Unhappy vs Dissatisfied: How to be happy in the midst of dissatisfaction

Why you should know the difference

Do you feel like something’s wrong? Can’t shake the feeling that something’s amiss? Grumpy? Anxious? Mopey? I’m not writing this to diagnose clinical depression- I’m not trained to do that. But, if you’re generally feeling that something, or things, may be chronically bothering you, I want you to ask yourself whether you’re unhappy or dissatisfied. The reason I’m asking is because these are two different things, and they can cause two different sets of problems in your life. Too many of us are unhappy and wonder why things aren’t working out for us. Not enough of us are dissatisfied, and even fewer of us are taking the steps to fix that.

First off, I want to make something clear: I want you do be dissatisfied- or more specifically I want you do identify it and work towards changing it. I never want you unhappy. But, you can’t do either unless you know how to separate the two.

The simplest way to differentiate between these two states is by examining their effects: dissatisfaction motivates you while unhappiness can put you in a rut. Even deeper, you see that unhappiness sets your mind inward, while dissatisfaction can have an outward focus.

An unhappy person is:

• Grumpy or agitated: unhappy people bitch.
• Needy: unhappy people take from those around them.
• Mopey: unhappy people suck the energy out of a room.

A dissatisfied person:

• Sees something that’s not how it should be
• Doesn’t want to accept that the problem exists

I realize that dissatisfied people can be unhappy, bitchy, and mopey, but for the purposes of this argument, assume that they are only dissatisfied; they are someone who sees a reality that they need to change. Other exceptions to this argument are people who are unhappy because of an isolated, one-time, recent incident. When I refer to unhappy people, I’m talking about chronically unhappy. People who have been unhappy for weeks or more.

Dissatisfaction leads to action. Artists are dissatisfied people. Makers and creatives are dissatisfied. They see problems that need to be fixed, holes that need to be filled, mountains that need to be climbed or even moved. Dissatisfied people feel a need to change their environments or themselves- things can’t remain how they are. Their very opponent is reality as it is.

Unhappy people are stuck. They aren’t fixing their situation. Most of the time they are completely blind to whatever is truly making them unhappy because they don’t know how to pinpoint it. If they could, they’d switch to being dissatisfied and begin taking steps toward finding satisfaction. Many times, even when unhappy people attempt to “fix” themselves or their situation they choose to do so by running from them or blaming others, which is symptomatic of never being able to see what their real problem is. These solutions don’t work and they remain unhappy.

Unhappiness causes you to miss out on being present. Here’s the thing: you can be dissatisfied and still be happy. Being unhappy causes you to focus on yourself- on your own lack of happiness or whatever it is you’re bitching about, and meanwhile the whole happy, amazing, wonderful world of possibilities goes on without you. You can be a dissatisfied person and still appreciate that world, take part it in and receive what it has to offer. I hate that shit.

Examples

Suppose you’re with a group of friends and you’re hungry. Like, really hungry. What’s your response to this? Do you get grumpy? Testy? Do you look for someone to blame? When your friends begin figuring out where to eat do you veto every decision and cause agitation? Orrrrr… do you realize that the discomfort you’re feeling is related to an appetite that hasn’t yet been able to be satisfied and work towards a solution, still happy that you even have friends to decide with?

Most of the time, unhappiness and dissatisfaction can be traced to an appetite that’s not being met. Learning to control ourselves in the meantime and then figure out how to satisfy it or even curb it is the key.

Responses To a Job That’s a Bad Fit

If you stay unhappy, you will possibly:

• Stay stuck in the job and feel either inferior or resentful for being stuck in a dead end
• Get jealous of friends whose careers seem to challenge them better or offer more in return
• Act grumpy, produce bad work or generally cause distress or even divisiveness

If you are dissatisfied, you will probably:

• Believe that you deserve better and can prove it
• See it as a positive challenge and work to change it through raises or change of employment

Responses to a bad relationship

If you stay unhappy, you will possibly:

• Stay in the relationship
• Feel stuck and resentful
• Cheat, or flirt with the idea
• Hold back about issues because you don’t believe they’ll change

If you are dissatisfied, you will probably:

• Ask for your needs to be met
• Talk through your issues, believing that things can/will change
• Get help from outside sources
• (after finding no other option) end the relationship

So what do you do about this?

You need to identify the source of your displeasure. If you are unhappy and you try to fix your problems by focusing on outside sources (either by ending relationships, moving, etc) you aren’t dealing with the internal issues that contribute to your displeasure. Determine what you are facing:

What’s the source of my displeasure?

• Am I Happy? If not,
  • Why not?
  • Am I grateful? If you remain unhappy, you will miss out on a multitude of things that you could easily partake in if you would stop focusing on yourself .
    • Focus on others: find a way that you can do something for someone else. Serve food at a homeless shelter, take your nephew to a movie, babysit my kid
    • Get in touch: a great exercise is to sit down and write 100 things you’re grateful for. If you can’t make it past a quarter of that, you’re probably not grateful. Keep writing and it’ll become more clear.
    • Get help. Unhappiness is your enemy, not all of the things you could blame it on. Get some perspective from wise people in your life or even consider professional assistance. It can be worth it.

• Am I dissatisfied?
  • What need isn’t being met?
  • Satisfy your appetite
    • If you want something from someone, tell them
    • If you need to change your situation, break it into bitesized pieces and begin
  • Curb your appetite
    • Not everything is healthy to satisfy as often as we want it
    • Sometimes you just can’t have what you want- find a way to divert your attention or meet your need through another source
  • If you don’t have control over it, seek out resources that can help

Description of your happy life

The best thing you can do, regardless of whether you’re unhappy or dissatisfied, is to broaden your thinking outside of your current displeased state. Take a minute and think about what things would be like if you had everything you wanted. What dreams do you have for your future? What goals do you want to achieve? What do you want? This future should motivate you to fix your current dissatisfaction. Getting what I want is a great motivator to satisfy my appetite or curb it, while at the same time being happy about what’s around me.

Also realize that satisfaction may not be something you have control over right now, but your happiness is. You may have to take slow steps to work towards satisfaction, but you can decide to be happy in your current environment. Unhappy people will not be satisfied, no matter what. Also, know that satisfaction isn’t a state you will ever reach for good. You don’t climb that mountain and stay there. If you’re anything like me, you’ll never quit reaching for satisfaction- but you can stay a happy person.

By Ed Adkins on September 24th, 2009 at 6:26 pm

1 Comment »