appeared to give me the courage to stay the course.

Screw it, Wil Wheaton emailed me and told me I’m his friggin hero.

Choke on that.

Ed,

As both a C-list actor and A-list blogger, I want you to know that you are my hero. I can’t believe that I just discovered your blog yesterday, thanks to Sean Bonner.

For reals, you rule.

Sincerely,

Wil Wheaton

Wil Wheaton likes what I have to say Tom. Who enjoys reading your site Tom? Oh yeah, they’re all over the comments in my previous posts- severely imbalanced shut-ins and a retarded kid with a terminal case of Tourettes. Seriously, your fanclub makes Selena’s look stable.

I’m sorry I can’t hear you Tom- what was that?

Homely little what? Home computer something something?

Every single one of you trolls and naysayers, unplug your keyboards and hang up your trollgear. I think I just got handed some serious street cred. And you got handed your nasty green troll asses.

Wil’s Site
Sean’s Site

Oh man. This could very well be a case of the sequel being better than the first one.

So this represents the best of Tim Green’s fan base? So far they’ve wished me dead, wished my family members dead- but that is nothing compared to what they’ve done to civilized discourse. But fear not my friends, I didn’t shrink back. Below you will find some of the funniest, most horrible things I have said to anyone this week. Enjoy.

Warning: Naughty Words Ahead.

The first one is a second email from A. Reinhard, who I guess initiated this whole thing. From the look of it I’d say we’re cool now.

Amanda Reinhard
to me

What a pathetic excuse for a man you are. First of all using the word “kid” is vey presumptious on your end. I am 38 years old. I am very sure I made it clear in my previous post that YOU SUCK Sir, and I use that term in a very loose sense, not Tom. Apparently the only way you can feel good about yourself is by putting others down. I feel sorry for you and anyone who takes pleasure in reading your site. Do you not have anything worthwhile to say and do with your time in life? Cause this is SAD. So I will kindly request that YOU STOP SUCKING and find a worthwhile outlet for your energy. I will say a prayer for you and wish you luck in finding a better way in life.

Thank you for your time,
Amanda Reinhard

Ed Adkins
to Amanda

Mandi,

I bet Mr. Green is pretty flattered over your email campaign. Seriously. I bet he’s totally into 38 year old housewives.

And while appreciate your offer to pray for me- it may not be the best idea.

Chances are you get down on your knees and start thinking about me in all my studliness, and your mind’s bound to get filled with all kinds of naughtiness.

You could get struck down right then and there.

My advice- just stick to obsessing over big celebrities like Tim Green or whover he is.

Ed

This guy was brief, but still managed to give me something to work with.

John
to me

Never heard of you, good luck with that. No class is low class.

Ed Adkins
to John

Um. Actually no class would be no class. That’s less that low.

Se that?

No class = 0.
Low class > 0.

In the future this rhyme may help,

When I want to remember how much class is NO
I just rebemember little boys john buffam likes to bLOW.

See? That’s Easy, no?

Low?

The following one is one of my favorites, since I CONVERTED HIM! Take that Green! How many of my fans have you persuaded to join your rag tag team? Face!

aaron reinhard
to me

fuck you ed,

i think that you ruined my work day.

i hope your wife dies.

Ed Adkins
to aaron

statistically mr reinhard, eventually your wish will become a reality.

keep reaching for the stars.

Ed

aaron reinhard
to me

i must say, your comment in return was much better than mine

do you make a living doing this? if so… are you hiring ??

you could train me

I’m sorry this post is so long but come on, how could I leave this one out?

ur a (bloody)douschebag
Jake Snover
to me

i love it how u hate on tom green.. i noticed u have only 23000 hits on your website…thats funny bc tom gets half that many each day i also notice how u look and want to be like him, is it bc he had 2 shows on mtv and u didnt? i would like to talk to u on aim sometime so i can call u an asshole while u r reading please send someting back even if u r simply going to tell me to fuck off bc u have made a mortal enemy talking shit about a hero of mine

i could care less if u ate a shitty sandwhich and choked on the corn, burn in hell.

FUCK U ED!

Ed Adkins
to Jake

Jake,

I admire your culinary creativity!

Culinary means “of or relating to a kitchen or to cookery”. That’s in reference to your “shitty sandwich” comment.

Reference means “Significance in a specified context”

Signifigance means “A meaning that is expressed.”

While I always enjoy hearing from my fans, I must say It’s a special treat when I hear from someone like you, for whom English is their second or even third language.

My Instant message address is sarcasomatic. I’m sure I’ll find what you have to say informative, as well as intellectually stimulating,

Your American Friend,

Ed Adkins

I think I just may write a book on proper troll maintenance.

