Here’s another little insight into just how twisted my mind is. I had just got back from the conference in phoenix hell, and I was unpacking my crap & Heidi and I were talking…

HEIDI: So that hotel was pretty nice, huh?

ED: Oh yeah- real swanky. Apparently they’re known for their beds. It’s supposed to feel like you’re sleeping on heaven.

HEIDI: Nice.

ED: I don’t know if you should market your beds as heaven, tho. I bet a lot of people end up feeling pretty guilty for what they’re doing on them.

HEIDI: Ha.

ED: Plus it was a straight-up resort. They had all kinds of shops and bars. You could even get massages and facials and everything. I could have dealt with a massage.

HEIDI: You mean you wouldn’t get a facial?

ED: Pffffft. Come on- I mean, sure, everyone says it’s got lots of protein, but I don’t think I’d be able to get over the taste.

HEIDI: OMG.

ED: Have a great day at work bun.

HEIDI: You too.

*smoochy smooch*

ED: If we weren’t married I would soooo have to stalk the hell out of you.

HEIDI: *feigned swoon* You are so romantic.

ED: Do you ever wish I was normal?

HEIDI: (pause) no, never.

ED: Hm. Yeah. That would suck so bad you’d want to die.

HEIDI: I don’t know if I’d go that far

ED: Admit it. If you had married [normal ex-boyfriend] you’d want to kill yourself. He’s totally normal.

HEIDI: Yeah.

ED: Of course I’d probably want to kill myself too, since I’d have to sleep with both you.

HEIDI: Retard.

On the phone with my stepmom last night, driving home…

STEPMOM: So you guys getting excited?

ED: Holy crap yes. We can’t wait to see the baby.

STEPMOM: How is Heidi feeling? She OK?

ED: Yeah. She just wants the baby out tho.

STEPMOM: Yeah the last month is like that.

ED: YOU STUPID FAT WHORE!

STEPMOM: …

ED: LET ME IN WHORE! LET ME IN! WHAT THE HELL?

STEPMOM: eh…

ED: I’m sorry- there’s an accident ahead in my lane and this chick won’t let me in. I’m sorry you had to hear that.

STEPMOM: No problem. I live with your father.

STEPMOM: (to father) Your son is calling a woman a whore because she won’t let him in her lane.

ED: A fat whore.

STEPMOM: (to father) a fat whore.

ED: It’s different.

FATHER: (in background) That’s my boy!

STEPMOM: You father usually uses a complex system of profanities, gestures and The Stare.

ED: OMG I love his stare- I do it perfect. I even get people in the car to do it in unison as we drive past bad drivers.

STEPMOM: You guys…

ED: There’s the pissed off “hit you in the face with a shovel” stare and of course the slight head-shake in disbelief stare- that one is powerful- i kind of feel bad when i use it sometimes.

STEPMOM: ha.

ED: I don’t even have the window down- this is more for me tho- catharsis.

ED: She is a beastly thing tho- she’s huge- she’s pressed against both front windows of her little Geo Metro. I guess given that it’s doubtful she’s a real whore.

STEPMOM: OMG.

ED: (to lady) I hope you can lip-read you spiteful pig-thing- cause I’m passing you poor overworked car.

ED: Hey you guys have a great night- we’ll call you when Heidi goes into labor.

STEPMOM: Love you guys- bye.

ED: When you were paying, this guy in a grey sweater was totally checking you out

HEIDI: No.

ED: Totally. He looked you up & down several times.

HEIDI: I hate that.

ED: He seemed rather fixated on your butt. At one point he mouthed the words, “oh yeah.”

HEIDI: Holy crap. That’s sick.

ED: Yeah.

HEIDI: Well what did you do?

ED: Kept staring.

HEIDI: Oh hun.

So last night Heidi and I were getting all snuggly, as we often do (we’re so sickeningly affectionate people have to think it’s a front) and- as often does- the snuggletalk began.

ED: Der’s a baby in the ubben.

Heidi: Yet dere id. Der id a baby indere.

ED: And soon id gonna pop out when id done.

Heidi: *Ding*

ED: No, from the videos I think it’s going to sound more like “*gurgle* ggaaAAAAHHHHH AAAAAHHKK!!! DRUGS! I NEED DRUGS!!!! I HATE YOU FOR DOING THIS TO ME! RRRRRUUUUUUURRRRRRGGGHHHH!!!”

HEIDI: thanks.

ED: I wub my widdle bunnybear.

