The problem with reality TV isn’t the drama, it isn’t the fact that most of it’s staged, and it isn’t the fact that the majority of these people are ghetto enough to qualify as Springer material. The problem is the Prize. None of these shows gives them what they really need. Sure, they get a few bucks- or I guess one of them does. But, let’s face it- if they were the kind of person who could make or save that kind of money they wouldn’t have whored themselves on national TV for it. It’s as good as gone.

What they need is a show where they get something they really need. How ’bout next time we round up 60 men and women to flaunt their insecurities, get into petty fights and totally pretend to become head-over-heals, smear-your-mascara, catfight-in-the-hot-tub in love with someone- we give them the chance to win what they really need: dignity.

Man, reality TV continues to find societal lows that neither Reality nor TV could ever hope to reach alone. MTV has now got this show, “I Want A Famous Face,” documenting what they call a phenomenon of people getting plastic surgery to look like celebs. First, how big does something have to be before it’s called a phenomenon? Six people? Does a bakers dozen qualify as an epidemic? Perhaps I missed it when all my friends went under the knife to look like movie stars. Reality is becoming an increasingly diluted word.

The message is by no means subtle- “plastic surgery is now officially out.” Ya think? But, is this really the best you could do? Um… I dunno. Maybe show a few less image augmentation spokespeople? Hello, I believe you spawned Jenny Macarthy and Carmen Electra. Now you’re telling us that what you probably pressured hundreds of more like them to do in the past may not be good for the rest of us?

So far most of the show’s subjects don’t go for the famous face as much as the famous boobs, but still the concept is freakshow. You cant help but shiver when you see high-schoolers going under the knife to fit some warped stereotype. Now, I’m not saying the show isn’t worth watching. It’s very much like a nasty car accident you get a chance to rubberneck. It’s disturbingly interesting and it fills you with a profound sense of safety that you missed getting involved.

It kind of becomes a game too- at least for me. I try to figure out just which of Mr. Potato Head’s parts they’re going to try to inject or place inside or cut off of said subject in order to make the transformation. The next episode looks to have this twig of a guy who wants to look like Jennifer Lopez. Thanks MTV. I’ve never felt so content being me.

Update: It looks as if FOX (surprise surprise) is trying to outdo them. (swan) Stop this crazy thing.

“You Know What I Mean?”

There, my friends, is a trap. Eeeeevile: as in the frewets of the devile- eeeeeevil. What are my choices?

Either:
A. Yes, I agree with everything you just said. or…
B. I am a complete retard who cannot comprehend a word that came out of your mouth.

We all have at least one friend who ends every opinion with that phrase. How do you counter it? I’ve tried a few like “…well, I understand what you’re saying…” But nothing seems to send the message home that while I don’t agree with you it doesnt mean that what you said was so incredibly deep that I had no hope of grasping its meaning.

You’re tricky, you people. I have my eye on you if you know what I mean.

Whassup Now!??!?!? Huh? What’s up now?!? Seattle is OUR HOUSE! OUR HOUSE!!!!!!

I’ve always dug Stern. I’m not about to defend him though. His stuff can be straight nasty and people can take great offense- and that’s exactly where he likes to nestle his nearly-intellectual-common-sense-type-common-man views. He says what most people are thinking. Guys like that love their own opinion and love controversy. We like to think we have the market cornered on clear thinking and when people cry about how the message is presented it provides exactly the type of cover we need- we can always say that you really dissagree with the presentation- deflecting the attack from the message.

It’s obvious that while Stern is mad right now, he’s getting exactly what he wants. But, it is by no means a fight for freedom of speach. That’s a vehicle he’s placed this battle inside in order to get the masses (search blog and stern) to bundle Stern and Freedom. (dont beleive me? since when does YM love Stern?)

He is presented over a federally regulated medium. The big bucks for a nationally syndicated talk show also come with playing by their rules. He knows them. Everyone else on radio knows them. Plenty of his peers would love to ignore them and play the bad-boy straight-shooter too, but they don’t. Clearchannel took him off- the FCC just fines him. He knew that people were in a fuss over indecency and he went ahead and pushed the limits anyway. I think he got beat at the game and now he’s mad. Thats exactly what we’d expect from Stern. Clearchannel also got hefty fines for their other programs but no one is claiming foul play in those cases.

In Stern’s case, he played chicken with the FCC and lost- a gamble he was sure to lose. Once the stormclouds gathered over the superbowl “malfunction,” it was either have a standoff or lose some of his trademark style. He’s a smart guy- he knew this was an opportunity he could exploit.

(Oh and let me say that the whole brouhaha over the “broach flashed round the world” had to be a plan too. Those shows had gotten so utterly horrible (Diana Ross, not U2) that they had torch it and begin anew- now next year people will be all excited to see the “new and improved HTS.”)

