This story totally explains what totally ticks me off about people. Science teacher wants to teach the kids something that’s not boring. He says, “hey, if you drink too much milk, the body can’t handle the acids and you puke.” Kids say, “No way teacher.” He gets volunteers to drink milk. A lot of milk. A few puke. Right on teach; I wish I was in your class. BUT, the story takes a dramatically stupid turn! Later that night at little Johnny’s house…

Mother: Johnny, you need to finish your mush.

Johnny: I’m still kinda full- I drank a gallon of milk today.

Mother: Why would you do something silly like that?

Johnny: It was for science class. It was really cool, it made me puke all over the place!

Mother: WHAT?!?! The teacher made you puke?

Johnny: Calm down Mom, it’s just because the human body reacts to the extraordinary amount of acid in that much milk. I didn’t believe him, but it’s true- look at my shoes!

Mother: WHAT?!?!? You took acid in science class??!!??

Johnny: No, the acid is in milk-

Mother: HE PUT ACID IN YOUR MILK?!?!??!

Johnny: Mommmmm, chill out- it was for an experiment.

Mother: Well, no son of mine is taking acid-laced milk in science class! I’m calling the principal!

Johnny: Oh crap.

Mother: (on phone) Hello? Is this principal Skinner?

Prin. Skinner: (recording) Hello, you have reached the skinner residence. My phone lines are a bit tied up right now with angry mothers, but I will try to get back to you. If you are an angry mother, please rest assured- I am not going to look into the reasons why the teacher gave your children milk. That would take the same kind of critical thought that we discourage in school these days, and besides, it takes much less effort to just replace him. What is important is that starting Monday your children will be learning from some burnout who could care less about challenging their intellect. Thanks for calling. *beep*

Mother: Well, that takes care of that! Eat your mush dear before it gets cold.

OK, so I don’t consider myself a Nitpicker, and I’m not obsessed with Movie Mistakes, but there are a few things I just can’t digest about the second and third Matrix movies. Suspension of disbelief is essential especially in Sci-Fi movies, and I feel that certain inconsistencies in the latter two movies totally ruined it for me. The list is by no means exhaustive, so feel free to add your own in the comments.

• For some reason Neo can fly so fast cars explode when he goes by… but Morpheus fares just as well as him against an agent- on top of a moving truck.

• They have machines as tall as sky scrapers each with enough firepower to take out a large country, yet the only clothes they can produce are thermal underwear.
• Apparently everyone in the future is young and gorgeous. Except for the tribunal of twelve ancient people who fell out of a Benneton ad.
• They can’t make decent doors for their cave dwellings, but they have some sort of massive sound system for their huge underground raves.
• They have these huge ships that are way more advanced than our space shuttles, yet they are stuck on earth because they can only hover.

Reality TV is absolutely ridiculous. I haven’t been able to stand it since its inception- “The Real World.” I just couldn’t get over the title. Let’s put a bunch of selfish attractive young people with negligible intelligence and tiny world-views together in a huge day-glo apartment where all furniture, rent and food is paid for and tape them as they go out clubbin’. I’ll choose bizzaro-world, thank you.

This story tells you just how low it’s currently sunk. “Hey guys? Wanna compete for the affections of an oddly low-voiced gal with a heck of a throwing arm and a suspiciously large adam’s apple?” “HA! Joke’s on you- she’s a HE!!!” Entertainment. My prediction is that we’re about one season away from the apocalypse.

I’ve prepared a list of new reality show ideas. Please add your ideas to the list via the comments section and we’ll do a poll next month to determine the favorite. The winner will receive a DVD and I will personally compose a letter to Endemol to pitch the idea for your show. Here goes…

• Escape From a Deadly Prison Riot: 10 contestants and 3,000 angry felons. Hijinks ensue.

• Respect Your Elders: Spend a season watching two stark white Mormon missionaries attempt to convert a housing project in Compton.
• Cat Got My Tongue: A heartwarming cast of doctors, nurses and specialists assist Roy Horn recover from a devastating tiger attack. See the softer side of Siegfried Fischbacher.
• The Real Baghdad: Contestants try to hold up against the persuasion tactics of Saddaam’s ex-secret police- all for fame and fortune.
• The Homeless Eye: Five former Enron managers pick a different famous executive each week and teach him hard skills like dumpster diving and squatting.
• I’m With Kim Chong: A cameraman and a quirky host hang out with sadistic ruthless dictator of North Korea- lots of laughs.

By any means possible. I’m serious as Ebola, here, folks. There’s a crisis that cannot be avoided- one that is threatening to destroy the very fabric of this great nation. What, you ask, poses this great threat?

Those stupid Old Navy Commercials. AARRRHRGGGG- DANGIT it makes me crazy just thinking about those things. They’re a blight on popular culture- a weeping sore infecting primetime television. And no one’s safe, either. I can avoid Friends, Hollywood Squares and JAG, but these things come out of nowhere like a pimp slap of tacky.

That new Fran Dresher one is disgusting. When I have kids they’re watching PBS or something before I ever let them get exposed to crap like this. The Morgan Fairchild Hew Haw ones actually caused vomiting and seizures for kids in Kentucky from what I hear.

I just wonder what kind of sad shape does your career have to be in before you sell your soul and dignity to these guys? Especially for the “men” on these things- It’s gotta be like having the tape of your “urinary incontinence mishap” win on America’s Funniest Home Videos. These commercials are the only thing that makes the Queer Eye guys go, “OMG That’s SO gay.”

Any way, I’m no fan of these things and I found a couple people who agree here and here. If you also feel strongly about ensuring the survival of our species, you can go here and beg them to be pulled from the air.