I just hope you enjoy this good natured exchange as much as i did.

segfaulted: you suck

sarcasomatic: i do?

segfaulted: yeah

sarcasomatic: anything in particular?

segfaulted: no

sarcasomatic: so in general, i suck things

segfaulted: yes

sarcasomatic: not very hygenic

sarcasomatic: i mean, am i discriminating, or do i just suck stuff all willy nilly?

segfaulted: no, you just suck

sarcasomatic: crap. not knowing what i suck, or my basic sucking practices leaves me feeling uneasy

segfaulted: you suck

sarcasomatic: i can’t even make an account of my sucking history. thats important you know.

sarcasomatic: because when you suck, you’re not just sucking that one thing, but everything THAT has sucked as well.

segfaulted: please stop sucking

sarcasomatic: THATS THE THING. I wish i could!

sarcasomatic: but you’re not giving me any direciton here

sarcasomatic: have i sucked something close to you? is that why you’re offended?

segfaulted: im not offended

sarcasomatic: or have i sucked something you wanted to suck?

sarcasomatic: did i suckblock you?

segfaulted: you suck

sarcasomatic: we’ve covered that

segfaulted: yes

sarcasomatic: or… are you giving me an order

sarcasomatic: do you want me to suck?

segfaulted: no.. i said stop sucking

sarcasomatic: cause im not into that man

sarcasomatic: a little experimentation in college and you get a reputation

segfaulted: ok thats enough

sarcasomatic: enough sucking?

segfaulted: yes

sarcasomatic: whew!

sarcasomatic: i was getting worried i may not be up to it

sarcasomatic: all that sucking

segfaulted: yeah

sarcasomatic: i didnt have breakfast you know

sarcasomatic: and you know what they say about sucking on an empty stomache

sarcasomatic: i have to get back to work but i want you to know, really appreciate your advice

sarcasomatic: serious

segfaulted: good

sarcasomatic: we’re like suck buddies now

segfaulted: no

sarcasomatic: you take care now.

So, A while ago I wrote an open letter to one Tom Green, in order to inspire him. (see “Open Letter To Tom Green: Please Stop Sucking“) Well, today Tom retorted via his blog. His fans are now offering me some constructive crtiticism. I in tern am thanking them.

This was the first one i recieved. I will thank her later for inspiring this post.

Name: Amanda Reinhard
Email Address: mandi0902@yahoo.com
URL:

Comment:

I am sorry (or maybe not) that I do not know who you are. I am writting to tell you, YOU SUCK. Do you not realize this is America? People are entitled to have Blogs and share their opinions. Freedom of Speech, heard of it? Tom Green is AWESOME. Martin Short went over the line with his comments on Tom’s cancer. What he said was RUDE at best. Tom shared his cancer special to help others at his own expense. How dare you compare the two. You are entitled to your own opinion of course. I accidentally stumbled across this NONSENSE while doing a search for Tom Green. I am never again going to return to this SICKENING and NEGATIVE pile of ROT that you call a site. You are very misguided and if any of you had spent anytime reading Tom’s Blogs you would know what a decent and caring person he is. Which is more than I can say for this negative excuse for a website. At least Tom is kind and cares about peoples feelings. YOU SUCK.

Ed Adkins
to mandi0902

So, you just do random searches for “Tom Green” and “Sucking?”

That’s good. See, now that’s precisely the kind of humor we’re looking for- Sophomoric, yes. But creative!

I like your style, kid. Keep it up and you’ll go somewhere.

This one was too easy. I didn’t even have to work at it.

Name: KJ
Email Address: tsherry7@excite.com

Comment:

Wow. Let’s just say there are thousands of people who disagree with you. I think Tom’s blog is the best out there. Bar none.

Let’s also say that it’s a little disappointing that there are people like you who think that spouting off without any tact counts as worthwhile.

Ed Adkins
to tsherry7

SO you’re a big fan of Tom Green.

And tact?

Makes sense. I’ll take your comment to thought.

Bar none, this one is my favorite. Incidentally, mike simmons is the name of a college roomate and one of my best friends. I took great pleasure in this one.

mike simmons
to me

More options 2:15 pm (10 minutes ago)
Hello ed adkins, my name is Mike. let me give you some advice on making fun
of real celeberties and people more famous than you. its not realy advice.
wait… famous people make fun of me, i don’t make of them. what was i
gonna say? hhhmmmm. tom green has more money than you. does that bother you?
maybe you should kill yourself. you should just plug your crappy home
computer into the wall and drop it in the bath tub with yourself. you are
nobody, and tom green has made fun of you on his big important web-site.
nobody likes you. you should die now.

Ed Adkins
to mike

Wait a second here… so I should commit suicide because no one likes me?

