Where Were You (When the Force Stopped Turning)
Best post written in anticipation of Star Wars Episode III: HOW TO MAKE A NERD’S ERECTION GO SOUTH. It’s on Tremble, the blog of Todd Levin, self described “professional word-putter-togetherer” and standup comedian. He starts off reminding us the tragedy that was Episode I:
…in all his grandstanding Lucas neglected to inform us that The Phantom Menace included a scene of a young (borderline retarded? macrocephalic?) boy dodging space meanies in his own stolen rocket ship, while gleefully shouting “Wheee!!!” and “Whoopee!” like he’d just discovered some Chicken Dunks® Lunchables® in his secret hidey hole. (I’m not even going to comment on JarJarGate or all the kikey shylock aliens. The hacks have already hacked those subjects to bits.)Then, after the space dust settled, and everyone who didn’t share a brain with a conjoined twin declared Phantom Menace smellier than a seat cushion on a local Greyhound shuttling between Hobo Junction and Shitpants Valley, Lucas had the Death Star-sized balls (See how I did that???) to stand by his stink and declare that everyone in the world was dead-wrong, with the exception of Ching and Chang.
Next he targets Episode II:
…this movie was like the longest-running game of Turd Jenga. “Attack of the Clones?” That’s the best he could do? This movie cost $398 million and took three years to make. What an insulting title. He might as well have called it Episode II: Untitled Jimmy Smits Project. Or, if you were to believe the carefully spun press, Episode II: Yoda Fight!
Now with all the buzz surrounding Episode III, he puts our cautious optimism into perspective:
Does the American movie-going public have the same memory dysfunction as a housecat? Because Lucas has already been applying the full press, and staying on point with carefully released statements like, “this is a much darker, moodier film” and “this is the one we’ve all been waiting for” and “there is convincing evidence that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction-based programs.”
It’s a great read. Go check it out and mill around his older posts too- the guy is consistantly funny.
April 26th, 2005 at 8:13 pm
I am not Gearge Lucas. But I have chosen this name becasue I will continue on in his ways. Episode III will without a doubt prevent my own untimely death and save my marraige. Sure I said the same things about the first two and they brought me to a dark place that doctors encourage not to speak of, but this is different. I have even sold my house and quit my job in anticipation of Episode III’s innevitable triggering of the Apocalypse. See you guys in hell!
April 27th, 2005 at 12:36 pm
Where was I when the force stopped turning? Maybe I was:
Out in the yard with my wife and children
Working on some stage in LA
Did I stand there in shock at the site of
That black smoke rising against that blue sky
Did I shout out in anger
In fear for my neighbor
Or did I just sit down and cry
Did I weep for the children
Who lost their dear loved ones
And pray for the ones who don’t know
Did I rejoice for the people who walked from the rubble
And sob for the ones left below
Did I burst out in pride
For the red white and blue
The heroes who died just doing what they do
Did I look up to heaven for some kind of answer
And look at myself, to what really matters
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
Where was I when the force stopped turning that September day
Teaching a class full of innocent children
Driving down some cold interstate
Did I feel guilty cause I’m a survivor
In a crowded room did I feel alone
Did I call up my mother and tell her I love her
Did I dust off that bible at home
Did I open my eyes and hope it never happened
Close my eyes and not go to sleep
Did I notice the sunset the first time in ages
Speak with some stranger on the street
Did I lay down at night and think of tomorrow
Go out and buy me a gun
Did I turn off that violent old movie I was watching
And turn on “I Love Lucy” reruns
Did I go to a church and hold hands with some stranger
Stand in line and give my own blood
Did I just stay home and cling tight to my family
Thank God I had somebody to love
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
I’m just a singer of simple songs
I’m not a real political man
I watch CNN but I’m not sure I can tell you
The difference in Iraq and Iran
But I know Jesus and I talk to God
And I remember this from when I was young
Faith hope and love are some good things he gave us
And the greatest is love
The greatest is love
The greatest is love
Where was I when the force stopped turning that September day