So he planned on losing and crafted a way to turn it from an L to a W. Turn it from Howard getting slapped for breaking the rules to a devestating blow to the common man. Sure he’s ticked that he’s not more powerful than the Federal Govt., but he gets much more press, CC gets to look like they slapped the naughty Stern, and he gets to emerge even more popular from the storm this creates. Like I said, it’s what we’d expect from Howard- this is how the man operates and people love him for it.

I swear, I could take a brand new car down to the brakes place and they’d tell me the rotors were shot.

I think that 95% of the blogging community is terrified to express any opinion other than atheistic lefty bush-hating homo crap. It’s just like college.

The problem is further exasperated when their only opposition is the other 5% who have their heads stuck so far up the far right’s butt they can’t pose one serious, creative or truly critical thought.

Which is why I stick to humorous, rather than political commentary.

I think it’s pretty retarded that people are so adamant about making sure gay people can’t get married.

There aren’t a bunch of gay guys somewhere all ticked off about my marriage, I’m not about to get all worked up over theirs.

It’s funny, the soapboxes people pick. With all the sham weddings out there and freakin’ morons having kids and boatloads of divorces, it’s kind of nice to see a group who at least thinks marriage is something important. I mean, it’s not like they’ll be dating my daughter or anything, but come on- ease up on it people. There’s gotta be a better soapbox…

update (2/26) seanbonner posted this (funny): 12 reasons against gay marriage.

The band The Darkness needs to fall down a well.

Can I get a witness?

Jerz just settled something for me. I’ve been trying to put something to words for a while, but it’s sat on the backburner ’til it had some substance. Simply put, jerks tend to react to vehicles the same as they do alchohol. Both, when in the hands of a jerk become a personality amplifier. Jerz summed up the reason for me when discussing the use of the middle finger:

“it tends to get used only when there is an easy, impersonal barrier between the two parties.”

That’s it. Both automobiles and alchohol act as buffers between the user and their enviornment. In both cases jerks feel indestructible. This realizaiton not only explains people who cut you off, drive slow in the left lane, or steal your parking space, but also idiots who try to start fights at shows or clubs.

So, with this connection made, I ask SHOULD STUPID DRIVERS GET DUIs? YES. Oh, for the love of all thats good and holy, yes. It’s the ultimate solution.

I JUST GOT TEXT-MESSAGE SPAM ON MY PHONE!!! Arrrrgggghhhhhh! What the heck. Man! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr. OK. Back to work.

Dangit. It’s been just two days since I caved and She’s already planned that by Satuday we’ll have a cat. Crap, crap, crap. Crap plus one. Man, I’ve lived through cats before. There was the deformed six-toed psycho-cat, the insane pregnant cat that had a thing for stealing steak and spraying crap on the wall- need I go on? Cats are useless, conceited, wretched, hairy beasts who wouldn’t think twice before eating you if you died. They just perch on the fridge and stare smugly down at you. Dogs, man. Now there’s a pet you can trust. You sit down to watch television and they’re like “so, whats say you pet me, eh?” That’s it. If they’re fed and walked and you occasionally throw them some attention they like you. Like me.

So I’ve come up with a few rules for this “pet” as follows:

1. It must never enter the bedroom. It has got to be one of the lamest things to have the cat sleep in your bed, Thats something the Bradys would do.
2. I don’t have to learn it’s name. Cats don’t come when you call, so why bother. Whatever colorful nickname I come up with at the time will suffice.
3. If it gets real sick, I’m not paying for some superexpensive vet bill. They make new cats all the time; we’ll just get a new one.
4. I can torment it. Why have a hell-beast like that if you can’t have a little fun… like “kitty darts” or “feline bowling?”
5. One word: de-clawed.

I’m a fair man. I think this cat and me, we’ll get along just fine. Or else it’ll besome the “other white meat.”

At the retreat this week I made a grave mistake. We had to do those “explain yourself in one minute” deals (57 seconds, thank you) and I was mentioning my penchant for humor. Figured I’d just get that out of the way first- “Hey, I think I’m funny.” I mentioned that I had done a bit of stand-up. What a mistake. I’ve mentioned it before and no one has ever cared; it was a dream realized, but it’s not my life’s work.

The whole time everyone was trying their best to get me to perform on command. Forget that. I’m not being anyone’s little joke-monkey. I like to make jokes; in fact I have considerable trouble holding it in, therefore they pop out all day. But when someone is like “Dance, joke-monkey, dance!” I can’t take it. Not to mention, once pigeon-holed into that label it’s near-impossible for anyone to see you as anything BUT the joke-monkey.

Humor is a good friend and probably the only thing that got me through highschool alive. It’s what I use to frame my reality, and the vehicle through which I connect with people, but I can’t stand just being the funny guy. Of course, I say this now, but go somewhere with me and in ten minutes you’ll wonder where I am. I’m probably up on a table with 20 people around me, jumping around to the tune of “Dance, joke-monkey, dance!”