Yes, gentle readers, this is yet another EADC exclusive. Much ado has been brewing over the melee that broke out at Friday’s game between the Indiana Pacers and the Detroit Pistons. Punches were landed, fingers pointed and suspensions dolled out- but could it be that the REAL reason Ron Artest stormed the crowd after being hit by a beer has taken a back seat in favor of media sensationalism? Oh yes, oh yes it has.

Most news agencies have given you their take on the brawl. Most have shown pictures. But none of them was brave enough to give the truth behind it. None, that is, until now.

In an exclusive, tell-all interview directly after the game, Ron Artest told me exactly why he lunged into the stands, taking down the wrong fan. Artest didn’t tell a tale of anger, of vengeance, nor of malice. He told me, and I will now relay it to you in all honesty, a brave account of a quest to save the honor, neh the reverence, that should be given to one of the nation’s greatest treasures.

ED: So you’re telling me that you din’t go into the stands to pummel that fan?

ARTEST: Hell no. I’m a professional, and professionals know how to contain themselves.

ED: Then what in tarnation caused you to run into the stands?

ARTEST: Beer, man.

ED: BEER!?!?!?

ARTEST: Damn straight. You know how much those things cost at the game? Like $21.50 or something. You DON’T throw something like that. You could buy a case for that much. I had to go up there and see what was up.

ED: What?

ARTEST: Yeah. Somehing was obviously wrong with someone who would waste a 22 dollar beer.

ED: Agreed.

ARTEST: SO I figured I’d lend a little star power to his plight, you know. Figured maybe some psychiatrist would see it on TV and lend his services.

ED: Wow, man. You deserve a medal.

ARTEST: Plus, you gotta stand up for beer. It makes the world go round. One guy launches one and gets away with it, everybody might start tossing them all willy nilly. Then we’re thrown into a beer crisis.

ED: Dear lord. Don’t make me imagine that again.

ARTEST: See? I had to go into the stands. People just reacted wrong.

ED: Totally. Like so many humanitarianists- misunderstood in your time.

ARTEST: Well, it feels good knowing I stood up for what’s right.

ED: I’ll do my best to get the story out, brother. Don’t give up the struggle.

ARTEST: For beer and my country!

ED: For beer and my country! This has been an EDADKINS.com exclusive.

Spread the word, people. If we don’t stand up for beer now, we’ll have no one to blame when they take it away.

HEIDI: Did you know the baby can tell the difference between our voices?

ED: From in there? Huh.

HEIDI: Yeah.

ED: That’s nuts.

HEIDI: I wonder what she thinks we look like.

ED: I dunno… organs?

Very, very early this morning…

Heidi: Honey, get up.

Ed: Ung

Heidi: Wake up honey- we have to leave early to vote.

Ed: Bun, do you think you could do me the biggest favor I’ve asked today?

Heidi: Hm.

Ed: Could I go back to sleep please? In my dream I was handing out food and toys to poor orphans.

Heidi: HON-ey…

Ed: And now they’ll starve unless I go back and finish.

Heidi: We have to get up.

Ed: OK, but tomorrow I’ll tell ‘em it was you who made them starve. And I’ll tell ‘em to go to your dream- as MONSTERS. (gets up and heads to shower)

Remember- we must all sacrifice to keep the glorious wheels of democracy turning.

We went to see Sting last night. He was playing with that delightful she-male from the Eurythmics, Annie Lennox, and also guitarist Dominic Miller. If you’re ever in the Sacramento area and someone says “let’s go see a show at the sleep train amphitheatre,” please kill them. In the face. To get there, you must travel through nine towns sets for Deliverance II, bumper-to-bumper, all the while fending off the locals.

It was worth it though. I love Sting in an almost pathetic way. If I were to take up stalking I’d stalk Sting. Not at first, though. I’d have to work up to him. Consider the following conversation that took place betwixt Heidi and me this week. Since pregnancy has turned her body temperature to that of a space shuttle on re-entry, I haven’t been as snuggly lately- which lead to a dream where I left her. Here we were talking about it.

Heidi: That dream sucked. You said I was boring and left me.
Ed: Bunny bear, you never have to worry about that.
Heidi: I know.
Ed: I’d leave you for Jason long before I’d ever leave you for a girl.
Heidi: Pffft! That’s a relief.
Heidi: What about Sting?
Ed: Hmmm… Come on, honey. Don’t make me choose between you. That’s not fair.

Don’t look at me that way. The man just oozes cool. I bet when he spits a loogies they turn into toys for orphans when they hit the ground. Yeah. That cool.

He did a great set. I got to hear “Fragile”, “A Thousand Years” and “Englishman in New York” live, so now that meteor can hit me.

