Tragedy Strikes My Pooper
So the Doctor thinks I’ll be OK, but I have to stay off my colon for a few days.
After feeling all day that I was growing an evil twin in my small intestine, I spent the better part of last night in the ER.
It started out innocent enough- a little indigestion after dinner. But then the pressure started building in my gut. You know, that slow gassy buildup where your stomach keeps threatening you with gurgles similar to the last things the citizens of Pompeii ever heard? Once the pressure meets critical mass, it can only end in you doing that crampy zombie-shuffle to the crapper where you promptly go into violent labor, finally creating a Jackson Pollock piece in your toilet?
I just wish it went down like that.
Instead, we took the family to a field trip to urgent care. They sent us to the ER because they “didn’t have the right equipment” to diagnose me. That’s medical-speak for “we close in a half an hour- go somewhere else.” See, Jolene? Sweeping up at Haircutts Express DOES have some similarities to working in medicine.
Off to the hospital.
They gave me a little open-backed number when I got there, but I’ve gotta say whoever picked it out has horrible taste b/c it did nothing for my figure. (/Stewie voice)
You know how people catch even worse diseases IN hospitals? Like they go in with a sore throat and get pneumonia and die? Well, if there wasn’t already something horribly wrong with me already then it was watching the series finale of Smallville while waiting to be treated that severely irritated my bowels.
The upside to all the waiting? I had my first taste of Morphine. The downside? They wouldn’t let me take any home.
Apparently I either have something that will go away in a few days with antibiotics or get much, much worse. It was like having my mechanic say “oh yeah i think i fixed it, but drive it around a few days. If it explodes, bring it back.”
But then, even knowing that my innards were irritated, they still attempted to sodomize me on the way out. “Oh yeah, your insurance only pays 30% at Emergency Rooms.” Eh? Come again?
“Had you gone to urgent care your co-pay would be 40 bucks, but since you came here your bill is… (adding machine tics away) $248.00.” Thanks Urgent Care- you guys are super.
It gets better- the grand total including CAT scan, meds, and doctor’s bill will top off at nearly $1,500.00. Yes, we cried. It may double if the anti-biotics don’t work and my gut explodes.
But that’s not all! If it turns out that I have the Big Bad, I may never get to eat spicy foods again and have to cut back on meat.
Meat.
Spicy.
Kill me.
So, enough about me, how was your day?
May 19th, 2005 at 9:14 am
Personally, I think you are in the wrong line of business. You should open the Ed Adkins Memorial hospital. After all, you are the one who is the skiing expert…
May 19th, 2005 at 10:39 am
The entire medical/insurance industry is one giant clusterfuck. It is one piece of red tape after another. I love how the patient isn’t the one ordering the useless tests, yet they have to pay the bill at the end of the day. I fainted in a restaurant once and went to the ER to make sure I was okay. Doctor came in for 5 minutes, and said I was okay. The damn bill was like $300 and he didn’t even do anything.
May 19th, 2005 at 11:04 am
Can. not. type. I am laughing too hard, tears streaming down my cheeks…must. catch. my. breath.
Ok, Ok, Ok, *pulling myself together*….
Ed, I am so sorry for your miserable experience. But as you pointed out, there is a silver lining to everything…sexy gown, morphine and sodomy…what’s not to love?
May 19th, 2005 at 12:14 pm
My day was good. Watched a little TV. Back to the Future III was on TBS. As for your health, you should just do what I do and ignore the clear and distinct warning signs of any and all health problems. I mean, my heart is probably supposed to stop beating every once in a while. I’m sure it’s nothing.
May 19th, 2005 at 2:15 pm
been there, done that.
first time, i was hospitalized for four days, with a major antibiotic and no food. boy, did my pee stink. but it cleared up. (my stomach and my pee.)
second time, was in the hospital for three days. seems i had some sort of obstruction. they emptied my stomach through my nose (yes, it was every bit as disgusting as it sounds), then put me on an antibiotic and no food. but this time i also got morphine!! after three days, whatever it was passed (so to speak) and i was all back to normal. which was good, cuz they said if it hadn’t passed by day four they were going to operate. and that would’ve meant a colostomy.
good luck. and remember to cut your meat in very small pieces.
May 19th, 2005 at 2:50 pm
I am horrified by this story and the subsequent comments (thanks a lot, copygodd!).
Hope you’re feeling better!
May 19th, 2005 at 5:25 pm
hmm, sounds familiar to my time in the ER. they sent me home with antibiotics after actually sodomizing me…at least with a finger. then i came back 24 hours later because i couldn’t even keep fluids down and bile was coming up.
diagnosis….the big bad as you call it, or in my case. crohn’s diesease. cut back on spicy and meat, same for me. now i’m down to absolutly no chicken and i stay away from beef if i can help it. every other meat seems to be ok (fish, turkey, lamb, sea-creature)…and i got over the spicy problem, but suddenly had acid-reflux problems after getting out of the week long stay in the hospital…so i take stuff for that now and enjoy spicy indian food whenever i want.
moral: don’t get too scared right away, there’s always a loop hole….besides, red meat isn’t that good for you anyway.
May 19th, 2005 at 6:36 pm
can i have your website when you tell the doctors ’screw it, if i can’t have meat, i’m taking you clowns with me.’? i’ll be good to it. i may remove all the liz phair photos, but otherwise, no one will know the difference. i don’t have a goatee, but i’ve got a shitload of tom green photos, so people’ll think it’s still you.
May 19th, 2005 at 8:16 pm
Man, that blows. I know, that $$$’s rough, especially with a new baby…
…but Ed, it could have been worse. You could have had a $33,000 brain surgery, right?
May 19th, 2005 at 10:22 pm
All’s I can say is you better be well enough to go to ACL fest or I am going to be one pissed off hombre.
Hear me boy? Stay well.
js
May 20th, 2005 at 11:53 am
I thought it was funny til you mentioned the bill.
I feel your pain.
May 20th, 2005 at 6:32 pm
Get better soon, dude.
I had a nice hospital visit of my own two months back to stop a nasty nosebleed due to high blood pressure. I ended up getting a “balloon” in my nose to stop the bleeding.
When I had it removed five days later, the ear nose and throat doctor charged me $563 just to remove the damn thing (all he had to do was let the air out and take the thing out of my nose, which was rather easy) and check out my nose to make sure everything was okay. I think I would have felt better if I just took it up the pooper instead.
Oh, ask me how much my appendix-removal surgery was. That’s another fun medical cost story. That b0b for insurance.
May 22nd, 2005 at 11:48 pm
Hey, I’m working on a remodel at the Digestive Health Center. If you’d like, maybe I could help you get a deal on a snake ride to make sure everything is O.K. Everyone I’ve seen go through there in the last few days seem pretty exited abouth the whole thing……
May 23rd, 2005 at 11:44 am
That is so horrible. If it makes you feel any better it was entertaining reading about it. Just wouldn’t want to experience it. Love the Stewie voice. Very cool.
May 23rd, 2005 at 10:43 pm
Listen I am very familiar with Ed’s ass, very familiar… Everything is going to be fine. If I know Ed’s colon it will be right back in there processing large steaks and cajun meals. Ed’s colon is a fighter! I once saw it take out two pizza’s covered in tabasco sauce and I think anchovies… I don’t know I’ve tried to block out that memory, but thats not the point damn it! Ed, I’m going to call you in a minute and I want you to put your colon on, I’m going to talk him through this one.
May 24th, 2005 at 6:31 pm
Actually if you are like me you are worth more dead than alive. Go ahead have that big steak!