Holy Ever-Loving Mother Of Crap.

Joss Whedon needs to get a sex change. Then he needs to have a baby with Robert Rodriquez.

The product of this union must then be promised to my daughter in holy matrimony.

I have yet to talk this over with Heidi but I’ve never heard her actually express any problem with arranged marriages. Several of her family members believe she was forced into marrying me, so there shouldn’t be much of a ruckus over it.

I can’t speak for people with, say, friends, or you know, any semblance of social skills- but fans of Whedon are guaranteed multiple orgasms watching this movie. (Think carefully before using this as a first date- it could go either way.)

People who didn’t watch Buffy, Angel and Firefly with near-religious fervor- I think you’ll love the movie was well, but honestly I couldn’t care less- to me you are something less than human.

BTW, someone at Fox has got to be swinging from a rope above their desk right now for totally butt-raping Firefly when it originally aired. They showed it out of sequence, pre-empted most of the episodes with sports and didn’t even show the pilot until the end. And now look at it.

The movie is getting has earned rave reviews.

They were so friggin positive it would rock they invited bloggers to the press screenings. That’s balls.

It has everything- intense action, great effects, tons of humor, and yes- no character is safe. A few of the usual formulaic Hollywood rules were broken.

I think one person who has to be disappointed though is George Lucas. Serenity/Firefly has now almost single-handedly revived the Sci-Fi genre after George had worked to hard to kill it with the last 3 Star Wars.

Serenity Website
“Joss Whedon Is My Master Now” Shirt at Thinkgeek.com
Bloggers Invited to Press Screening Of Serenity
Serenity Reviews

Robert Rodgriquez, if I wasn’t already married to the most perfect woman in all creation, with a baby so cute all who see her weep at her presence- then I swear I would turn gay and stalk you until you loved me the way I now love you.

Sin City was perfect. Every single frame. No one has ever before nor will anyone ever again be able to compare to the absolute perfection that Sin City is.

And don’t get me started about Frank Miller. He just touches comic books and they turn to gold. It’s rumored that if just his shadow falls upon you as he passes, you become a kickass superhero for a day. His level of genius was clearly not meant for this plane.

The bar has been raised. Finally, for the first time someone made a comic-based movie and did it EXACTLY as good as the source material. As soon as I knew that Rodriguez was helming it, and that he had miller along to make sure it was perfect (even if it got him kicked out of the director’s guild which is so cool) I’ve been fighting a constant 24 hour chub.

From what I hear, everyone involved in the Fantastic Four, Daredevil and Cat Woman are being rounded up and shot.

Constantine

Three out of five if you’ve read the comic.

3.5 if you haven’t.

Of course I always bring a flask of whiskey since there’s NO way I’m paying 8.50 for less than 4 stars- and 5 oz. of jack always adds a star.

They did a good job capturing the mood of Hellblazer. That’s about it.

Unfortunately the mood can’t carry two-plus hours… or make up for the fact that Keanu couldn’t even attempt a British accent- he used his first chance up on Gary Oldman’s Dracula.

Ultimately what they failed in is what the comics always got right. they didn’t tell a good story. Luckily I had Mr. Daniel’s to make up for that- I just paid attention to the pretty pictures and the explosions and stuff.

See it at your own risk. I’d say it’s worth it as a matinee. Otherwise go read a great Constantine tale they loosely based it on. It kicks way, way, way more ass than Hollywood was apparently ready to.

After finally watching City of God (Cidade de Deus) last night I have one thing to say. We have no more use for Martin Scorsese. While he keeps making junk movies with that DiCaprio chick, two people I’ve never heard of made the coolest gangster flick to come out in the last 15 years. De Palma can also feel free to hang up his gloves.

City of God is real. It is gritty. It doesn’t have the suicidally annoying banter of Joe Pesci.

But the real kicker is what the Directors, Fernando Meirelles and Kátia Lund, did for the locals. They were so into using the real kids who live in the frightening conditions in the film that they cast and trained the local rugrats. Then, when it dawned on them how great of an experience it was for the kids, they established an acting school for them that’s still going on.

Rent the movie. Now. And totally fuggetabout everything you were taught about gangster films.

I talked to an Oompa Loompa last night.

I asked him what his thoughts were on the remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. He said (excuse his french) that he was pissed that Tim Burton wasn’t using little people this time. He said it looked like it was going to be rather darker too. But he said he’s a sucker for Johhnny Depp and Tim Burton, so he’ll go see it anyway. I agreed. Bummer he couldn’t get a cameo, tho.

He asked what we were seeing.

“Closer”

His face got all happy like I just told him some really choice gossip. He leaned in and said, “oh yeah. That one’s really good. Dark, but good.”

He was right. It’s dark, sexy, funny, angry and sad. The writing had me too, there’s about one classic line every five minutes.

There was one snag- Jude Law leaves Natalie Portman for Julia Roberts. That requires a bit more suspension of disbelief than most of the special effects in Star Wars, but I shook it off eventually.

Anyway, go see it if you get the chance- ’cause Uncle Eddie recommends it.