Ed: Um… well, I can’t really tell.
Heidi: It looks like two lines, tho.
Ed: Come on- that one? That one’s really light. It’s more pink. What’s it say about pink?
Heidi: I think I threw out the directions.
Ed: What?
Heidi: Well, I dunno. When I used the first one?
Ed: When was that?
Heidi: The last time I- oooo. It’s pretty red now.
Ed: Gimme that. We don’t even have the directions. Two lines could mean you’re dying. I don’t want that on my head.
Ed: Let’s get another one. It could be a fluke.

(fifteen minutes later)

Heidi: OK, now how long do we wait?
Ed: Um… lessee…. hold in stream…in two minutes, see one blue.. CRAP. how the crap did they manage to make these instructions complicated? You pee, you wait, AAARRRHH.
Heidi: It says three minutes.
Ed: three it is. let’s take a nap.
Heidi: uh?
Ed: For three minutes. (three minutes pass)

Heidi: It looks lika plus.
Ed: Oh come on, it’s really vague. Lets do another.

(five minutes later)
Heidi: Ubuh uhbuh.
Ed: eeeh. ooob. ibbeh.
Heidi: Wow.
Ed: oot.
Heidi: so, uh. wow.
Ed: aich. igggg.
Heidi: baby.
Ed: Wow. Baby. wow.
Ed: Gimme a minute. I’ll be right back, I’m just doing a quick search for “false positives.”
(more…)

Heidi got a body wave the other day. That’s like a perm, guys, but less curly. Here’s the scene later when we’re taking a nap or something.

Heidi: My hair smells nasty, doesn’t it.
Ed: Nah, I’ve been kind of immunized.
Heidi: Eh?
Ed: I had a sister and I gre up in the 80’s.
Heidi: Ahhhh.
Ed: Perms were like a daily occurance.
Heidi: But that was twenty years ago.
Ed: (eyes widen, stares at ceiling)
Ed: Holy crap.

Ed: It’s funny. I’m still kind of discovering my self with the blog, you know? Like, it’s interesting how I’m a different person on the blog lately. More Cynical. It’s like you get to choose what part of you people see.
Heidi: Oh no, that’s you, definitely. That’s the real you. Cynical.
Ed: Yeah.
Heidi: You just do a little better job controlling it in front of people.
Ed: Yeah. I guess I’m a jerk.
Heidi: Deep down.
Ed: Thanks.
Heidi: But you’re sweet too.
Ed: A sweet jerk.
Heidi: My sweet jerk.
Ed: I’ll take that.

You all know her. She’s the bane of my existence. Check-Out Lady From Hell.

Somehow I lose myself about 20 seconds from finishing every single trip to the grocery store by my house. I’m all done picking stuff out and start towards the checkers when I forget that unspeakable horror lurks in aisle 6… the COLFH.

And without thinking I go right for her. I’m not clued in at first cause she has her back to me- plus I’ve already become engrossed in the latest Benn/Jenn/Brad/Ashton/Demi/Paris crap- or perhaps wondering how the Batboy’s face showed up in a cloud over Waco. But wait- what was that?

The Cackle.

Oh this is great. Craptabulous. I’m in the line of the all-time most annoying check-out lady. The type that opens and reads your greeting cards to you. “Ha. yeah, that’s a good one.” A good one? No a good one would be a card that said “Just run the friggin card across the red beam, genius, before the lady behind me beats you with a sack of potatoes.” That would be a good one.

She’s got the hint of a mullet and the most distracting perpetual cold sore in history. She can turn anything into a full-fledged conversation. ANY thing. “Ooooh. A man who knows how to shop. Way to get those savings.” Kindly shut your face-pit COLFH.

Now I looooove to talk. No surprise there. BUT there is a time and place. Yesterday I was in line with 40 pounds of ice. There was one woman in front of me with ONE item- a case of water. Here’s the scene:

COLFH: Hey there- got some water, eh? Well, let’s see if I can find the bar code.
Lady: Umm. yeah.
COLFH: Mmmmm. Got it.
COLFH: Have you seen our extreme special of the day? Bottles of sprite just 69 cents. (stares at bottle) 69 cents. that’s good.
Lady: Nah.