I was looking at info on this “Hate Bush” meeting held a week ago, and it seems to crystallize a few trends I’ve noticed:

1. People often confuse Liberalism w/Intellectualism. “Hey look at me- I’m smart cause I hate President Bush.”
2. What people assume to be “liberal” thinking is often extremely oppressive. “What!?!?!? You mean your pro-life?!?!?! What kind of monster are you!?!?!”

Now, let me make a couple things clear: I do not consider myself a staunch conservative. I also refrain from aligning myself blindly with any one political stance. I just have an eye for stupid, and when it rears its head I like to point it out. I also have nothing against a good protest. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that protesting is a talent I was born with. What I don’t respect is the whole “let’s always poke fun at the right” bandwagon. It’s not genuine.

So I was thinking, why is it that Hollywood loves to play “political rally” so much? I get this picture of Tim Robbins, Danny Glover, Janeane Garofalo and Al Franken holding hands and doing a march on Detroit to end SUV production. Behind them, all the Seattle WTO protestors are trying desperately to get arrested in front of photographers. Why do they do it? Is it because they know that today’s youth will follow them anywhere to seem intellectual? Is it b/c they need to bring meaning to their lives?

Personally, I think that Washington brought it on themselves, way back with the whole Red Scare/Blacklist deal. Either way, you can bet this whole Liberal = Intellectual thing is gonna fuel more posts here than the Chihuahuas.

While I’m in the mood to rant- WHAT THE HECK HAS HAPPENED TO 24? Last season it drew me in with it’s suspense and intrigue, and that cool blip blip blip every time it shows the clock. So who decided it should become Speed 2? Last season it was always lets say, creative, with it’s take on reality- this season it’s all, “Where’s Jack Bauer? Oh there he is, He’s hijacked a cruise liner and he’s flying it into the secret mountain base of the drug smuggling clowns and their APOCALYPTIC music-pirating scheme! Go Jack!“ Ptooey.

There is one gem on TV though, that new show Arrested Development. Sharp wit, crative storyline, and nicely thought-out characters. Which all means it’ll prolly last another two shows before FOX cans it like they did the Andy Richter Show. Double Pitooey. Anyone ever see Police Squad? It only lasted about eight episodes because it was deemed “too intelligent” for primetime. That makes sense.

Note: someone at FOX must be asleep at the wheel because A/D got picked up for a whole season! WoHoo! I also heard they may pick the Family Guy back up- oh it’s a Christmas Miracle.

This idiot guy who was just doing his job woke us up at 3AM. It appears that THATS the best time for using a nuclear powered leaf blower to clean the parking lot of the supermarket by our house. I was mesmerized. I was drawn to the sound like a moth- half enraged and half intrigued. How could he get away with this? The crazy lady across the street screams at us if we fart on the way from the car to the house, and here this guy is using his industrial noisemaker and Heidi and I are the only one’s who can’t sleep.

Something must be done about this. I’ll keep you posted.

Well, being married has forced me to make real meals, so everything is pretty new. I bought a whole bunch (one bunch) of spinach the other day, and decided I would cook some fresh spinach for Ed and I. Well…I used half of it, cut off the stems, rinsed off all the mud, and steamed it. I thought “this will be plenty, we’ll have some leftovers”. Well, to my despair, I opened the lid and didn’t see the spinach! That whole bunch of spinach boiled down to a tiny little bite of cooked spinach! What in the world? All that work for just a little spinach! It wasn’t even enough for the both of us! How come no one ever told me this! Why do they even sell fresh spinach? What a crock! What’s the point? For a family of four, you’d have to buy about 5 bunches of spinach! Sorry, but this really disturbed me… I might be forced to buy it frozen (YUCK!)
Maybe I should ask the Spinach Lady what she thinks…

They should all be hunted down and disposed of. Some day I’ll tell ya’ll about the time I became an afternoon snack for one of those hell-spawn, but for now just read this chilling story. And yes, I hate them more that Chihuahuas. Much, much more. They are worthless pathetic beasts of things that only seem appropriate when chewing truck tires in rap videos. Landfill. Pitooey. I am finished.

When they said that in Wayne’s World, all us Delawarians began to applaud. Then we realized they were making fun of us. It set in. We’re the Chihuahua of states; See, even Rhode Island has a few things to be proud of like an Ivy League school, all their New England buddies… all we got is Pumpkin Chunkin (see previous posts). We couldn’t take it.

“Forget you, Wayne!”
“Yeah, we don’t need you- stupid SNL-skit-come-lately.”
“Yip yip yip yip yip.”

It wasn’t pretty. We were the first state ratified by the constitution, you know. FIRST. Yet people still think we’re part of Maryland. It’s funny living in the Desert now, too. People are always saying, “You live in New Hampshire, right?” Sure.

Well, enjoy your Thanksgiving no matter what state you live in folks. We’re having a great time in the big 302 with the fam.