Dudes, looking for a quick & easy shortcut to looking like a total fruit? Go see Finding Neverland. Serious. I cried all my mascara off. All of it. Like I told Shugs, it’s not that it’s the best movie you’ve ever seen, it’s just that it finds a way to touch the boy inside you. That’s horrible- I know.

Not many of us can point to the exact moment we grew up. That’s reserved for special people lucky enough to experience horrible trauma. But most of us can recall a time or two we were confronted with the death of our inner child. The first time you cought yourself telling kids to stop enjoying themselves. The fist time you heard yourself saying, “what is that crap the kids listen to these days,” or perhaps the first time you killed a cuddly little animal just for sport.

Finding Neverland is about a misunderstood celebrity and artistic genius whose longing to reconnect to his lost childhood leads him to spend abnormal amounts of time with little boys, and have trouble relating to most adults. Some amount of scandal ensues. And Michael Jackson always thinks he’s soooo ahead of his time. Silly.

Anyway, go see the movie. I’m gonna go head to the bath with a bunch of candles and a trashy novel. Hellooooo! *snaps overhead in an exaggerated arch*

“…nobody associated with making this movie can possibly emerge unscathed.” -Bob Longino, Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

End of movie. You either (1) feel ashamed and used for having not only allowed the theater to do this to you, but also you paid them money, OR (2) you’re like “ooooohhh Butter-fly effect! OMG that makes sooooo much sense!” Either way you can’t stop thinking about how life could be if you could turn back time.

Although many are not privy to it, I have many close, personal relationships with many Hollywood stars. Just so that all of you who don’t hob-nob with major celebrities can catch a glimpse of how blindingly cool my life is, I’ve decided to include a snippet from a recent interview I did with one Mr. John Cusack…

ED: Thanks for stopping by, friend.

John: Yeah, sure man. No problem- my car wil be done soon, right?

ED: That brings me to an important question, Lane.

John: John

ED: It’s Ed, Lane. You forget your fans, so quickly? Just like you forget how to fix your own car, Lane?

John: I think you have me confused with someone else. My name is John Cusack.

ED: Oh I remember names just fine, LANE, just like I remember seeing you fix your Camaro in Better off Dead!

John: Ohhhhhh. OK, you mean the part I played in the movie. Thanks, it’s always nice to meet a fan. I’ve really got to be go- (trying to side step me for the door)

ED: (blocking the way) What’s the hurry, Lane- Or should I say Lloyd? Oh.. What’s wrong, tough guy- What- you gonna try a little of your kick-boxing on me? Huh? (akwardly makes dodging moves)

John: What?

ED: Or are you gonna just hold up a boom box ’til I just forget I’m even mad and fall back in love with you?

John: It was just a movie, man. Now get outta my way.

ED: Hey man, you can’t just brush me aside. I remember when you were just some wierd infra-red goggle wearing geek, man! Remember? Huh? Or back when you drew all those stupid comics? And who kept their mouth shut when you found all that money? Huh? That’s right, Gib, you’d never have made it cross-country without me.

John: I just want to get my car. It only needed an oil change.

ED: You just can’t keep track of things, can you? Lose your car, lose your girlfriend on some Tropical Island, what next, Dan?

John: Look, what do you want? Money? An autograph? Just let me out of this room!

ED: Hey, what ever you want, Ivan Alexeev!!!

John: OMG! I had no idea anyone saw that one! Man, I loved making that… wait… Tapeheads!

ED: Dude! I just watched it on DVD the other day! It was like 5 bucks at Kmart!

John: Wow! I didn’t even know it was on DVD. Wow. That was the first time I worked with that nut Tim Robbins- we were nuts. Wasn’t it shot so cool? And that video for the chicken place? OMG that cracks me up still! Jeez. Man. And what was up with my hair?

ED: And the mustache? That thing was straight outta whack.

John: Man, thanks for letting me know that movie’s still out there. We ticked off the reporters and it ended up not getting any press. Otherwise it would’ve been a hit. Man, I know it.

Ed: Just like One Crazy Summer?

John: Touche.

Ed: They can’t all be gems. Here’s your keys. Keep it real, G.

John: Peace out, Mah Brutha. (we exchange the manly pat-hug and he’s gone)

This is a very, very sad movie. It’s not a “sad comedy” like the cover says- it’s a SAD SAD thing- so be warned. It stars Philip Seymour Hoffman as a man who turns to huffing gasoline in order to avoid the incredible loss he feels over his wife committs suicide. OK, I could understand how that wouldn’t seem like the feel-good-hit of the summer. It isn’t. I said it was very, very sad. But it offers a view of what can happen to almost anyone who turns to the wrong stuff to deal with loss- it also gives you a lot to be grateful for. If you’ve had enough romantic comedies (Sandra Bullock/Jennifer Lopez/Cameron Diaz ends up with Hugh Grant/Ben Affleck/Matthew McConaughey), or cop buddy flicks (he’s black and from the wrong side of the tracks/a seasoned veteran, and he’s from a white upper-class family/the new hotshot rookie- but they become best of friends while foiling the assassination attempt/kidnapping/drug shipment) it’s a good rent.

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