(COLFH stops the transaction to talk to the check out person next to her)

COLFH: (Mindless banter)
Lady: Um I thought the case was $2.99
COLFH: Nope, $3.99
Lady: But I read a circular
COLFH: Naw, Hon, it must’ve ended or something
Lady: It was for today
COLFH: Naw, it’s $3.99
Lady: Hmmmm… You know a dollar is real important to some people. In some countries it means life or death. Now I guess that kid I sponsor in Ethiopia will have to go without for a month.
COLFH: I could show you the circular-
Lady: No, he’ll manage somehow…
COLFH: Here. Let’s go through it together

(They combine their wits in order to finally answer the question nagging us all- can COLFH read?)

COLFH: Well I’ll be- it’s right there. Lemme spend a minute staring at the barcode…
COLFH: It’s definitely the one.
COLFH: Oh wait- the sale starts tomorrow…. ha. wow. that was great.

(I kick down the potato chip display and skewer the COLFH with a flagpole from the Fourth of July display- no wait- I just stand there and fume.)

Lady: I guess I’m just a hair away from retarded.
COLFH: Same here. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m still breathing. Ha ha ha. Whew. Have a great day.

COLFH: Hello sir, wow- that’s a lot of ice. Pretty cold, huh?
Me: (cold stare of a psychopath)
COLFH: Alrighty, is that gonna be it?
Me: You have no idea.
COLFH: Have you seen our ext-
Me: (interrupting with stare of doom) not now.

COLFH: Well all set- you have a great day sir, blah blah blah lot of ice blah blaah hah inane musings blah blah….

Me: sup yo
Him: hey there
Me: how goes it
Him: you know that pic i have of you on my site?
Me: yeah
Him: most people either say one of 2 things
Me: uh oh
Him: 1. WHo took that picture of you?
Me: ha
Him: 2. Is that Tom Green?
Him: funny huh
Me: HAHAHA
Me: thats great
Him: they say the tom green thing more often
Me: figures
Me: They should be saying “who is that sexy hunk of man-meat and how did you get him in your car?”
Him: yeah they should.
Him: but they dont.

See, this story deserves so much more than just “Gas can, cigarette cause car explosion.” How can such a tiny blurb accompanied by a collection of pictures accurately depict such a riviting tale of heroicism and self sacrifice? It can’t. So our investigative reporting team here at EDANDHEIDI.com went down to the scene to interview this brave woman.

ED: For those just tuning in, this is Ed Adkins reporting for EDANDHEIDI.com on an incredible story unfolding in our own Reno, Nevada. I’m here with local heroine, Carol Wall, who I’m told earlier today was set to become the latest Nevadan to recieve the prestigous, “Darwin Award”. Now, I’ve got to speak up, since Mrs. Wall is now 90 percent deaf due to almost killing herself and three other people while attempting to light a cigarette today- a cigarette named “fame”.

Carol: (moderately charred) My car is on fire.

Ed: Now it says here that you are not actually retarded. Isn’t that true Mrs. Wall?

Carol: WHAT? Oh yes- I’m technically not retarded. At least not enough to recieve state funding.

Ed: Now, that is amazing. So you are telling me that earlier today, you put an uncovered gas can in the back of your tiny hatchback and then tried to light a cigarette- without the aid of mental retardation? Amazing.

Carol: Well, I always was a dreamer.

Ed: And to boot- you kept the windows up. I’m supprized you even had the mental ability to ignite your little gas-bomb. Any normal person would have succomb to asphyxiation. What kept you going?

Carol: It wasn’t easy, Mr. reporter man. A couple times I came real close to just takin a nap-

Ed: While driving?

Carol: You can’t take little things like that into account when you’re going for the gold, friend. My eyes were on the prize- that shiny Darwin thingy just a’ gleamin’ on my mantle.

Ed: Or the mantle of your next of kin, naturally. Woman you are an inspiration. Here’s to your next attempt at greatness. On location in Reno, this has been Ed Adkins with an exclusive segment of EDANDHEIDI. Back to the newsroom.

Special shout-out to Jerz & Mrs. Jerz for the article.

(An exerpt from an internal dialogue from earlier today)

EGO: That’s my man.

Last night we were about to crash and I struck up a little conversation about aging- It went something like this:

Ed: We’re going to live forever, you know. (The happier life gets together the more terrified I am about one of us having to outlive the other. Neurotic, I know. I think it has to do with all Heidi’s stories from the retirement home.)

Heidi: What?!

Ed: When we get rich and famous. We’ll be able to live forever.

Heidi: You can’t do that. Even if we get rich.

Ed: Oh yes. By the time we’re rich, you’ll be able to buy it. They’re making these anti-aging pills. I bet only the rich will be able to afford them.

Heidi: But you won’t be able to live forever.

Ed: Ahhh, but at least long enough that death will be a welcomed release.

Heidi: You’re retarded.