The Beer Heard Round the World

Yes, gentle readers, this is yet another EADC exclusive. Much ado has been brewing over the melee that broke out at Friday’s game between the Indiana Pacers and the Detroit Pistons. Punches were landed, fingers pointed and suspensions dolled out- but could it be that the REAL reason Ron Artest stormed the crowd after being hit by a beer has taken a back seat in favor of media sensationalism? Oh yes, oh yes it has.

Most news agencies have given you their take on the brawl. Most have shown pictures. But none of them was brave enough to give the truth behind it. None, that is, until now.

In an exclusive, tell-all interview directly after the game, Ron Artest told me exactly why he lunged into the stands, taking down the wrong fan. Artest didn’t tell a tale of anger, of vengeance, nor of malice. He told me, and I will now relay it to you in all honesty, a brave account of a quest to save the honor, neh the reverence, that should be given to one of the nation’s greatest treasures.

ED: So you’re telling me that you din’t go into the stands to pummel that fan?

ARTEST: Hell no. I’m a professional, and professionals know how to contain themselves.

ED: Then what in tarnation caused you to run into the stands?

ARTEST: Beer, man.

ED: BEER!?!?!?

ARTEST: Damn straight. You know how much those things cost at the game? Like $21.50 or something. You DON’T throw something like that. You could buy a case for that much. I had to go up there and see what was up.

ED: What?

ARTEST: Yeah. Somehing was obviously wrong with someone who would waste a 22 dollar beer.

ED: Agreed.

ARTEST: SO I figured I’d lend a little star power to his plight, you know. Figured maybe some psychiatrist would see it on TV and lend his services.

ED: Wow, man. You deserve a medal.

ARTEST: Plus, you gotta stand up for beer. It makes the world go round. One guy launches one and gets away with it, everybody might start tossing them all willy nilly. Then we’re thrown into a beer crisis.

ED: Dear lord. Don’t make me imagine that again.

ARTEST: See? I had to go into the stands. People just reacted wrong.

ED: Totally. Like so many humanitarianists- misunderstood in your time.

ARTEST: Well, it feels good knowing I stood up for what’s right.

ED: I’ll do my best to get the story out, brother. Don’t give up the struggle.

ARTEST: For beer and my country!

ED: For beer and my country! This has been an EDADKINS.com exclusive.

Spread the word, people. If we don’t stand up for beer now, we’ll have no one to blame when they take it away.

By Ed Adkins on November 22nd, 2004 at 11:14 am

Topics: Bizzaro News • Meaningful Dialogue

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