I can only assume that this is not really mike simmons, but his next of kin. In that case, I understand your frustration and I share the pain of your loss. Mike was an incredibly kind and thoughtful individual. He brought much happiness into the lives of all he touched. It is unfortunate that he had such a negative view of his life’s worth. We will all miss him.

Love, Ed.

More fun to come, I’m sure.

For those loyal readers who have been keeping putting up with me over the last year, you know that I sometimes have a hard time making friends. i.e:

The Political Kid
The Bee Gee Fans

Well, now one of my posts has caught the eye of one Cassondra. She has taken issue with me concerning my strong dislike of Pit Bulls- otherwise known as Satans Poopy Pets. But far be it from me to leave an enemy lurking on the net- earlier tonight I (in usual Ed form) presented Cassondra with the olive branch via IM.

Who want to lay odds on how it went?
(more…)

Holy Crap! Pit Bulls can type!!

Don’t beliveve me? Check out this post from way back- take note of the comments.

Well, I just figured I would shed a bit of light on our recent “attack of the killer BEEGEEs.” In case anyone wants to know, it looks as if it was initiated by one Donna from Tenessee. Grab all the exciting vitals here. I highly recommend hitting up her homepage when you get a chance or emailing her to stay in touch. The riveting string of posts concerning our site can be found here. Well, Donna, you for helped all of us at EDANDHEIDI.com ring in the new year with a bang- boosting our readership a whopping 6.7% and adding 30 or so new comments. Thankyoucomeagain.

Dang. It seems that I have a knack for ticking off the oddest people. You may notice that Maurice Gibb is kicking some major butt in the “Dead Celeb” poll. You may also take note that it’s not representitive of the opinion of the world at large. It’s the result of a MAD BEE GEE FAN ATTACK. This may happen to you- so pay attentention here, people. They also decided to go hog wild on my comments from some way back post (which had nothing to do with the poll- please people, read the directions in the comments). So how did so many Maurice Gib fans find ther way to my site? My guess is through this email list. Oh well. I can only imagine how hard core the John Denver fans must be.

They should all be hunted down and disposed of. Some day I’ll tell ya’ll about the time I became an afternoon snack for one of those hell-spawn, but for now just read this chilling story. And yes, I hate them more that Chihuahuas. Much, much more. They are worthless pathetic beasts of things that only seem appropriate when chewing truck tires in rap videos. Landfill. Pitooey. I am finished.

When we last left our hero he was embroiled in political controversy (see yesterday’s post). But according to our sources, the plot took a surprising twist earlier today! (watch the amazing story unfold here in spectacular IM-O-COLOR!)

Oopsy. anyone notice this post? It seems that the webmaster of that teen politics site I referenced took issue. Well, Mr. Johnny Galbraith- I wish to continue our dialogue (here). Kudos for starting your website- I respect you for putting the time and effort into something you believe in. But, like anyone I respect, I feel no qualms poking fun at you and your site. Heck, mine looks like a cross between an altoids ad and a brochure for dorkdom. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’s ok when people make fun of you. Especially when their website looks like the Fourth of July threw up.

I can’t wait. You have no idea how badly I can’t wait. And how could you? It’s indescribable- a movie above all others is coming- one by which all others will be forever measured. At least all other Elvis/JKF team-up-monster-movie-comedy-horror-action flicks will. Believe me. Bubba Ho-Tep will hit theaters in September and you can bet your faded sequined jump-suit I’ll be there. It stars my all-time FAVORITE Bruce Campbell as Elvis- he’s apparently still alive and living in a rest home. He teams up with JFK (also alive- but he’s been turned black) as they fight off an ancient Egyptian mummy. Oh, please just TRY to think of something better that THAT, James Cameron! In tribute, I have been inspired to put together a partial list of other movies I can’t wait to see:

• Underworld- Werewolves vs vampires. Wicked-cool soundtrack.
• Once upon a time in Mexico- El Mariachi Tres
• Luther- Old-School religious reformer. He gives this list some character.
• Kill Bill Vol I & II- Tarantino movie number 4. Bloodiest scene in movie history. need I say more?
• Envy- Jack Black and Ben Stiller. I have goosebumps.
• Fletch Won (2004) Epic.
• School of Rock (2004) Jack Black teaching little kids about rock. I’m crying.
• The Chronicles of Riddick (2004) Admit it- You like Vin Deisel.
• Son of the Mask (2004) Jamie Kennedy takes on the Mask Mantle- ha.
• The Punisher (2004) WITHOUT Dolph Lundgren. This movie has much potential.
• King Kong (2004) DIRECTED BY PETER JACKSON- HELLO! Prepare to lose the use of at least one of your senses as a result of how incredibly kick-butt this could be.