It’s something I’ve always struggled with in education- why don’t they teach more basic social skills? It may sound unnessicary, but think about how many people just don’t connect with those simple concepts like “don’t spit your food all over the place when you speak” or “people don’t like being around you if you are a total butt to them”? It’s amazing. I come across so many people who just don’t seem to pick up on what the whole world sees in them.

I was talking to a freind of mine the other day who couldn’t understand why colleges require students to take a liberal arts core of classes. “I know what classes I need- I don’t need to take stupid stuff like psychology- that’s a joke.” Now, there were courses I wish I didn’t have to take, but some of my psych classes and sociology classes were incredibly helpful. And the vast majority of people desperately need them. I’m talking about Interpersonal Communication, Social Psychology, and Cultural Communicaion- and my favorite, Abnormal Behavior. I soooo wish half the people I’ve ever worked around took Organizational Behavior- it was basically psychology of the workplace.

The point of all this is that we’ve all got a lot to learn about interaction with others. I dig stuff like the personality test because it tells you a little something about yourself and your neighbor. Usually the person who feels they have all that stuff down would learn a lot from an informal poll of the people closest them. Here’s a couple more things I found on the personality types:

• Explanation of the 16 Types

• Learning Styles of the 16 Types
• This Movie Thing about the 16 Types

I didn’t check the movie thing out but it looks kinda cool. If anyone downloads it lemme know how it is. Oh, by the way- my regular biting sarcasm should be back on monday.

There, I said it. I remember the birth of MTV, in all it’s glory. We sat wide-eyed as the rocket took off and the guitar wailed in the background. This was our channel, playing our music- so forget the man- he could never understand this- let him watch sixty minutes! But little did we know- we were all fooled. MTV is the pet of the man.

Remember when bands had loyal followings? When you couldn’t wait for your favorite band to play a show in your area? The band was yours- and you liked them because they were talented, worked hard, and built a fanbase. Now, bands pop up for a second all over the place and then they are gone. MTV made Limp Bizkit possible and for that I will never forgive them. It was because of them that Ozzie Osborne was nominated parent of the year and the Newlyweds is considered entertainment. They tell us what quality music is, and most of us swallow it whole, with our only criteria being, “was it on TRL?”

Now it’s not MTV’s fault really. They are merely a tool of the man, made to sell records- and they have become marvelously efficient at that. Not to mention- they couldn’t sell the records and play the shows if it weren’t for the brainwashed masses who herd into the stores to buy the latest from Avril Lavigne. But like most everything else market driven, they have sacrificed the future for present profits. SO I wonder- what will dethrone the MTVerse? What glorious savior will enter into the horizon to usher the people back to real, true musical culture? Oh- wait! There IS an answer! A real, honest music station, MTV2!

To compliment yesterday’s discourse on the disenchantment of kids today, I have yet another study to report. This one says that the youth of today doesn’t see importance in politics or voting. I may have found the reason why. My advice? First, fire Dick Cheney’s dad from the position of webmaster.

Apparently, One-Third of Teens Would Act Unethically to Get Ahead (see link). Of course another quarter said they “weren’t sure” (translation: “are you sure my parents aren’t going to read my answers?”) That puts the true number somewhere around half I guess. Half of teenagers would act unethically to get ahead. Now, I would bet that what they don’t tell you is that it goes up to about 95% somewhere around college graduation.

You would think that people would learn from watching the Enrons and Worldcoms of the world, but then again the S&L bailouts of the eighties only seemed to teach us the importance of smarter cheating (can you say Clinton? He learned his PR tricks from Reagan). Michael Milken was hired as a business consultant immediately out of prison. (This is hilarious- but true.)

What about it? Is the question “would you act unethically,” or is it, “how much would it take for you to act unethically?” Or is it “If you knew you wouldn’t get caught…” Whatever the case, it’s a pretty hairy issue. I think everyone would like to think of themselves as an ethical, but it can be awfully difficult these days to find someone who puts ethics above their own personal gain. Don’t count tomorrow’s youth out, though; also according to the study, 56% believe that ethical people achieve more. What do you think? Are we heading towards more ethical times, or less?

It’s gone far enough. What has, you ask? A sick and disturbing trend in American Culture. An Abomination- a desecration of what should be a sacred event. People have taken something magical, something beautiful and are in ever-increasing numbers smearing it with filth. They make it a dirty thing- a thing to be despised.

What is this of which I speak? I’m talking about people who talk during movies. Yes, I have gone there. What the heck are they thinking? I went to a horror flick last weekend and the audience would not shut up for a second! It’s not just horror flicks though- it’s everything. They cheer, boo, yell out comments to the screen or just about anything.

Do you remember the roar of clapping when Yoda got all sick-wicked on the bad guy in Star Wars Episode I? Who the heck are they clapping for? IT IS A MOVIE- MOOOOOVIIEE. Not a play.

At the movie last weekend, the guy next to me kept reading everything he saw on the screen. I’m sure he meant well, trying to help the rest of us illiterates enjoy the movie too. He also supplemented the film with play-by-play commentating, spewing out jewels like “Daaaang, he got hiz heead cut rite off!” and “Dat ain’t scary, dat ain’t scary…” and who could forget “She go in dere an’ she gon’ get keewed.”

To those who participate in this debasement of American Cinema, I beg you- buy a DVD player and stay home. Yes, I know you think you are adding to the film’s entertainment value, and No, I dont know why the director failed to hire you on as a narrator, but the fact remains that he didn’t. Why do you feel that you have to do this? Do you need attention or a sense of belonging or something? The theater is not the place for your cry for help.

I pay $8.50 because I want to see and hear the movie- sans commentary. When you enter the theater, be aware that it is a place of refuge for some- an escape from reality, from crying babies, ringing cel phones, and perhaps from you. Accept it. Learn to enjoy it for what it is. And for the sake of all that’s good and holy let me too.